(may 28 marks my anniversary of break-up with my first...if i can't celebrate about the happy times, i might as well celebrate the not-so-happy times. he's my favorite regret and will always be my favorite mistake. wrote this one for a friend a couple of months ago)
They say that while some good things never last…some doesn’t even start. And yes, mine did not. Every relationship, one thing or another, is bound to an end, of reasons that is so diverse as the human race and as numerous as the pores lining our entire palms. However, if there is more than the word reason that would explain a break-up, it is the cause that would matter most and that would anatomize the idea.
Let me start by telling you that he was cute…a good catch for anyone; he has the brains, the looks, well…maybe not the height but all in all he put the yum in yummy. He came in to me like a bang; he was right in my face giving me everything there is I need to lift myself out of misery of being single for the past twenty years of my life. Right then I was hesitant but then again thought I wasn’t getting any younger and soon enough I gave in to the chocolate cake and ate it…entirely. But the thing is, I forgot to drink, to push the cake down my esophagus and into my stomach and into my intestines for further digestion. I failed to take in enough strength to lift me up when everything was gone. And soon enough, everything IS gone, and I’m drinking gallons of water now to eliminate the waste….to eliminate the pain.
The general objective of a break up is basically a boy stops whatever is binding him with another girl, or vice versa, and in the recent event of time, a boy finds a way out of another boy or a girl and another girl for that matter. Break up can either be a symport or antiport…or to put it in a way, mutual or antagonistic. The mutual break up is when both parties agree on the idea while the other, antagonistic, is when either of the two disagrees and hence go their opposite way. As for my case, it was an antiport and at the same time a symport. We both agreed but only the other reasoned out the break up while the other (me) remained numb.
The process of our break up was quite interesting. It was then that I realized so many things that most people wanting a break up usually takes advantage of and never really gets to think out very vividly.
Let me lay my exhibits. Exhibit number 1: No Communication. Most of the time a person wanting a way out usually cuts this off, however as in my case, I was constant and cutting the communication off wasn’t just really enough. So, he devised the ‘one-last-call’ technique. It is the call of all calls, the call that would end all calls and the call that would shame those that doesn’t even start. And that last resort to spill the break up was very much effective. However, it may be effective but lame. It’s like telling the other subconsciously that he/she is so stupid to realize the manifestation of a no-communication method. But as for me, being constant (persistent actually) was my way of telling the guy that he is more neonatal in thinking that he need to devise a good second way of quitting. And his ability to think of another way, well proves me that he is a superior form of neonatal being. At least superiorly.
Exhibit number 2: The feeling was gone. The inevitable words usually come into play. My mind was put into exhaustion when he said that. I just can’t imagine nor can my lyzosome digest the idea that THE feeling was gone. I would rather say it diminished. The feeling wasn’t really gone after all, it had just gone too enormous; just like diffusion, increase in saturation, increases permeability.
And last, Exhibit number 3: Let’s be friends. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! how sweet of you to want that! NOT! Friendship is not a consolation. It isn’t something that you give after; its something that you give before. It is a prize won. Unfortunately, we became lovers before we became friends or lack thereof.
Evidences like the aforementioned are but a few, it may not even apply to every one. But the thing is, in a break up it’s a given that the hurt will always be there. We may get rid of the pain but not the hurt. Being hurt is what matters to me in a relationship, its like medal won in a contest where everyone you compete is no one but you. It’s a feeling that you have won over numbness, jadedness and sadness. I was happy being hurt because I was able to feel, that I really for the first time in my life felt how it was to love and be loved. Weird thing was that, unlike any other break ups, I didn’t cry over it. I felt like it was just it. Maybe at the back of my mind, I was ready for the idea; that I was, even before the break up proper.
But what matters more in a break up is not the lessons I’ve learned, the pains that I endured, the one-liners I brought out and the singlehood that I once again procured, but the idea that prior to the break up is that I was happy. That even prior to the relationship there was me, the one I used to be. And that happiness will be the one to keep me looking at the horizon not with hope but of longingness that someday, I’ll meet someone and get hurt again or maybe not.
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