badtrip

i cut my surgery class today.  margx and i didnt finish the lecture and went home with the hope that  we could study for tom's exam.  and what the hell...im here blogging my ass off from my habitual procrastination.  all i did basically since i arrived home at around 3 was to take a shower, check mails, smoke, eat my fav banana bread, and smoke some more.  damn...im really getting tired of procrastinating...i should think of something else, a word to describe my laziness. 
 
i was reading my previous posts here. i have this fondness of reading my entire blog from the first entry.  and it left my a touch of sadness.  i realized that 85% of my entries are about broken heartedness, love and the lack of it, sadness, feeling of unworthiness, depression, and loneliness.  and i have come to doubt myself if i ever be more than those entries?  and that if my entries really reflect what im feeling or am i just pushing myself too hard.  a martyr syndrome i guess.
 
i dont know but 85% of the reason why i blog is whenever i feel sad and lonely.  i guess its an illogical effect if you're the type of person who has no one to talk to with your problems and whats going on inside.  that if ever there are people who could actually hear me would just tell me to forget it and be over with it.  until now, im still being labelled my my friend margx as having the 'enz disease'.  i hate it. 
 
i cant blame her.  i dont open to her that much now.  im afraid to open to her THAT much.  i mean we share a lot of things that somehow i realize that there are a LOT of things that should be left for me.  at least some of it.  she knows when im sad, she sees it in my eyes and my movements.  actually now its becoming worse, its not only her that can see through me, even my classmates can. 
 
one time FCM class, i was alone at the back, paula asked me...'enriq bat malungkot ka?' 
for a seconf there i was speechless...i dont know if i would lie or tell the truth.  damn. i was caught off guard.  and i just said...'ako? malungkot? hinde naman'  and that said it all...MALUNGKOT NGA AKO! bummer!
 
sobrang lungkot ko i again visited my ex's xanga site...
 
bat ganto ba ang buhay? konting pagkakataon na masaya...babawiin pa ng kay tagal!