bigger than my problem

a power blackout woke me up this morning. had it been to the sweat running down my forhead and neck i wudnt have awaken. anyhow...the very first feeling i had that morning was frustration. i hate myself of everything that i am. im disappointed of everything in my life. i thought i have learned my lessons. but it seemed to me that im just going in circles. ive always thought that i was just standing still, when in fact i am going nowhere. it bothers me that i havent moved a lot.

this afternoon, i made a phone call to my friend jun. we catched up on things going on with our lives. and i cant help but confide to him about my worries. he told me things that i have already known but failed to notice. i asked him, why is that he could talk to me and give me advice about my life eventhough he's straight and barely know the culture that i am in. he told me,

'im frustrated when it comes with love, the idea that it happens to other people gives me something to look forward to for myself. love may not happen to me, but at least it does to other people. and that assures me it will too with mine.'

i too am frustrated. the only difference between me and him is that he makes an effort to know that love still works. unlike him, i bottle up my sadness, thinking that i can make it on my own. i have always had problems expressing myself. i dont talk to numerous people asking for advice. i may confide to one or two and thats it. i have always thought im strong. i even have problems crying coz i dont know how to cry coz i dont know WHEN crying is appropriate. i rationalize things too easily.

he told me to take it easy...

he told me im bigger than my problem...

often times i dont know where to stand. i dont know how to act. no matter how thick my force field is, people seems to know how to get in. am i that too shallow?

im afraid of thinking what will happen next with my life. i should know how to revolve around the world. its not always that i have my own universe. its not always about me. me wouldnt even count.

im terrified...

sacred...

empty...