i am found

back when i started this blog, my main objective was to get me out of my miserable, depressing, and somewhat funny life that i was too lazy enough to write on a diary (nevertheless, typing is much more less strenous). maybe this would be the first post i'd ever write good things about love...

yes, i'd like to make a public anouncement that i finally met someone (you can check your vision and you sure did read it right). Me, the bitter one, has finally met a match. its something that i'm proud of, for the main reason that i proved myself that i am capable to love and feel that someone does feel the same.

let me make you a good introductory about him...

my friend, classmate and niece in class, ara introduced me to him. actually i wasnt really the first choice, it just happened that they accidentally saw my profile over the net when they both decided to go online while waiting for ara's sister. and the rest as you can say it was history. he's a year younger than i am, sings very well (in fact he's a monthly finalist at star in a million...and he's not micheal cruz ok?), and chubby...hehehe

it has been so long that i felt this kind of feeling. a feeling of agitation when he fails to text me coz he's phone got low in battery, a feeling of guilt when i have my qualms about silly stuffs, a feeling of satisfaction when i see a smile on his face when i brought him food to his house, a feeling of happiness when im with him on a movie or dining out, a feeling of worth when he sings to me over the phone of songs i barely knew the titles, and a sense of gratitude that someone notices my eyes, my lips, my face and never get tired of looking at them.

all the while i was afraid that i might not be able to find someone for me, that i would be spending yet another christmas or any other holiday without someone i would lovingly greet. for a second i was afraid that all i got left was just me. and its just but a bittersweet gift that after all that i have endured, all the miscontrued emotions i have, and after all the bittering about, i finally can leave it all behind and write something that im happy about...that im proud of.

love for me is not just having a companion or sharing intimate moments with, nor is it just a word to label something so profound a feeling...but knowing that even if the two of you are lost in a crowd, that not even the sight of his hair you cant see, not the smell of his distinctive perfume could not reach you, deep in your heart, in the stillness of your soul, you know that you can never be lost...that you are already found.

sana magkaroon ng improvement body ko sa pag ggym! hehehehe

The Marikina Palarong Scam...God please punish them!

i just got out from the shower. during the day, we attended the annual PALARONG MED organized by APMC (association of philippine medical colleges-student network). it was fun minus the fact that we were undersized and were made puny by other colleges (well, except for jonelta which came in the parade with less than 10 reps...that made us 2 more than them). kung baga sa SEA Games kme un burma or laos and kapag sa olympics e...pilipinas. here is the list of what i consider a scam!

1. in the poster (which was distributed to all other schools), the plm logo was not included. thier reason? we allegedly failed to email it to them, which in ate shawie's ranging madness was a fraud, since she emailed it twice in the their email and even sent it to our president as a copy. so, wat happened is we just cut our logo out and pasted it to the poster that was shown in school, but in campuses of all other schools, plm was not included. FINE!

2. SOCCER! would you beleive they put soccer in their events? dont they have the guilt and the shame for that matter to even think about us? its like when mom always cook something with bagoong even though she knows i couldnt eat it. i would have rather accept tennis as an alternative to that. at least we all have basics in it.

3. Naughty Juniors. thats the name of the five girl group who gave us a horrifying intermission number. imagine them dancing with their "singit" all over the track-n-field lanes without having shame. people say they came from eac. what a waste!

4. UP vs PLM volleyball men's. this is a real scam. for our first game we were put in such a sked, thinking the fact that they were in the finals last year with de lasalle. not only that...PLM, UP and DLSU-Cm were put in the same bracket. isnt it a rule that you cannot put succeeding seeds in the same bracket? not even ATP dare to put federer and roddick in the same draws.

5. NO SMOKING INSIDE THE STADIUM. this were the exact words of that bitch from up who thinks shes hot but shes not type of girl. well, the Bedan studs were smoking in the far end, so why just tell it to us? i didnt put out my smoke though, to get her irritated. i guess i won. hehehe. where in the fucking hell is the no smoking sign? damn you! her karma? she joined all the heats in the swimming but didnt won any...what a shame. buti nga sa yo! ulol!

well, we may have lost with our men's and women's volleyball but we havent been beaten in the basketball and won our two events in swimming by our one man team swim. had it been a quiz show, im sure we could have edged everybody out. pasalamat kayong lahat.

UP has this cheer that goes...GO GO UP FIGHT...well we did our own...GO GO PLM PLAY. we dont intend to fight...its just a game so why not just play it. we may have been short in terms of performance but we really did enjoyed the game. that's whats important.

Patoxic talaga mga med stud, there were people in the stands reading transcriptions. i brought mine though but did not dare put it out...buti na lang, kundi isa ako sa mga nilait ko din nung araw na un.

in congregations like these lumalabas un mga ibat ibang itsura ng mga soon to be doctors. may mga mukha nang lolo, taga hugas ng pinggan sa food court, mga mukhang poks na girls, mga coniong pips na di naman talaga, mga mukhang lasenggero at basagulero (FEU Basketball team kayo ba un? hehehe joke lang, buti na lang nanalo kayo, saludo ako sa inyo!), may mga iba na bastos (kme un), manlalait (kme ulit un), at mga magaganda and pretty (kme ulit un). haay...mga doctor nga talaga...nasa borderline ng wierdness.

buti na lang nakakuha ako ng mga good pics...of me of cors...hehehe here are some of them (o wag ka na mag react! nakikibasa ka lang)

angelina jolie

same!

me and ate rich (our VP sa council)

same place different angle...narcistic ko!

at the stands of MSC

PANAGHOY NI ISKO

This morning, everyone was startled with postings of an open prayer for the admi at the men's cr.

Its about asking god to make the admi realize that power is not in their hands, to make them realize how grave an impact of losing good doctors for our teachers, how their cruel ways affect every student's priveledge for a good medical education.

a letter started it all. a letter entitled: ANG PANAGHOY NI ISKO

the council together with class presidents were called for an emergency meeting outside the school to tackle moves that will alert the admi and hopefully awaken their minds. and we have agreed upon a proper forum for our sentiments. an open letter containing statements in the form of questions will be adressed to the admi to answer. if all else fails, a silent protest will ensue, with us wearing black ribbon. and if still they remain numb of it, we will make sure the whole country and the entire medical profession will hear our woes.

its really getting worse...everytime i go to skul i dont know wat will happen. we dont have any idea which doctor will resign again due to the present admi instability. in the end we, are squeezed in the middle.

here's the story: we have a non-specialized dean who's pushing to produce primary health care phycians but ignoring the possibility for growth into specialization unmindful of the willingness of some to do so. an assistant dean who's power tripping shook the entire biochemistry and radiology department by assuming position (and teaching mind you!) after suspending one of the chair due to her refusal to change the syllabus. and lastly, a college secretary who isnt even a doctor and even has a thickness to teach a class of doctors-to-be of topic that she didnt even have knowledge of (at least much knowledge of).

this year they didnt put the hierarchy of the college of medicine in their bulletin board...since the fact that there wouldnt be enough doctors left to actually produce a hierarchy.

its a power tripping...it looks as though they plan to make the college their own not thinking that in order to produce good students, good board results, and maintain the stature of plm amongst the top medical school in the country is the faculty, which they are discriminating.

Those three powerpuff girls need to step down...its the only way to bring back our beloved doctors of whom many of our collegues that pass before us have come to experience their expertise and knowledge in medicine...and most importantly as a true bonifide doctor.

THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH IS BEING SLAUGHTERED! WE WILL ACT AND REACT! WE SHALL NOT BE VICTIMS!

Ligating Ally!

it was my first day of school...well actually just a continuation of my first sem...

Starting menu...a practical in Surgery...bummer!

well, its just so frustrating that only got 82 on my preceptorial. Different kupal prof would teach different kupal ways of ligating, suturing and holding the damn surgical instruments. in the end we would get a grade much different if we have been put in the same prof that first taught us the same kupal ways of surgical ligatures. WHAT THE HELL! i need to pass surgery!
_____________________________________

i dont know whats happening to me...there's a new guy in front of me, i really like him but somehow my feelings are restricted to the word "like". It really bother's me that im having trouble loving people eversince i broke up with my ex just april. One theory i have is probably i have become so comfortable in being single that i couldnt imagine myself comitting with someone other than myself. Im willing to give this one a try, we're going on dates and i hope in heavens that there might be something fruitful out of this. I couldnt force myself in going into a relationship that i barely know. i cant afford to waste being hurt and hurting someone in the end.

when i arrived home, i chance upon ally mcbeal's pilot episode at star world. im a great fan of the show, even cried in the same episode back when it first aired on national tv sometime 5 years ago. anyhow, at the end of the story was this narrative by ally...and as far as i could remember the thought goes like this:

"The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it."

(i thought im through with my ally mcbeal stage of life...it looks like its coming back again! HELP!)

maybe im feeling the same way that ally is...and right now im willing to risk something out...whatever that is!

___________________________

i visited my ex's xanga site...and this is a real psychotic wonderment and i quote: (i know is bad like plagarism or something...im sorry)

"Case X raised to the nth: The reason why it's x raised to the nth is due to the fact that this thing has been going on for the past years already. Everytime I get into a relationship, someone suddenly comes along who would approximate my ideal kind of person. During my past relationships I would easily dump someone for another one...which I know is bad, that's why I stopped doin such a thing ever since my break-up with my 3rd." <<<<---this is actually me! The third! Thats my name! The third! jezzz! so he did broke up with me because of someone else! He was actually eyeing for someone else! damn! and the fact that when i asked him about it last summer if he did broke up with me for someone he denied it!

Oh well, that's how life goes...people change, people want more, people need more, and its a pity that you could only give so little.

Just questions...

1. why do people suddenly appear when you're troubled and not when you're not?
2. why does vacation always gives me a feeling of longingness for someone?
3. what is the word "caring" anyway?
4. Does casual sex always leave a guilt feeling?
5. Why do people have a hard time asking for "how i am?"
6. why do certain people doesnt reply?
7. How does anyone get out of lonely nights?
8. why can't i figure out what i want?
9. why do i feel most of my friend's problems than mine?
10. what's the difference of curiosity and just merely trying something out?
11. why is it hard to quit smoking when you really wanted to?
12. why do i procrastinate so much?
13. why did my sisters thought i look wasted and unhappy with my family?
14. why can't i recall the drugs i learned from pharmacology?
15. why do i hate christmas so much?

Parang "Kayo" pero "Hindi"

>>>>i got this on a post by my friend at friendster...and super nakarelate ako dito...well except the heterosexual denomination of it. this is really real!!! i especially put into bold phrases or words that put me smack in the face!

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met andbecame lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be"friends."They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sureshe's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyoneelse.It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked abouttheir situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are inthe dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."
=======
She works in a telecom company. He is reviewing for the board.They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phonetill 4am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is nooccasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolokapag may overnight inu! man? Why does he hold her close on the dancefloor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya?"He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug andkiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."
=======
They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watchmovie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potterbooks for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make anexjealous. They made out during the company outing in Subicand nevertalked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if sheheard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she issure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming thatwith what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's justone hitch: he has a girlfriend!
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She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Bothmountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a fewdates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would makeout. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that"sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about itbut it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's importantis I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutualunderstanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings.Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where thepersons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng mayverbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted yourfeelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do thetalking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayomag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, perohindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages fordifferent reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love eachother, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason.Andfor reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayongnakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kayakunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usuallythe guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-breakdoon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niyaginagawa),wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siyanangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo.

"This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo nakung naghahanap ka lang! naman ng "kalaro."Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi walatalagang kasiguraduhan.So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyankesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa yong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would thinkthat pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. Itwould be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationshipsdin ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that theycouldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, orthat they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merongnagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing.Iyongkapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sakanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang thereal thing,puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship,the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babaelagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really arelationship,you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo?May K kanga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about yourrole in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And ifyou feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it toyourself.Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't besure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Becauseyou're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage willalways make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is arelationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you haveinvested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithfulto him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeingother girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When adisagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that wouldbe the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kungsaan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan.Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindieh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship,hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you willbe miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only tofind out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship withsomebody else.Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and thenyou'd end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasanang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoythe feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you arecertain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan momamili.You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happennext. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for thereal thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailableguy,a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakankita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo.Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo perohindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.

Usually, hanggang doon lang siya..Almost, but not quite..

vacation at last!

whew! finally i could get a decent vacation...

yesterday was our last day for our fcm research. we went out to the community to screen children for otitis media and hearing impairment. it went out pretty damn well. unexpectedly it went out well organized. id like to congratulate my group for doing a good job. though through the course of our preparations, feud between each of us ensued, ive said rude things to some people, and apologized. i think the best acomplishment we had was that we were able to sustain each and everyone of us, became patient, and getting out of it alive.

-------------------------
here are a few things i remember happened from my last post here until now:
1. my first ex and i has finally got to get acquinted (again)...although it was just for a number of emails
2. i was caught with an illegal stuff in my room
3. i was so close to yet another horrifying relationship with a wrong guy
4. i failed pharma again
5. was able to meet up with highskul friends...and got pissed at the end of the day
6. was able to adapt the lobby as a sort of a sleeping area while waiting everyday for our dean (kupal sya)
7. havent drank alcohol for a month now (im sober!)
8. lost a few more weight (shucks!)
9. met karen's bf
10. broke my glasses

i guess thats all...i think...

too good to be twenty two

i really am not in the mood to blog tonight, but since im so damn nauseous with reading about mitral, tricuspid stenosis and regurgitation, with accompanying delflection and peak of a wave, c wave and the ever famous y wave...well i thought i could use a little break.

hmmm...wat happened to me since my last blog?
...well so many things happened that when you sum it all up, you'd end up with nothing. yup...nothing, nada, nil, wala, shyet.
(damn, im so in need of putting exclamation marks over my sentences but since my trusty keyboard has its keys bugged leaving the keys one to four worthless, i might as well be resourceful. so when you see EP at the end of my sentence, you'd know it stands for exclamation point...ok? alright EP)

let me start off with my school, i failed three subjects, surgery, pedia, and pharma. i expect that.

last week was supposed to be my micro/para exam, which unfortunately was spoiled by the stupid rain. just come to think of it, i could've been those few to ace that exam since i studied so hard that night only to find out that the exam was postponed and the eventual class to be suspended. the worst of it all, most my classmates confessed not to reveiw for that exam. bummer. now, everybody has their lots over that exam. another bummer. and the worst of it all, im so consumed with laxing over the weekend that i'm afraid most of the things i reviewed for that exam was lost.

wait...it just popped...now that im not talking about shitty things about being loveless and all, i just realized im talking too much about shitty things in school. how pathetic could i get? i revolve on only two things...my school and being loveless. damn EP. i need push.

anyhow...friday would be my most favorite day of the year (well, just third to new year, valentines being my second)...im going 22 EP, i am actually a certified-to-be ADULT. wow...adult...sounds astig...haha.

facts about my b-day:1. its the same day my dad left the country to work abroad...so if im going 22, he'll be turning 22 in his service.2. only once did i received a gift on my bday, and it was last year when margx gave me a book about friendship which i eventually lost when we moved to our new house.3. i haven't spent a bday with someone special (here i go again...cut it out)4. on friday would be the second time around that i would be spending it with an exam (last year it was anatomy and now it would be medicine and patho)5. also, this will be the second time that i'd be bringing friends over the house6. last year was the first time i treat friends over at dinner (still no gift recieved)7. this would be the third year that my parents are not here to spend it with me8. this would also be the first that i would be spending it with my nephew's 8th month bday celebration.9. the first time that im actually excited about it10. first time that i actually realize all this things.

haaaayyyy....im turning 22...age goes by, and i have always been still...

i'm an addict?

"who loves alcohol here?", dr. pineda our lecturer for neoplasms asked in the middle of talking about colonic and hepatic cancers.

a hand raised, i checked who it was and i just saw mine!

"very good, lets give him a round of applause! one of the hardest thing to do is to admit that you have an alcohol problem. thats one step to being sober."

well, he asked who loves alcohol, and i confirmed...but it doesnt follow that i am already an alcoholic. i only drink very so often.

++++++++++++++++++

i recieved my pharmacology shifting grade this morning and as i expect i failed by two points. damn, it really dawned upon me that i should really...as in REALLY need to study well. actually i expect to fail 3 subjects for my first shifting. what the hell, school goes on, i cant still make it. i know i can make it. and i will make it. its just a matter of discipline.

+++++++++++++++++

hay! the loneliness!

this is my new do! thank goodness i have my monitor back, i missed uploading pics over my blog...

who says going to a salon when you're depressed is a girly thing?

yes, i shaved my hair! its of two reasons, first, coz i needed (and believed i needed) to do something to get out of my depression and second, i'd like to test whether having less hair would increase the velocity of me memorizing drugs. i found out that the latter didnt help at all. wednesday, was my shifting for pharma and micro. all along i thought pharma would be given in the afternoon. so i was confident enough to go to skul, with micro on my head. then i was informed, 45 mins before the exams that it is pharma that will be given in the morning session. DAMN! i was running down the hallway, cussing at my self, banging my head with my palm. it took into my advantage though, coz it was a tough exam. whether you studied well or not, the results are just the same. and im glad it was that hard...at least i had a very good reason why i flunked it.

i was just so glad the week is through. comparing last year's shifting exams, this one is like finals, both in terms of the bulk of the topic and the toughness of the schedule. one more day of it would definitely raise my intracranial pressure and rupture my retinal vessels, leaving me with red, painful eyes. every fucking night of that exam week was tormenting. the last thing that could have happen to me was to vomit every single word i memorized and every damn topic i didnt understand. i had the urge to forcefully puke myself just to get out of my throbbing head. its the same feeling i often have when im drunk and all messed up, and the only thing that could make me sober was to puke the entire ethanol drink. it was such a bummer.

i knew i didnt do well as i expect id do in my shifting. i guess i really was culture shocked. i never believed in culture shock not until it was i who is actually in that point of circumstance where i weigh my procratinating and my need to study. except for Obstetrics (which i am certain i will pass), the rest i dont want to expect. though passing in the rest of my subjects would be bitter sweet. i guess i did my part, and i did all i can, its up to the heavens to help me..

i dont have plans yet of how i would make through the the second shifting. i dont want to make plans, coz i always end up not following it. im stubborn. but there's just one thing that i could assure of...i will avenge my demise! i shall rise up from the ashes of my procrastination. i shall lift myself out of my depression. i shall not fall prey again to 'misinterpreted' feelings, i will not make a fool of myself nomore, i will start to date, i will not be the one hurt again, i will streghten myself up, i shall change my path in life and i will be no longer afraid!

and lastly i shall stop telling myself what i will and will not do!

i am a changed man, i am a new me, i am a shaved head...

will i ever grow up?

the barkada came to the house last night for a general assembly...meaning a drinking spree.  of course I, a sucker for san mig light, got myself tipsy.  but i handled it very good.  i mean, no strip teasing, no foul words, no stupid ideas and most of all no talking about ex's.  anyhow, it wasnt really the drinking that brought us together. the reason was life...LIFE!

its so amazing how time has changed.  i think we have come to pass that certain event in  our lives where drinking sprees are just about having to talk about shit and have a good time.  now, drinking sprees has evolved into an outlet to confide.  a forum (though not a proper one) where you could tell everything about yourself and have people to listen to you and be sincere. 

a friend of mine got her girl pregnant.  that friend of mine was really having trouble about what will happen, thats why he called for a GA.  and we just kept telling him THAT IT IS NOT A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.  its something that he should be happy about. at least for him.  his parents may label it as a problem but thats beyond his control.  i still beleive he did nothing wrong.  bringing life to this world is something we are entitled to. and just by doing that he made me feel proud. 

its just so wierd that we are now talking about pregnancy, leaving, getting a life, and yet still i havent experienced anything close to that matter. 

yesterday, margx accompanied me for a cig break from our tormenting prof:

'enriq, grabe no, iba na talga tayo.  tumatanda na tayo. tignan mo nangyayari sa barkada.''oo nga, tapos tayo bat ganun andun pa rin tayo sa state na the biggest problem that we have is not having a boyfriend'

and we just laughed. 

it all makes sense...margx and i are getting older, but we are not moving anywhere.  its just so sad that we are stuck to that predicament of being alone, lonely, and being used. 
and its realy very tiring to think. 

margx and i are just so meant to be...proof of the matter is we share a common question that neither of us has the answer...

'WHEN WILL WE EVER GET TO GROW UP?'

ang cute nila...cute and dead! we used them for out pharmacology class where we tested the lethal dose of a drug that is leidocane. poor little stuarts

wawa naman sila!

rat funeral!

dead mice!

things that i should have done before that i should be doing by now

1. cover my books up with plastic; 2. study in advance; 3. eat more; 4. smoke less; 5. watch more movies; 6. dont expect for a text from someone esp when you know he wouldnt really be texting afterall; 7. stop listening to sad songs; 8. start dating (wag na cgro walang time); 9. buy things for myself (eg clothes and stuff); 10. avoid starbucks and anything to do with coffee; 11. avoid west ice or dj mix; 12. avoid a special trip on a trike to save money; 13. dont cut class; 14. listen to class; 15. extend patience; 16. stop viewing ex's blog site (it doesnt help at all); 17. smile (eventhough its hard); 18. avoid samplexs (at least those outside my org); 19. call other friends when lonely (keep in mind you have other friends too); 20. attend council meetings (stop making alibis) and 21. put council money in the bank! (before i spend it)
 
anyhow, i was browsing friendster a while ago and i found my teacher in highschool at a friend's list.  i just laughed my head out.  hes one of my fav before kse fav din nya ako.  hehehe.  kahit ano gawin ko ok lang sa kanya.  i added him anyway.
 
ill go back studying...its 1 am na

badtrip

i cut my surgery class today.  margx and i didnt finish the lecture and went home with the hope that  we could study for tom's exam.  and what the hell...im here blogging my ass off from my habitual procrastination.  all i did basically since i arrived home at around 3 was to take a shower, check mails, smoke, eat my fav banana bread, and smoke some more.  damn...im really getting tired of procrastinating...i should think of something else, a word to describe my laziness. 
 
i was reading my previous posts here. i have this fondness of reading my entire blog from the first entry.  and it left my a touch of sadness.  i realized that 85% of my entries are about broken heartedness, love and the lack of it, sadness, feeling of unworthiness, depression, and loneliness.  and i have come to doubt myself if i ever be more than those entries?  and that if my entries really reflect what im feeling or am i just pushing myself too hard.  a martyr syndrome i guess.
 
i dont know but 85% of the reason why i blog is whenever i feel sad and lonely.  i guess its an illogical effect if you're the type of person who has no one to talk to with your problems and whats going on inside.  that if ever there are people who could actually hear me would just tell me to forget it and be over with it.  until now, im still being labelled my my friend margx as having the 'enz disease'.  i hate it. 
 
i cant blame her.  i dont open to her that much now.  im afraid to open to her THAT much.  i mean we share a lot of things that somehow i realize that there are a LOT of things that should be left for me.  at least some of it.  she knows when im sad, she sees it in my eyes and my movements.  actually now its becoming worse, its not only her that can see through me, even my classmates can. 
 
one time FCM class, i was alone at the back, paula asked me...'enriq bat malungkot ka?' 
for a seconf there i was speechless...i dont know if i would lie or tell the truth.  damn. i was caught off guard.  and i just said...'ako? malungkot? hinde naman'  and that said it all...MALUNGKOT NGA AKO! bummer!
 
sobrang lungkot ko i again visited my ex's xanga site...
 
bat ganto ba ang buhay? konting pagkakataon na masaya...babawiin pa ng kay tagal! 

love at phone chat

a special friend asked me if its possible to fall in love for someone you havent met yet.  i said it isnt a remote idea.  it happened to me.  but as i was lying in my bed waiting for sleep to take over, i thought if it did happened to me or am i just deluding myself. the past two relationships in my life was a product of love at phone chat.  i told that friend of mine that physical attributes usually becomes a secondary effect once you get to know the person inside.  it is a frightening thought of what if's and uncertainty.  i still believe that attitude plays an important aspect of liking someone.  its a cliche sort of an idea but i have had met people who's looks could kill but their minds could kill as well...literally.  its a sad reality that there are shallow people.  that there are people without 'intel indside'. 

im afraid to love because of this idea.  i have always been afraid that people would always look for something else than my mind could offer.  im afraid that i could only offer less.  and that if i could make something out of that 'less'.  im not a perfect person.  compensating for that imperfection is what do best.  but somehow, compensating is not enough to make it all happen.  no matter what, people will and always will, have expectations from you.  and the worst of it all is that will that expectation be ever met?

im actually doubting myself if i do really know how to love.  if ever i have learned from my past.  my history doesnt give that much of an insight of what to do. a song is kept playing inside of my head last night...much to my chagrin it was FOOLISH HEART.  ive never been so much in related to that song until recently.  when words like 'im so tired of being alone but will my lonely heart play the part of a fool again' and the chorus would simply put me in a state of disillutionment.  what if im being caught off guard again?  what if after all my heart feels is the idea that i have been fooled again?  that after all this time im decieving myself thinking this could be the one...that it is TRUE? 

uncertainties never fail to bother me.  uncertainties would always leave me lost for words.  i could talk too much and be silent after.  silence is my cue for doubting.  i hate it when i go quiet over a period of my blabbing.  i cant help it.  its how i am.  and i hate it coz people notices it.  i cant argue with myself with it or we'd have the entire lifetime fighting with each other without anyone ever winning over the other. 

what is it that signals that you love someone?  it wouldnt be as simple as when you miss someone, have fun with someone, nor being romantic with someone. 

i think im in love when im afraid to tell that i DO love that someone...

bigger than my problem

a power blackout woke me up this morning. had it been to the sweat running down my forhead and neck i wudnt have awaken. anyhow...the very first feeling i had that morning was frustration. i hate myself of everything that i am. im disappointed of everything in my life. i thought i have learned my lessons. but it seemed to me that im just going in circles. ive always thought that i was just standing still, when in fact i am going nowhere. it bothers me that i havent moved a lot.

this afternoon, i made a phone call to my friend jun. we catched up on things going on with our lives. and i cant help but confide to him about my worries. he told me things that i have already known but failed to notice. i asked him, why is that he could talk to me and give me advice about my life eventhough he's straight and barely know the culture that i am in. he told me,

'im frustrated when it comes with love, the idea that it happens to other people gives me something to look forward to for myself. love may not happen to me, but at least it does to other people. and that assures me it will too with mine.'

i too am frustrated. the only difference between me and him is that he makes an effort to know that love still works. unlike him, i bottle up my sadness, thinking that i can make it on my own. i have always had problems expressing myself. i dont talk to numerous people asking for advice. i may confide to one or two and thats it. i have always thought im strong. i even have problems crying coz i dont know how to cry coz i dont know WHEN crying is appropriate. i rationalize things too easily.

he told me to take it easy...

he told me im bigger than my problem...

often times i dont know where to stand. i dont know how to act. no matter how thick my force field is, people seems to know how to get in. am i that too shallow?

im afraid of thinking what will happen next with my life. i should know how to revolve around the world. its not always that i have my own universe. its not always about me. me wouldnt even count.

im terrified...

sacred...

empty...

me and my ygo! he cant be still! he's fond of munching on a chicken. hehehe.i love him!

halatang walang tulog! hahahaha! bangag! sabog! pangit! ulol! gago! hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

the week that was

whew! another hell week has passed. i will try to account everything that has happened...so bear with me...hehehe

mon: ob was fine, had quiz, aced it...pedia was not, had quiz, flunked it
tues: patho, had quiz, aced it...surgery, i cut classes. went home. tried getting some sleep, but suddenly while lying on my parent's bed, a sudden burst of depression sinked in. i got depressed with the idea that i couldn't get wat i wanted. that there is a sense of fear of 'what if's'. actually the whole idea of being played frightens me. bummer
wed: had exam on micro, got pissed off with a few people, pissed off with the exam questions, and pissed that i am pissed. shit! after that, went on to pharma class, had 2 quiz, flunked it. had fcm in the afternoon, had quiz...aced it.
thurs: i can still remember thursday! haaayy! i was just so happy that day. everything just seem to be going in my way. i was so happy that once again i was smiling out of nowhere. like a wierdo! good thing the room was all dark and we were watching OUTBREAK for our film showing. sigh! good things! how i wish every day is like thursday!

i was so happy that day, that i agreed to meet my friend's bf. and just as with any other bf that my friends have acquired...there is the inevitable enriq's questionaire...hehehe, the reason for that is that i wanted to know their lovers. i value my friends. i wanted to make sure that they would be taken care off. that any other intentions (eg. getting laid, pregnancy, marriage) is but of no means taken care off by me! i dont want my friends getting married and much more getting pregnant! as much as i wanted to be their daughter's or son's godfather, now is not the right time. i may be selfish! i am selfish! I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GOING AWAY, I DONT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT! immature i know...but its just for now...im still afraid of not knowing where to go and what to do...it gets lonely most of the times

im glad my friends trust me with their life...i feel honored...naks

fri: had my medicine class. i was forced to provide an extemporaneous speech regarding the med fund, of which i really dont want to comment. BEING A COUNCIL DOESNT GUARANTEE THAT I CARE! but what the hell, i said silly stuffs and made them believe i mean it with conviction. hehehehe. then the lecture went after. and for no apparent reason, i was kept being called by my prof. she's fond of me. and im proud i know things she askd of me. 'very good doc papa' as she wud in a couple of times commented. 'doc papa' i liked it! hehehe. doc na...papa pa! naks! kapal ko! joke lang!

in the afternoon, we had a practical on finger prick. which for the second time around was our opportunity to hurt someone else and get a grade for it. one of those moments that no matter how deep the prick is, how painful it is, and how much bleeding it does, you could get away with a smile. 10 points for you doc papa! hehehe.



its a nice feeling to smile again...

to know someone is making it happen....

whew!

BLOOPERS

the week has been interesting.

micro/para class:
we were having lectures about disinfection and stuff. i was in the middle of the aisle at the back in short kitang kita ako. i was attentively listening. when my classmate began doing shitty things on the transcriber's recorder. whevnever the transcriber is not looking he would record his own voice and would say funny things. i was laughing discreetly along with my other two seatmates. we were not noticed until my other seatmate just blurted 21% loudly in the middle of the lecture. and we burst out laughing (people at the back). good thing coz the timing was with the class chorus. so again we were not noticed. so it was back again to listening. when suddenly that friend kept on singing 21% discreetly. and i just couldnt help it but bow down on my desk and as if i was writing. then i was jolted when my prof called me out.

'you! yes you! do you mind telling me wats funny. you seem to be very happy! class dont you want to hear wats funny?'

boom! my life passed before me as if i died.

'ma'm, uhmm, it was nothing really. he (pointed out on my friend) was just saying something about the oxygen percent'

'ok then, wat are you saying' referring to my classmate

my friend just stumbled and smiled.

and it was back to the lecture. she didnt got mad. well irritated, but as the lecture went on she was fine she even called me to recite and she was happy i was able to answer. it turned out good though.

medicine class:
last week we had our patient, and yesterday was the presentation. our group was called first and survived it. then here comes group 1. i'd like to interpret one family history of one of its members:

'father died of heart disease and mother of tuberculosis blah blah blah' -this could mean the mother also died of tuberculosis or better yet, it was like as hippocrates is the father of medicine...that one is the mother of tuberculosis.

'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived...'
- y? wat happened? lumubog ba sila sa bangka? nasunog ba sila nag sabay sabay?
-of 11 children, meaning di magkamag-anak un pateinte. nsa barko ata sila nun.
-sabi nun isang classmate ko...baka naman namtatay sila nun pinanganak? sabi ko...ano un sabay sabay sila niluwal ng nanay nila tapos namatay?

'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived died of labor'
-what? nabuhay sya tapos biglang namatay? gosh!
-survived died? howcome?
- sad talaga!

its really funny. i dont mean to ridicule that person but id just like to have a moment to say that postgrad ka na dapat un construction ng statemates is clear. remember doctor ka na! hehehehe. anyway, walang pikunan! sana di mo to mabasa!

anyway, after classes we watched spiderman 2, and the most interesting part was that when Dr. Oct took out two people out of the train and threw it to spidey. kawawa naman sila para silang bola na basta-basta na lang tinapon! hehehehe

but it was a nice film...glad i watched it.

detoxification!

first ward, first patient, first terror

this is such a bad way to end the week. shit talaga! this morning i had my medicine class at OM at 7am...and what do u know? a quiz! i should have known. i failed as expected...2/10. at least i knew the chief complaint. id like to reason out my failure...i was reading last night about previous lectures but didnt finish it since during that time the anaesthetic effect on my gum is slowly diminishing and i could feel the pain sinking in. so i drank my mefenamic and went on to sleep. had i finished reading i could have passed the exam.

but that didnt end it...

after the quiz we were ordered to go to the medicine ward at the fourth floor of OM to take patient history. we were grouped into 6. ours arrived first on the wards. at the entrance we were given our assigned patient. A.A., 39 y/o, room 406. so there we went. we first let the doctors and clerks and interns do their rounds before we entered. everything was going on fine. we were asking questions from the general data upto the persol/social history. until, we went back to the classroom.

since we were the ones who arrived first, we finished first. we were looking for our precepts to ask wats next but they were no where to be found. so we assumed they were in the faculty/classroom waiting. we didnt found them at the classroom. and we continue discussing about the patient on our own. when suddenly Dr. Guzman came...

'sino may sabi pwede na kayo bumaba?, bat bumaba kayo?'

shit...eto na sabi ko! lalampasuhin na kme...

damn you doc! no one informed us not to go downstairs...your intructions are incomplete and unreliable! shit ka! (but of course i didnt utter these)

its his word against us. kahit pa alam namin ang totoo, pag sinabi nila sinabi nila.

with us were 2 other groups. and dr. guzman said in his most warning tone of a voice..."sa friday, kayong 3 ang uunahin ko...pinakamahirap na precept sa inyo"

'talaga?' sabi ng mga friends ko. 'hay naku di ako natatakot' the other uttered in the most secretive way.

and i just simply said 'ako din'...but deep inside my intestines are coiling, my hands shaky, my perspiration as numerous than ever before. i was already being paranoid. cussing and enumerating the scenarios in my head.

shit talaga! first ward ko! first patient ko and eto ako takot na takot!

but isa lang ang panlaban sa lahat ng ito!

ARAL MABUTI!

my tooth extraction

a few months ago my dental pasta was destroyed and i havent had a chance to go to the dentist due to skul constraints and by the time i got free of it i procrastinated. until last night, when i came home from skul and brushing my teeth, a part of my 3rd molar fell off. a signal that i should have it removed. and so i did.

me and mom first went to baclaran to where my sister usu had her cleaning and stuff. her unusual and incomplete sense of direction led us to nowhere. it pissed me off. she always pisses me off. so after the long walk in baclaran, we've decided to go back to the dentist we knew way back from our old house in mia. and shit, it couldnt get any unluckier than this coz the doctor was out. shit talaga. so our last resort is to that dentist in Jaka. we didnt consider it in the first place eventhough its much closer to the village since they charge a whole lot of money for a tooth extraction. we're nearing the clinic when my mom saw a dental clinic at the second floor of a once was a cinema. we went there and inquired. 300 pesos! hmmm thats ok.

and then it was all there. it was my first time to have my tooth extraction since i never had problems with my teeth before except for a few dental plasta and cleaning.

'ang tigas ng ngipin mo..kanina ko pa inuuga ayaw man lang mahila'

and i just smiled. he was cute you know (the dentist). i think he's bi. a proof would be his incling for mtv at the middle of his work. its an immature reason but i still have a gut feeling. and he was good too, he has good hands and most important...a intuitive patient care.

for now i should be content not to smoke for a few days or so. im sure my alveolar macrophages and type II pneumonocytes are rejoicing. having a party at this very instance. well...happy fiesta LUNGS!

i must have have moved on

my make-up class in micro/para was cancelled this afternoon... pedia class thought we have one thats why they dismissed us early (for god knows our topic in that class today is a total boredom...bummer).

on my way home, i was listening to my mp3 of MYMP's dreaming without you. i have been listening to it all summer long until now. and i like the way the idea of the song sinks in to me like how vitamins are absorbed by the enterocytes. well anyhow, i came into a conclusion that i must have had move on from my first ex. the fortuitous (love the word) event that came last friday of seeing each other, didnt really bothered me much. i always expect our meet-up to be like somber and gray and full of bitterness. but the thing is it wasnt. minus the fact that i still have a little bit of bitterness seeing him, all in all it came out fine. it was just like meeting an old classmate whom i had a grudge with all highskul and swore to never to talk to again. it was like an acquintance. except that smiles and waving of hands are out of the question.

id like to see him again...maybe i would smile, or wave a hand, or do something...but the question is...would he smile back? or wave me hand? or do something as well?

frightening!

hanep! astig! swimming din namin! ganda ng arms ko! narcistic na ba? hehehe

parang berks or click barkada! hahaha! baduy! and cute ko dito sobra! walang kokontra!

taken nun swiming with bio mates nun last week of may...lasing ako nyan, di lang masydo halata kse cute pa rin hehehehe

me and my car (psuedo!) on our way home from swimming where we had a stop over at tagaytay

first week of med life and the EX'S

Monday: OB and Pedia

usual first day, excitement and anticipation. it was nice to see old faces of my classmates that i missed all throughout summer. and new faces as well of first yr meds whom i can see the eagerness to study in their eyes. OB class was quite nice. we had lecture and a quiz. first time that i had a quiz on a first day of class. anyway it was easy though i got wrong on the computation of LMP (last menstrual cycle) coz i swear i didnt knew it was a leap year. bummer. Pedia was ayyyt (ala randy jackson).

Tuesday: Pathology and Surgery

this one i had not much fun. first thing, our prof in patho was gay. and he has this hasty generalizations that people seated at the back (which is my usual seat) are the ones who are either late or doesnt know anything. he would always call out people at the back for answers to stupid questions like "whats the topic of chapter 1 of Robbins?" for god knows i dont know! i havent lifted my book...much more look at it. in addition to the fact that he gives 200 item shifting exams is what bothers me most in passing this class. Surgery class is boring. we had the class at OM (ospital ng maynila) accademic building (which was dormitory for clerks and interns before). it was so not fit to be a classroom with all the buzzing jeeps on the lateral side and the noisy industrial fan that we have to keep us cool in the most hell place i could have had to study. i just hope i could get good grades in it.

Wednesday: Pharmacology and FCM

pharma was interesting. the faculty was interesting. they're all eccentric. i love it! i had this one prof who's hair only grows half of his head and one woman who reminds me of those people in BATIBOT that gives stories to children. FCM well...its nothing.

after fcm class i went directly to the nursing avr to host the college organization orientation. it was fun. i love being seen by people and being popular. hehehe. i had nina who co-hosted the event with me and she was terrific, she knows how to handle my jokes and make her own as well. it was fun!

Thursday: Microbiology and Parasitology

this class i like coz it had Dr. Malijan in it. i like her, she's a carbon copy of Maria Ressa the CNN correspondent for asia and the pacific. she was cool and the rest of the faculty is cool. just like as she term it, an all girl group. cool

Friday: Medicine 1 and Clinical Pathology

medicine class was also in OM. thank god its a morning class or else i want to drop it. nevertheless the lecture given to us was interesting. it was about history taking. i cant wait to go into the wards and take patient history. my stet is ready. in clinical path, we had a quiz about venipuncture. i failed in that. i got 5/10. bummer. its bcoz of that lokalokang precept, that laughs in the most inconvenient time, in the most outrageous circumstance and in a joke that she only thinks is funny. but i like her. she's eccentric.

all in all, i had 2 quizes in my first week and a lecture in all subjects which were new to me since first weeks to me are nothing but laxing, and relaxing.

THE EX'S

my 2nd ex was texting me still. wanting me to comeback. friday, when he texted me giving me a hint of suicidal tendencies on my way home. i told him id talk to him this day. i hope i could help him.

then also friday, i was at starbucks with 2 of my med friends, margx and wapi. we were chatting. i was looking at the movie list from a far when i saw my first ex (hes a first year at UP-PGH). it was terrifying. i thought i had syncope in that instance. i didnt expect to see him. may 1 of last year that i last saw him. i didnt knew what to react when i saw him. i was sipping my coffee and that gave me a reason not to smile. he actually stopped in front of me, and our eyes met. i was excited and i think he was too. nevertheless i didnt smile. he didnt either. i shifted my gaze. and on my peripheral vision i saw him talked to one of his companion to tell probably that i was his ex.

my friend told me after he left that "buti na lang enriq and gwapo mo ngayon!"

hahaha. i hope he realizes what he was missing out.

quick wit

last night, i was relaxing on my bed, tinkering with my palm, when i was called downstairs. it was ice and djo, soaking wet from the rain. they didnt inform me that they wud be coming to pick up the animation that i have done for them. they liked it thank god! and we spent a few hours at my room, eating popcorn and smoking. they brought chocolates as a token for my work. sweet!

they've always told me that i could make money making flash movies. well, id like to entertain the idea, but i dont suppose i could always have time for creative geniusness. and besides doing work for somebody, without having any remuneration at all, but praises and flattery is much more rewarding.

if would be paid for every flattery, i could have earned a thousand...just estimating...:)

then...

i woke up this morning at around 10. had my usual cup of hot cocoa (i love ricoa in the mornings), went to my parent's room and watched tv. when suddenly...a thought came to me...my 2nd ex really wanted a way out. that his frequent bickering about my whereabouts unmindful of the fact that i have told him my actual whereabouts, is just a matter of putting my patience to the limit till it explodes and wush! gone!

he texted me a few days ago...saying that he still thinks about me...that he still loves me...and that eventhough he has someone new now, he still love me. WHOAH! YOU HEARD IT RIGHT....SOMEONE NEW! we broke up holy thursday of ths year. and in just a 1 month and whatnot he has someone new already. i want to cry. but i just can't.

im sweet...but forgettable...easily ignored...

to them it didnt matter much the times spent and the love spent. it was just so abruptly.

the important realization there is for me is that: its easy for them to brush off things, when i'm still having trouble working my way out.

it takes time...

i dont want a rebound...

that doesnt bounce...

damn...

funeral tour

Tues afternoon, i was sleeping my head out from the lack of it the night before when 3 of my med friends came over the house and asked me if i could make a macromedia flash animation for the organization orientation on what was supposedly June 10. I took the offer and made them one. My phone rang and it was my friend em with wretched news that my friend's mom just passed away.

I was in awe, shocked! i just couldn't beleive it since i havent hearing from my friend anything bad about his mom having such a medical predicament. all i knew was that his mom has DM type II and that according to my friend has now become systemic (actually it is systemic).

then, fortuitously, another friend gave me the news that one of my med friend and groupmate's dad also passed away. that i wasn't shocked since i know the medical background of his dad. and it was much easier to acccept than the previous news.

Wed came and with pau (friend) we went on a funeral tour.

i came home late at around 3. i rode a taxi on the way home. i rode 2 actually. since the first let me out in buendia after dropping a aj, coz he doesnt know the my place. stupid! the fact that HE IS a taxi driver he should have known roads, places and stuffs that has to do with traffic and MMDA. and he explained that he usu drives in bulacan. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! what is he doing in manila in the first place! shit! so i hail another, which i was forced to be dropped in Multinational since my budget didnt allow me to go any further with his BLAZING SPEED METER (but he was not driving in blazing speed mind you!).

at home i have come to realize, that i am really getting older. that realities of death and sickness is actually apprehending me of future episodes. before when i was a kid with my friends i have always thought that parents are always there...that they will be forever. but now, it all makes sense...everything has its reasons and everything has its end. im fortunate i still have my parents. i lucky to have them still loving each other and caring for each other.

if ever time comes, i dont want to die before my parents do. coz i know they wouldnt hadle it properly. i dont want to be a burden. it would be much easier for me... though not that much...

my last night out

it's so ironic that whenver my highskul barkada plans for a gimik night i failed to go (which is often), and when its time for me to plan for a gimik only one came...sad

anyway, last night i met up with my 2 of my med friends...laurice with her bf, raich with hers too. me and laurice ate at cafe breton. i ordered the galette americain and a green tea. on the backdrop was a jazz band player deafeaning sounds of the trumpets and what it sounds like gongs. i never knew jazz could be so loud. i almost ran deaf.

after dinner we went to Temple, which i hate coz some stupid bunch of people reserved the entire smoking area and that left us going to club halo.

we were early...as early as a bird for his worm. after a while, my friend geri whos the marketing manager of the club came and the rest was a drinking spree, a little dance and stuff. i came home at around 4 am. and my head throbbing, aching...in pain

by the way, aiko melendez and christine jaka was there. they were both pretty. aiko's got thin and christine jaka was superbly sexy...i almost want to sex her. haahahahaha NOT!

it's so ironic that whenver my highskul barkada plans for a gimik night i failed to go (which is often), and when its time for me to plan for a gimik only one came...sad

anyway, last night i met up with my 2 of my med friends...laurice with her bf, raich with hers too. me and laurice ate at cafe breton. i ordered the galette americain and a green tea. on the backdrop was a jazz band player deafeaning sounds of the trumpets and what it sounds like gongs. i never knew jazz could be so loud. i almost ran deaf.

after dinner we went to Temple, which i hate coz some stupid bunch of people reserved the entire smoking area and that left us going to club halo.

we were early...as early as a bird for his worm. after a while, my friend geri whos the marketing manager of the club came and the rest was a drinking spree, a little dance and stuff. i came home at around 4 am. and my head throbbing, aching...in pain

by the way, aiko melendez and christine jaka was there. they were both pretty. aiko's got thin and christine jaka was superbly sexy...i almost want to sex her. haahahahaha NOT!

ka-bio swims!

i arrived from our swimming trip in laguna around 1pm. i had a great time with my bio batchmates. its just so sad that we only got to do this kind of stuff only now. anyway, we were 11 then and got a 4T private pool. i think it was worth it, since the place is neat and cute. the only disappointment there was, is that the karaoke machine could only accomodate P5 token and thus not infinite. bummer. but i got to sing, 'you oughtta know', 'i do', 'landslide', 'one last cry' and 'when i come around'.

one of my friends bought this ethanol drink, i forgot the name, but he said wala daw tama. so there i was drinking 3 tall shots of it and coke as chaser and got tipsy. i swear ang lakas ng tama nya. i went upstairs to sleep my throbbing head, and when i went down i was cussing mad at my friend for fooling me into drinking that. good thing he bought san mig light, that somehow took away my tipsyness.

we also went to tagaytay on the way home. we thought we could go to those free look-out spots but found out that everything now in tagaytay is payable. we went to the pink sisters and there i took my time off to pray and make a wish. and i believe it wont be long now until my wish is granted. hehehehe.

when i arrived home, i found workmates of my father abroad and it so happen that my father bought me an SD card for my tungsten. cool, now i could transfer mp3s to it. hehehe. thanks papa!

what's with the 'tol'?

'father forgive me for i have sinned'
'what are your sins my child?'
'blah...blah...blah... and i do it with men'
'just what is IT that you with men?'
'SEX'

one of the silly reminiscent moments that my friend narrated on a dinner we had with 3 other friends at yellow cab tonight. and the priest said the most wonderful words...

'you see it is not only through sex that you could find intimacy...there's companionship'

wow!

we were supposed to meet them at starbucks early on but because of mark we arrived 6:30 since mark had to finish his duty at the PT clinic. and to think that my job at the SC finished at 3:30. anyway there we are eating due to the magnanimous effort of my friend em who's starving to death.

'so enriq, whats with (the name)?' and i was asked twice with the same question from two different people...talk about being intriguing
'huh?, wala!'

its really hard to explain the truth than to just merely say it.

'but do u like him?'
'well, i do, but not in the same way you think i like him'

there i was caught with one inevitable question. as much i want to toy with the idea, i wouldn't want the idea to toy me.

and the conversation went on with me explaing every bit of whats been happening to me lately. the depression state, the sadness, the predicaments, the worries, and failure that i am. and there i was recieving every bit of advice, caution, strength, and encouragement that i could ever have heard and felt.

'you know what enriq, what i think about (name my 1st ex) is that he's cheap'
'howcome?'
'not that i mean cheap as in cheap cheap, but i just felt angry that he hurt you...'

for a second there i could have married my friend...hahaha. i like ron...he's a man of few words but when he do speak he really mean it well. just like when i confided with him coz i only got a percentile rank of 47 in my first take at NMAT (national medical assessment test) he just simply said...'at least di ka 10!' its one of my favorite comforting words someone has ever told me.

'tol...'
'what's with "tol" enriq'?
'im sorry nakasanayan ko na with all the str8t guys that i have in skul'

and i argued...

'bat ganun na lang un reaksyon nyo? i can't help but notice how you think it was ridiculous that i should be saying that word'
'not naman enriq, you just changed that's all'
'and we all change'

whenever i look at my friends i feel lucky and at the same time envious. i envy em because of his strong willed, confidence, and his ability to be a positive self centered person when loveless (i fail to do that). i envy mark for being optimistic, and happy go lucky (i'm afraid im not). and i envy ron for being happy and truthful (i hope i could be). eventhough i'm not like them in essence, i'm glad that somehow they impart a little of who they are in me. but most of the times those bits and pieces of them within me vanishes when i go home and face the fact that i'm empty and lonely. i'm just waiting for that time that i will just laugh at these things...and em assured me that it will come. and i think it's enough for me to have something to look forward to.

i head home, and fortuitously rode the same fx i took this morning going to school. and now i'm sleepy...thank god!

the anatomy of a breakup

(may 28 marks my anniversary of break-up with my first...if i can't celebrate about the happy times, i might as well celebrate the not-so-happy times. he's my favorite regret and will always be my favorite mistake. wrote this one for a friend a couple of months ago)

They say that while some good things never last…some doesn’t even start. And yes, mine did not. Every relationship, one thing or another, is bound to an end, of reasons that is so diverse as the human race and as numerous as the pores lining our entire palms. However, if there is more than the word reason that would explain a break-up, it is the cause that would matter most and that would anatomize the idea.

Let me start by telling you that he was cute…a good catch for anyone; he has the brains, the looks, well…maybe not the height but all in all he put the yum in yummy. He came in to me like a bang; he was right in my face giving me everything there is I need to lift myself out of misery of being single for the past twenty years of my life. Right then I was hesitant but then again thought I wasn’t getting any younger and soon enough I gave in to the chocolate cake and ate it…entirely. But the thing is, I forgot to drink, to push the cake down my esophagus and into my stomach and into my intestines for further digestion. I failed to take in enough strength to lift me up when everything was gone. And soon enough, everything IS gone, and I’m drinking gallons of water now to eliminate the waste….to eliminate the pain.

The general objective of a break up is basically a boy stops whatever is binding him with another girl, or vice versa, and in the recent event of time, a boy finds a way out of another boy or a girl and another girl for that matter. Break up can either be a symport or antiport…or to put it in a way, mutual or antagonistic. The mutual break up is when both parties agree on the idea while the other, antagonistic, is when either of the two disagrees and hence go their opposite way. As for my case, it was an antiport and at the same time a symport. We both agreed but only the other reasoned out the break up while the other (me) remained numb.

The process of our break up was quite interesting. It was then that I realized so many things that most people wanting a break up usually takes advantage of and never really gets to think out very vividly.

Let me lay my exhibits. Exhibit number 1: No Communication. Most of the time a person wanting a way out usually cuts this off, however as in my case, I was constant and cutting the communication off wasn’t just really enough. So, he devised the ‘one-last-call’ technique. It is the call of all calls, the call that would end all calls and the call that would shame those that doesn’t even start. And that last resort to spill the break up was very much effective. However, it may be effective but lame. It’s like telling the other subconsciously that he/she is so stupid to realize the manifestation of a no-communication method. But as for me, being constant (persistent actually) was my way of telling the guy that he is more neonatal in thinking that he need to devise a good second way of quitting. And his ability to think of another way, well proves me that he is a superior form of neonatal being. At least superiorly.

Exhibit number 2: The feeling was gone. The inevitable words usually come into play. My mind was put into exhaustion when he said that. I just can’t imagine nor can my lyzosome digest the idea that THE feeling was gone. I would rather say it diminished. The feeling wasn’t really gone after all, it had just gone too enormous; just like diffusion, increase in saturation, increases permeability.

And last, Exhibit number 3: Let’s be friends. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! how sweet of you to want that! NOT! Friendship is not a consolation. It isn’t something that you give after; its something that you give before. It is a prize won. Unfortunately, we became lovers before we became friends or lack thereof.

Evidences like the aforementioned are but a few, it may not even apply to every one. But the thing is, in a break up it’s a given that the hurt will always be there. We may get rid of the pain but not the hurt. Being hurt is what matters to me in a relationship, its like medal won in a contest where everyone you compete is no one but you. It’s a feeling that you have won over numbness, jadedness and sadness. I was happy being hurt because I was able to feel, that I really for the first time in my life felt how it was to love and be loved. Weird thing was that, unlike any other break ups, I didn’t cry over it. I felt like it was just it. Maybe at the back of my mind, I was ready for the idea; that I was, even before the break up proper.

But what matters more in a break up is not the lessons I’ve learned, the pains that I endured, the one-liners I brought out and the singlehood that I once again procured, but the idea that prior to the break up is that I was happy. That even prior to the relationship there was me, the one I used to be. And that happiness will be the one to keep me looking at the horizon not with hope but of longingness that someday, I’ll meet someone and get hurt again or maybe not.

marat safin won! VAMOS!

safin won his 1st round yesterday at RG against agustin calleri of argentina (which by the way is also one of crushes but doesnt play well). he had 9 aces, 38 winners against his 29 UE which according to tennis pros as long as you keep your UE's down its a sure win. a total of 88 points won. whew! and a 204km/hr fastest serve. wow! still taylor dent of US recorded the fastest serve during the 2002 RG. safin has not been broking rackets now, what a shame coz he looks cute when he does that. hehehe. hope my predictions go well for him at this major. he really likes to one this one. its the kind of tennis he grew up with in barcelona. vamos!

you have no new messeges...never have been...never will be

'hi, musta?' is just but one of my pathetic ways of getting a text from anyone, just to test if my phone works still...well actually to find out if someone still knows im alive. every night it just gets worst. i even took reading pocket books (coz i swore not to lift a book on my vacation coz i had so much of then during skul days and one more reading could puke me to death) to take me out of the idea that nobody even cares how im doing.

except for a few text messges that goes 'enriq, meeting tom at 1 pm, skul lobby, pls forward to tanya and nina' or texts like 'pano un ganto?...' or more like 'jay, un ilaw sa backyard pakibukas' (that's my mother texting from downstairs coz he knows i wudnt hear her with my radio on) i've thought hey it isn't that bad afterall.

the positive about it is that i still have 270+ on my load in a week now. i usually metered off to like 200 in less than a week. i think that's an improvement. whatever improvement there was.

moreover, a 50 peso load wouldnt last for a day when im meeting my always 'late' friends. i disgust waiting. i hate being early at mit-ups. the last one that i intend to be late, was a joke, coz i end up being early again. bummer. i would call and text a million times for their whereabouts. i just couldn't stand it.

'hi musta?'....10 mins...20 mins...45 mins...and hour...oh what the hell there's no reply!

back to my reading...bummer...

i'm craving for my bestfriend but he's nowhere to be found!

it will be a day now since my last smoke. now i know how it feels like to be in those songs who talk about someone who doesn't have a cent to buy cigarettes. it's me and my stupid impulsive self that made all this happen. if i just settled on a winston lights rather have a west ice then i cud've been smoking now. the rationale was that i bought west ice for me to lessen my smoking, since its expensive, i would be more concious of my sticks per day. but no! in just two days it all drained down my alveoli. and the macrophages went "ahhhhhhhhhhhh" about it. in fairness, it wasn't just all me, i have a friend who smoked a quarter of my pack. so type two pneumonocytes don't put the blame on me.

hay, im so bored with all this. this is the second yr i had a very long summer. a summer full of troubles, depression and thinking. unmindful how much i have fun with my friends going out, whenver i return to my room at night and close the door, fun just seems to banish in thin air. and my air IS thinning...i can't breathe...argh!

majestic. view of the sun set on my viranda

a kodak moment

i've always thought of sleeping the sadness away

it's amazing how babies could change in so little time. my nephew, ynigo miguel pueyo, (which im proud to have been the one to give the name) is such a precious. last night he learned something new...he's now able to protrude his mouth. it's a sign of his developing gums. wipee! at 4 months he was able to hold his bottle (though not firmly). he loves when i tune in to myx and sing to him the songs. looking at his pics before when he was born, he was ugly! hahaha. back then he looked like a baby mice. i can't help but compare how beautiful he is now. he's one of the things that takes away my sadness. the way he sleeps away his childhood envies me. i've always thought of sleeping all the sadness away and never to wake up. he has no care of what's going on around him. my world moves around him...and he doesnt know that. he's my partner...to be his tito and godfather at the same time is one thing that i am proud of.

'time gets bolder, children gets older and i am getting older too' - landslide by fleetwoodmac

Roland Garros is near

yep! tennis fans out there, the 2nd grand slam of the year is about to take place in paris in june 4.

here's my my bet at the RG (not specifically winning)

1. marat safin - since his comeback he has been very good, showing in the finals of AO and finals at lisbon clay court

2. roger federer - he's on the run now

3. guillermo coria - he's improving and becoming dangerous

4. carlos moya - he'll reach the qtrs and that's it

5. leyton hewitt - i dont want to include him but what the hell, i think he cud make it till 4th round

underdogs:
roddick, fererro, calleri, robredo, haas.

hope safin cud win his most loved GS now! go go go go!

VAMOS SAFIN!

this entry was supposed to be last night until i ran out of internent account

'enriq, wer u na? tapos na duty ko mit na tayo'
'im here at bk un ave miting wit council, mit mark at plm duty sya dun'

the meeting was nothing but another boring episode of my SC career. i can't complain much, it's part of the job.

and phone rings

'o? ano?'
'nasan na kayo? ksama mo ba si ron?'
'no, punta pa ko plm dun ko siya mit'
'ganon punta pa kayo ng plm?'
'o......' and the phone collapsed in dead beat.

the meeting continues and i had a hundred jolting moments until alas it ended. i bid a quick farewell to my colleages and hurried my ass down the skul.

and there they are...mark has a patient whom he was treating with his so called "placebo theraphy" and ron sitting there trashing mark out of boredom. we went to rob place and met with aj at starbucks.

'enriq sabi ni mark manlilibre ka daw'
'ako? wala ako pera'
'cge na'
'i could only spend 1H on the both of you'
'yehey'

and there i was got fooled and baught a ruby red for mark and a cinamon roll for ron, and i got a choco frap that needless to say was irritating my throat.

'mark may kamukaha ka'
'lahat naman kamukha ko!'

we went to rent a computer at p.gil coz we aight got nothing to do. i went online and checked my stupid friendster and my mail. mark did the same only that he checked his new found online thingy...guys4men.com. it works just like friendster or ringo he said.

'enriq ba't di ka maggawa ng account dito?'
'di na kailangan!' and i burst out laughing. but seriously i won't, life is too complicated now and i don't want to complicate it even further.

'its 8, i have to go na'
'mamaya na enriq, wala pang 8, its still 7:45 on my watch'.
i beleive in my own watch, it still dictates me, and i paid my rent of 7 pesos (that's how quick i am to go online, not unless i would be downloading my mp3's), bid them goodbye and off i went home.

got an fx who's as hot as hell inside but i endured it just the same instead of me w8ting again, the last thing that i want is to be caught in the rain.

Shampoo, the Amazon Lady

one of my favorite characters in ranma 1/2, shampoo! she swore to kill the girl type ranma after being beaten. one of my anime crushes. damn, its just so boring right now. i can't w8t for skul to start.

modess with odor control

i saw this tv ad just awhile ago and it make me laugh all through out. i just thought it was ridiculous, for a man to sniff on a girl's ass on a movie and for the girl to even think of it. very primitive like dogs would in thier biological habit. hahahahha. i have to see it again and again and again! i just love it!

of circumcisions and whatnots

i was supposed to join an org this morning for an operation tule in san andres bukid but failed due a headache when i woke up 5:30 to prepare for the med mission. it left me back to my slumber and woke up at around 10.

it's fun doing circumcision. i get to be called "doc" by families i barely know and children respects me (which is rare by the way). i don't know but children usually get scared of me that's why im thinkin twice of becoming a pediatrician in my specialization. anyway, it's interesting to find that there are those children who possess dicks as small as my little finger and those that are big beyond their proportion. and i usually have a hard time operating on a dick that is as small as my pinkie, so id rather chose those that are well defined (no malice at all).

just a pity that a headache stopped me from making many gay men happy...coz just you know i make good looking dicks...har har har har!

***********************

axn is doing re-runs of ranma 1/2. yesterday it was the episode about kuno who's madly in love with pig-tailed ranma and has a sister who in turn is crazy for ranma and is vowed to beat akane for him. i remember watching ranma at channel 9 years ago (i think i was elementary then) and it had english dubbing which unlike now where they preserved the japanese speaking voice and only have english as subtitles. back then i had a crush on ryoga. hehehehe!

***********************

my eldest sister didn't go to work today for an interview with PS in makati. she's applying for HR there and i doubt if ever she could take the shifts and give my nephew her quality time as well. if she gets accepted there, what will happen to my sponsors...jag and lee? where will i get my clothes from? what the crap! if she gets to be paid well there i have nothing against it.

***********************

kfc has their new tv ad and its so funny. it is about two guys, one is munching on a new kfc product and the other with just an ice tea. the guy eating the kfc sandwich asked "gusto mo?" and to the other's delight answered "oo". and the guy who offered the sandwich licked the entire sandwich off and gave it to his refusing partner. i just remember i usually do this to my friends and my sisters. hahahaha

and another version with the same guy and the kfc sandwich asked a girl on the looby "gusto mo?" and of course much to the girl's anticipation answered "oo". plainly, the guy answered back "ako din e" and off he went munching on his food. it's just so funny! it looks like it's taken off from my works when i was in highschool and making fun of my friends. hahahahahahah. works everytime!

quit smoking

it's easy to make fun out of people's misery but its hard for those people to fake a laugh

************

i know the ins and outs of smoking...give me reasons for quitting smoking aside from those i already know!

ash castles

nothing is much more sadder than a rainy day. It was just me, my cigarette and a glass full of ice cold beer. The way i saw the flickering of my cigarette and the emerging smoke that elegantly waved pass out my bedroom window was so soothing and relaxing. I wish life could just be the same.

i have often been told to stop smoking. i even have a friend who loves me dearly but hates me intensely when i smoke. such extremes. its hard to quit on a bestfriend when you know that both of you had so much time spent together, troubled spared and endless nights of dreamy episodes. both of us grew together. unlike any other friends i got he's always there ready to listen. he gives me no nonsense advice, no mocking me around...he doesnt actually do anything...he's just there...always there without even questioning. he loves me so much and i love him too. i know we'll part ways too. in time i might find someone new who'd keep me away from him for good, or perhaps i might come to realize my susceptibility for CHD and break it up to him. But until then...until i have no one to spare my time with...until someone puts a light on me...me and my cigarette will continue building ash castles.

drinking alone

well just when i thought many wud come last night, only one did. and im gald she did share with me one bottle of beer coz god knows i'd die of boredom hadn't she come. nevertheless, when she left, i was back drinkin alone. i still have 3 bottles spared so any takers?! hehehehe!

at last!

whew! now i figured out how to make links and add a tagboard on my site. im really a certified geek! hehehe. :) its fiesta hir in our subd and its like no fiesta at all. tahimik and wala man lang bandiritas. ok lang, im still waiting for a few friends to come over and have some drink...yup you heard it right another drinking spree. hehehe. ciao!

wasted and psychosomatic

last night i went out with four of my high school friends. One went out with me to watch troy and one went back to work and the other two went out dinner. i've never really liked brad pitt not until now. the last movie i remember i watched of him was the interview with the vampire and the rest of the movie he made i didnt care. i don't know if it was the butt exposure (which he's good at) that made me like him, but most certainly it was the character. though he didnt look greek to me, but somehow the character was played well...very well. it was a good movie but not much of an epic for me...i give it 3.5 out of 4 (naks review night).

well, after the movie we went to club halo where my friend was the marketing manager. and i, a sucker for free drinks, made myself tipsy that night. i just had 2 vodkas and 1 mule though, but i guess the sound and the lights made me tipsy (it was horrible...just not my type). hehehe. i can't help but wonder how my friends are now starting to be successful in thier lives. they've been earning quite a lot. and i also cant help but envy them of their careers. in that club, i felt that im still a little kid...and i have money from mama in my pocket. but the thing is, i cannot live a life of party. it just isnt me. no matter how i love to drink and fill my lungs with smoke i still prefer the more laid back life i have now. where i just go out, go home, sleep, and dream.

when me and my friends met i have often been asked "how am i?"...i kept saying im ok now, that im over and sober. but i wonder am i really? but one thing is for sure, its glad to be back with my friends...im glad im starting to make a new start...

i woke up this morning and felt wasted from all the drinks i had. i still have gel on my hair and my breath stinks. but don't fret my admirers, i cleaned up, i took a bath...smell me im good! hehehehe

maybe my depression is just psychosomatic...