what's with the 'tol'?

'father forgive me for i have sinned'
'what are your sins my child?'
'blah...blah...blah... and i do it with men'
'just what is IT that you with men?'
'SEX'

one of the silly reminiscent moments that my friend narrated on a dinner we had with 3 other friends at yellow cab tonight. and the priest said the most wonderful words...

'you see it is not only through sex that you could find intimacy...there's companionship'

wow!

we were supposed to meet them at starbucks early on but because of mark we arrived 6:30 since mark had to finish his duty at the PT clinic. and to think that my job at the SC finished at 3:30. anyway there we are eating due to the magnanimous effort of my friend em who's starving to death.

'so enriq, whats with (the name)?' and i was asked twice with the same question from two different people...talk about being intriguing
'huh?, wala!'

its really hard to explain the truth than to just merely say it.

'but do u like him?'
'well, i do, but not in the same way you think i like him'

there i was caught with one inevitable question. as much i want to toy with the idea, i wouldn't want the idea to toy me.

and the conversation went on with me explaing every bit of whats been happening to me lately. the depression state, the sadness, the predicaments, the worries, and failure that i am. and there i was recieving every bit of advice, caution, strength, and encouragement that i could ever have heard and felt.

'you know what enriq, what i think about (name my 1st ex) is that he's cheap'
'howcome?'
'not that i mean cheap as in cheap cheap, but i just felt angry that he hurt you...'

for a second there i could have married my friend...hahaha. i like ron...he's a man of few words but when he do speak he really mean it well. just like when i confided with him coz i only got a percentile rank of 47 in my first take at NMAT (national medical assessment test) he just simply said...'at least di ka 10!' its one of my favorite comforting words someone has ever told me.

'tol...'
'what's with "tol" enriq'?
'im sorry nakasanayan ko na with all the str8t guys that i have in skul'

and i argued...

'bat ganun na lang un reaksyon nyo? i can't help but notice how you think it was ridiculous that i should be saying that word'
'not naman enriq, you just changed that's all'
'and we all change'

whenever i look at my friends i feel lucky and at the same time envious. i envy em because of his strong willed, confidence, and his ability to be a positive self centered person when loveless (i fail to do that). i envy mark for being optimistic, and happy go lucky (i'm afraid im not). and i envy ron for being happy and truthful (i hope i could be). eventhough i'm not like them in essence, i'm glad that somehow they impart a little of who they are in me. but most of the times those bits and pieces of them within me vanishes when i go home and face the fact that i'm empty and lonely. i'm just waiting for that time that i will just laugh at these things...and em assured me that it will come. and i think it's enough for me to have something to look forward to.

i head home, and fortuitously rode the same fx i took this morning going to school. and now i'm sleepy...thank god!