love at phone chat

a special friend asked me if its possible to fall in love for someone you havent met yet.  i said it isnt a remote idea.  it happened to me.  but as i was lying in my bed waiting for sleep to take over, i thought if it did happened to me or am i just deluding myself. the past two relationships in my life was a product of love at phone chat.  i told that friend of mine that physical attributes usually becomes a secondary effect once you get to know the person inside.  it is a frightening thought of what if's and uncertainty.  i still believe that attitude plays an important aspect of liking someone.  its a cliche sort of an idea but i have had met people who's looks could kill but their minds could kill as well...literally.  its a sad reality that there are shallow people.  that there are people without 'intel indside'. 

im afraid to love because of this idea.  i have always been afraid that people would always look for something else than my mind could offer.  im afraid that i could only offer less.  and that if i could make something out of that 'less'.  im not a perfect person.  compensating for that imperfection is what do best.  but somehow, compensating is not enough to make it all happen.  no matter what, people will and always will, have expectations from you.  and the worst of it all is that will that expectation be ever met?

im actually doubting myself if i do really know how to love.  if ever i have learned from my past.  my history doesnt give that much of an insight of what to do. a song is kept playing inside of my head last night...much to my chagrin it was FOOLISH HEART.  ive never been so much in related to that song until recently.  when words like 'im so tired of being alone but will my lonely heart play the part of a fool again' and the chorus would simply put me in a state of disillutionment.  what if im being caught off guard again?  what if after all my heart feels is the idea that i have been fooled again?  that after all this time im decieving myself thinking this could be the one...that it is TRUE? 

uncertainties never fail to bother me.  uncertainties would always leave me lost for words.  i could talk too much and be silent after.  silence is my cue for doubting.  i hate it when i go quiet over a period of my blabbing.  i cant help it.  its how i am.  and i hate it coz people notices it.  i cant argue with myself with it or we'd have the entire lifetime fighting with each other without anyone ever winning over the other. 

what is it that signals that you love someone?  it wouldnt be as simple as when you miss someone, have fun with someone, nor being romantic with someone. 

i think im in love when im afraid to tell that i DO love that someone...