Sunday, November 11, 2007

anu ba to?

i feel sad tonight. i have read quite a number of books already and i cant just finish them. 5 to 10 pages and id flip on another book. i went online. checked my friendster and checked out pictures of my friends that i miss. damn... they feel so far (actually a lot of them are indeed geographically far). di naman ako makatulog coz i slept all my afternoon off. i feel so bloated from sleeping and my head is still throbbing.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

salamat po

its not often that i check my guestbook here in my blog under "for your diagnosis click here", but for some sort of reason i just felt i had to. and i was astounded by christian's entry. here it is:

hi poh!­ ako po si christian m. antonio, inoperahan po ako sa ospital ng maynila. naadmit po ako ng oct. 15, 2007, oct. 16, 2007 is the operation, and oct. 18 po ang release. Room 319, 3rd floor., inoperahan po ang aking polyps sa ilong, grade lll, polypectomy po ang operation sa pangunguna ni Dr. Armando M. Chiong, Jr.., gusto ko lang pong magpasalamat sa mga taong nasa likod ng aking pagkagaling.. Nais ko pong magpasalamat sa intern na nurse (kamukha s'ya ni sean kingston kac mataba­, ininterview s'ya ng nanay ko at nalaman naming galing s'ya sa philippine womens university), nais ko rin pong pasalamatan ang resident nurse ng ospital ng maynila coz lagi siyang bumibisita pero it hurts da dextrose wen pnablisan n'ya­.

at higit sa lahat, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga intern na doctora­( kung di ako nag kakamali, halos lahat cla ung nakita ko dun sa ent opd) cla ang nag asikaso sa 'kin cmula umpisa hanggang huli, maraming salamat sa lalaking naka salamin, semi kalbo, in dark complection coz ginawa n'ya ang lahat para maadmit agad ako kasi late ako.,maraming salamat sa babae na medyo maliit pero cute­ na naglagay ng dextrose sa kin( ang sakit kac 2 trial sa kaliwa pero di kinaya kaya sa 3rd trial sa kanan, okey na) maraming salamat sa kanya kac inackaso nya ko ng mabuti at lagi n'ya kong bnibcta kung ayos lang ako, at tuwing mauubos ang dextrose ay pinapalitan n'ya., w8t for the nxt.., ipagpaatuloy ko pa po.....

apparently he's not my patient but he did sought consult and was operated by my beloved ospital ng maynila. salamat sa kind words you said christian. eventhough im in a new hospital now, i always get this proud feeling when OM gets to help people who are in need. people who cannot afford immediate medical attention.

spending a whole year for my clinical clerkship in that hospital has taught me alot of things. back then i thought i cannot handle doing medical interventions, but OM has put confidence in a young aspiring doctor like me. i did tons of procedures like IV insertion, NGT insertion, papsmear, internal examinations, doing vaginal deliveries, assisting in OR (being a scrub nurse and a 2nd assist at the same time), epidural tap, suturing lacerations, flushing cerumen out of one's ear, getting out foreign bodies on ears and noses, putting on foley catheters in women and men and so much more. i was able to memorize drugs and give proper prescriptions which i thought i'd never be able to master in med school's theoretical approach.

OM is not a perfect hospital. there are alot of times we cannot give medications coz the pharmacy has ran out of it and patients opted to buy their medications for themselves. there are times when we dont even have waterswhich is essential in all aspect of medical care. there were months when we had to call up people outside the hospital to transfer to the wards our admitted patients in stretchers coz the elevator wont work. there are countless times when we had to shed out out own money just to buy EDTA tubes, suction tips, mircopores and the like coz we the hospital has just a number of it for use with our patients. we had to borrow mechanical ventilators from other private institutions to sustain life for our dying patients. we only even have one incubator for our preterm deliveries, the rest we put on droplights just to keep the newborns warm. we had to recycle opened suture packs for future use. all these and so much more, we doctors and our patients had to endure. as much as it is hard for our patients it is harder for us doctors in that hospital to see our patients and we can only do so much. as a doctor, studying for ten years, our primary goal was to heal. whatever outcome our management brings is not of our own liking. we cannot blame people if ever there are a lot of times we get misunderstood and blamed for their patient's demise. im sorry for that. but we never mean to hurt or do harm. like all of our patient's relatives we feel remorse. but the hardest of it all is that doctors in OM have to put up a good front. empathizing and sympathizing so much would compromise our decision making. that's why some people think of us as "balahura" or "walang puso". its not that. it isnt and never will we be like that. we are being misunderstood. people's ignorance of how life is being a doctor predisposes them to judge with which we cannot avoid since it is their right to do so. but all i am asking and all that i am hoping is that people see beyond the shortage of our hospital but the expertise of the our doctors that we know what we are doing. we are trained hard... so hard enough that we tend to loose ourselves.

patients like christian are those people whom anyone in OM will be thankful for as well. coz he was able to see beyond the hospital's interior and exterior but he was able to see the goodness in people who works inside those walls. i am lucky that for a year was a part of that hospital. i was trained properly not only on medical management but with my personal need to be a good doctor. yes there maybe times that i may have gone to the dark side as they say, but i know for a fact that deep inside me, i respected my patients and i valued their existence.

now that im in a private hospital, whenever i get to encounter patients who have transferred from OM to MCM for thier medical need because of their qualms and complaints from their previous hospital, i always tell them that i too came from that hospital and i am proud that i was and i am still, i see to it that whatever worries they have with OM will be forgotten. i would even encourage them to go back in OM. coz it still pains me that in a private hospital even a cotton ball with alcohol is charged to the patient's bill. nevertheless MCM has proved to serve their patients very well.

for everyone, a government hospital is not always that bad, the pungent smell, the lack of instruments, the dirty halls. government hospitals are like any other private hospital... we aim to cure, to heal to give comfort. im just hoping that these government hospital be untouched by curruption and political motives. i plead to municipalities, to officials and to anyone who are involve, its time to give the people back what their taxes are worth. help your hospitals be like as enticing as the malls your district or cities have. help us doctors....

Monday, November 05, 2007

one way or another

the macbookpro...



let my introduce to you my new apple of the eye... the macbook pro. its better than a car but less better than an isuzu swift. hehe

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i've been feeling better lately. friends do know how to help, infact they know exactly what to do. they did all the packing for me. they rearranged my closet and brought out my good side. having been down and helpless for 3 months was not easy. it was like going through some rough climb that youre too eager to reach the peak. people that i have met in the course of my misery made me realize im not that hard to love. each and everyday these people gives me the push that i need. yes, ive been down grading myself too much lately and im the only one to blame. i realized that. there are more things in life than broken relationships, or failed subjects, or lack of sleep, there are those things that one person neet yet to discover. and that idea thrills me. questions of what the future leads fears me no more. "moving on" is but two words. one way or another things will come and haunt me still but the idea that i can walk through it without having the fear of being broken yet again is something i have yet to achieve. surely, one's strength sprungs forth one's misery. and im thankful for that.

have i moved on? yes; have i forgotten? no. things will always and forever leave a mark on one person. what i need now i guess is someone that could mask that mark with something else. im not afraid anymore. im not even weary. im happy. and im hoping.

hope is such a sweet word... its my favorite word as a matter of fact.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Harvey's Journal - A new project

this is my new baby... this is a website i am now busy working on (takes my mind off from thinking something else). Its a site for my good resident friend... harvey from the surgery dept of OMMC. a starbucks coffee was a payment for this. ang babaw no? haha. anyway di ko pa tapus yan so bear with me.

visit: harveyjournal.freehostia.com

Saturday, October 20, 2007

all in a day's work

sleep all day


the typist

a cup in hand, a heartful of love


doctors in line

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

im so sick

since yesterday, i have been having mild cough which was non-productive, it kept me awake the whole night. then just this morning, i had my pharyngeal walls examined by my co-intern and i have acute tonsillopharyngitis, non-exudative. i was having low grade fever the whole day. i already took one tab of para and started my amox with day1 at 10pm. what's worst is i had to stay until 6pm at the OPD coz my resident came late around 4pm to check on all my referrals before discharging them. and there was this one girl, aged 24, who "allegedly" took cytotec for headache which made her bleed profusely for two weeks. and the catch is she knows she's pregnant. we tried juicing in on her induced abortion but she kept on denying she took it deliberately when she found out that she would be blottered by the NBI for that. frank kept on pushing me to scold the girl coz he knows i hate abortions, but i lacked strength that i just let her. anyway, my resident did all the scolding.

i hate being sick. im already stressed with all that has been going around in my life and here i am bothered by my health. sigh... can't it all stop?....

Saturday, October 13, 2007

bakit di dalawin

i don't why but its been months and yet i still feel empty. Im laughing but im crying on the inside. as i was lying at our intern's quarters, i suddenly felt all the memories coming back. the happy days i have spent, those nights that eventhough i havent had any sleep made me awake just to be with someone. i don't know how i could move on...honestly. im trying very hard. you just dont know why. i miss those times i would get a text asking how i am, have i eaten, if im tired, if i have studied. you know that feeling that you're moving around in the world but you dont feel you mean anything... that you're just "existing"... that's how i am right now. so many questions i can't answer. i dont know how to help myself....

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** i was listening to soapdish's song "Pwede ba"... i cried. i remember i used to watch them at 70s bistro. then my friend andrea called me up. parang nsa tiyempo na tumawag sya. she cheered me up. she told me bat di ko sya itext kung nalulungkot ako, and i just told her i dont know. sigh.... ang gulo... ang gulo ng icip ko.


Sunday, October 07, 2007

single na nga pala ako

medical schools in the country was in a clamor with eri hatcher's line in desperate housewives where she questioned the doctor after being diagnosed menopausal saying that she needs papers so as to make sure he's (doctor) not a graduate of some medical school in the philippines.

yep, she said it clearly "some schools in the philippines". i dont know what the writers were up to when they put it in their script. many doctors are now taking up MLE and many of them are successful in the states. as far as i know, filipino doctors are much more knowledgeable then westeners. a filipino doctor can diagnose a patient even without any ancillary procedures, relying mainly on the clinical picture, the signs and symptoms. a filipino doctor, though pressed for new technologies is still at par with the kind of resourcefullness in their management. and what sets filipino doctors apart from the rest is the kind of service we entail, a service that has become an obligation to reach those whose medical attention is of great value... the poor. being a filipino doctor is still one of the noblest of all deeds. the greatest of all profession.
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i was checking up friendster, saw one profile that reminded me that i am actually single. i was so slow to notice it was changed. damn. single na nga talaga din ako. kawawa naman ako kung di ko din i change, bka sabihin ng mga tao im still lingering on (which is true... hahaha). oh well... slowly im getting there....

she's arriving

i was bound to leave the hospital early this morning to pick my mom at the airport, but she called me last night at 12md to inform me that her airplane wont be leaving until 4am, and that she would be arriving at 6pm today. i miss my mom. sometimes i wish i could open up to her. i wish i could tell her what has been happening to me lately. all the trouble ive been through, and the sadness that still lingers. i envision her hugging me and telling me it would be alright son. but i can't. it would pain her so much to see her son in loneliness. and the reasons would even hurt her more. i just have to keep it. these past few days she calls me and asks me what i like. i told her of course. she said she bought me a pair of chucks, a new style i saw over the internet and a crocs. my dad bought me a milano shoes and my fav perfume... armani code black. so aside from me missing my mom, im excited coz ill be getting suffs. hehehe. my sister will be leaving this month for the US, and i better get ready my list of pasalubong. hahaha.
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ive downloaded a couple ot programs that has been keeping me busy learning these past few days. Photodex Proshow Producer and adobe photoshop CS3. i have a project before this year ends, so i better start, coz by january ill be starting my own reveiw for the boards.

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time fly so fast, but loneliness always put a halt into everything.
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im currently listening to silent sanctuary's version of APO's tuyo na ang damdamin... a song that reminds me how sad i am and how reality tells me i can never go back coz his heart is dry. sad.


Silent Sanctuary - Tuyo Na'ng Damdamin lyrics

Minsan kahit na pilitin mong uminit ang damdamin
Di siya susunod, at di maglalambing
Minsan di mo na mapigil mapansin
Na talagang wala nang naiiwan na pagmamahal

[Refrain]
At kahit na anong gawin
Di mo na mapilit at madaya
Aminin sa sarili mo
Na wala ka nang mabubuga

Parang 'sang kandila na nagdadala
Ng ilaw at liwanag
Nauubos rin sa magdamag

(Instrumental)
Minsan di mo na mapigil mapansin
Na talagang wala nang naiiwan na pagmamahal

(Repeat Refrain)
Di na madaig o mabalik ang dating matamis na kahapon
Pilitin ma'y tuyo na'ng damdamin

Tuyo na'ng damdamin (repeat 4x)ha......

Friday, September 28, 2007

rummaged pictures

i was looking through frank's photos in his laptop and i managed to get these rare pictures ( since i dont have them on my own hard drive). These are random pictures from our med school days. it was just funny remembering those fun stuffs that we did.


me and jen



at tagaytay where we often times unwind after an exam

dance ladies! @ MTG 2005


HALA! cge lang!



the time when we did several church visits to pray for our promoboards. this one was at pink sisters in tagaytay



jayson's birthday at rob. dito nag baon ng mga buto ng chiken si meng. hahaha


community health education... 3rd year


2nd year, pharmacology lab experiment


ang laaaaaaaaayyyyyyooooooo


ok... i know what youre thinking!



from left to right: jayson's ex, jayson, jern and me in san juan batangas



uwian na pero picturan pa rin

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

MCM on strike

while i was at the OR assisting on a TAHBSO (transabdominal hysterectomy with bilaterl salphingooophorectomy), all residents, interns and clerks were paged at the auditorium. I found out after my OR that the meeting is about the contingency plan of the hospital for tom's nurses strike. the hospital needed all the manpower they could get. In effect, interns and clerks were deployed to different posts. I, being a lover of vaginas, was assigned at the DR, to be the intern/nurse, while my clerks will be under me. some of my friends, like frank, being a med tech grad was assigned at the laboratory. one of the good things that they have come up was the shifting type of schedule. Like the nurses, we are given a shift, either an AM shift or a PM shift. so that would be 12 hours of duty everyday, while our residents will be on perpetual duty. im expecting it will be hell tom. like everyone will be going bizerks over stuffs we dont actually do. well, as for us interns coming from OM, more or less we know wat to do. coz way back in OM, we were the nurses/clerks. it would be a piece of cake for us na lang. hehe. so before the strike begins here are more pics from our interns party....

one final meeting before the party


(Left-right): jester (clerkie ring bearer)hehe, louie our "escort" and behind him was glenda "muse". of course our real line-up: madam (treasurere), me (vp-internal affairs), oca (secretary), robert (president), paulo (vp-external affairs)

uwian na! after the party! mga lasing na doctor!
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one of the characteristics that make up a five star doctor is being a manager. but being a manager, a doctor is different. because unlike any other managers, doctors handle, people, business and health or life all at the same time. many doctors may not be able to wholly manage these 3 aspects in their career, yet... the idea of a doctor being a manager is uncomparable. its the "worth" of being a manager that sets a doctor above all managers. MCM nurses may go on strike because of a lousy administrative policy, but its the business aspect of the managerial duties of a doctor which has never been taught in med school. Doctors need a lot more thing to learn from this aspect. yet again, its not an individual in medicine has one primary goal and that is to heal, give cure, alleviate pain. all sums up to the preservation of life.
law can make white into black and medicine can turn black into white. the problem here is when medicine tries to make law work for its purpose.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

ako lang ang nagmahal

Sa aking pag-iisa, ika'y biglang lumapit
At bago ko namalayan ako'y umibig sa 'yo
Sa isang saglit akala ko'y di na wawakas
Aking mundo'y lumawak at nagpumiglas
At nangarap na parati kang kasama
Sana bawat gabi kasiping ka
Sa himbing ng tulog ko ang panaginip ko'y ikaw
At sa aking paggising ikaw pa rin ang lahat
Ilang taon akong kumapit ng pagkahigpit
Parang malinaw ang lahat kahit nakapikit
At umasa ako na lagi kang kasama
Bata't ang nais kong laging kapiling ka

[Refrain]
Ngunit tamis ng pag-ibig ay pinatatabang ng panahon
Hindi lahat ng kwento'y masayang nagwawakas
At bago ko namalayan di mo na ko kailangan
At ako'y muli ngayong nag-iisa

[Chorus]
Siguro nga umasa akong magtatagal
Ang init ng iyong halik
Naglahong parang panaginip
Ako lang siguro ang nagmahal
(Repeat Refrain)(Repeat Chorus)
Nagmahal... sa 'yo

i cried when a friend of mine posted his on my friendster... why does the world have this kind of songs....

Saturday, September 22, 2007

VAGies! (pronounced: vahgeez)


the other day, i was lucky to watch a vaginal hysterectomy in action. its a procedure where the uterus is taken out through the vagina without the usual abdominal incision we often see in a transabdominal hysterectomy. what happens in the procedure is that, the cervix is pulled outside the vagina, an incision is made through the distal 1/3 of the cervix and the uterus is pulled from the inside. wonderful isnt it? i didn get to finish the entire operation coz i got a text that the CS that i am to assist is about to start. i dont know with vaginas and the whole female reproductive tract that amazes me, but it always is fun doing ORs with them. i think im really into OB-GYNE. hmmmm.




Last night i was on duty... i recieved a text from my bestfriend margaux, she had a dream, and in that dream of hers i wasnt the doctor, but i was the patient. she warned me to be careful. from the sound of it, i knew she had a terrible dream of me. i wasnt able to ask the details of he dream coz i ran out of load. but i hope its not a premonition or something. come to think of it, las wednesday, while driving my way to UP diliman, i was on a near crash with this stupid bus who cut my lane. my breaks were tough that i was able to get through and shout "fuck you" to the lucky driver.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Happy Birthday enzo!

This is my video account of my bestfriend's caesarian operation at OM.

Surgeons: Dra Angeles and Dra. Pineda

I was suppose to scrub in but the nurses might not approve of it since im not anymore connected with the hospital. :) anyway, the baby's score was 9,9 and it has big balls. geez! mana ata sa ama! haha. it was a great experience. may bago na naman ako inaanak nyan hehe. sana maging good boy sya and i promise her mother ill take good care of him. Swerte ng bestfriend ko, walang bayad na CS! pati gamit kme ng prepare! hehe HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENZO

Final diagnosis: Pregnancy Uterine, 37 5/7 weeks AOG by LMP, delivered via primary CS a live baby boy. AS: 9,9 BW: 6lbs.

Monday, September 03, 2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

today's my birthday... some of the wishes i made may have not been realized but nevertheless its one event in every year i always look forward to. three days ago, some of my friends has been greeting me in advance, and this morning everyone was like all excited. jaja kept on greeting me expecting that i would give a treat. which eventually i did. i bought an ice cream for the whole interns to eat. thanks to AR for buying it. just too bad jaja wasnt able to stay to lavish on the ice cream i bought much from her eagerness to greet me. hehe. i felt really special. i felt loved. it was then i realized that im not alone afterall. sbi ko nga sa mga friends ko na ang birthday ko katumbas ng pagsilang ni jesus, ganun sya ka special and ka-eventful. hahahaha. funny lang coz some of my friends was asking me if i revcieved a greeting from that someone. and fortunately i did. i recieved that one greeting that i have been expecting all these times. it was short i know. but it meant a lot for me. it was the grandest gift i recieved. it was the greeting that would end all greetings. hehe. i was wanting to be told that "i love you" thing but its ok... maybe it wasnt really supposed to be.

right now i have come to accept things. its my 25th birthday. i thought this year id be spending it with someone, well i guess its another year ill be sharing it alone. but im contented. there may be instances i would still feel lonely but i will carry on.


During our grand duty party at the Pedia Department. I had the greatest time with the department. They made me consider going to Pedia for my residency. hmmmm... OB pa rin. hahaha


This is my bestfriend margaux on NST (non-stress test). Her result was ok, and the baby was fine. she used to have a belly button (kasama nya ko when she opted to get one) and now all her belly have is the linea nigra and a hundred stretch marks. hahaha. i love you bestfriend. thanks for all the comforting words. i still owe you that money i know! haha



Si margarita matapos sya maitable ng dalawang naggagwapuhang lalake. hehehe

TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO GREETED ME, IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU ALL.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Monday, August 20, 2007

HAIL TO THE NEW BREED OF DOCTORS

congratulations to my fellow doctors... to my ex-interns, kayo ang idol ko... :)

top schools with >100 examinees:
1. UP Manila College of Medicine - 141/142 (99%) - kung sino man ung isa na un dont worry magaling ka pa rin
2. UST Faculty of Medicine & Surgery - 298/327 (91%) - i plan to take my review with them
3. FEU NRMF - 155/188 (82%) - whaaat? they're a suprise... dark horse hehe

top schools with <100 examinees
1. CIM- 100% (54/54) - no comment
2. MSU - 93% (28/30) - magaling to sa visayas region... no wonder
3. PLM - 89% (76/85) - SOBRA GALING! bias ako! hehe we havent gotten below 87% sa boards. galing talaga ng mga doctor ng scholars ng maynila. sayang di lahat nag take ng boards. sana sa batch namin lahat. and sana lahat pumasa para 100% hehehe. the saturday review is also worth siting in but mas maganda sa library cgro. hehe

others:
4. St. Luke's - 84% - ilan kaya sila nag take ... hmmmm 3?
5. St. Louis U - 82% - another underrated school... toxic mga students nila, nakasama ko sila sa san lazaro... and sila lang ang may tyagang mag rounds kse hindi time mag rounds... adik ata sila
6. UERM - 80% (the used to pass in the 50%) - hmmm... another "used to be" school
7. WVSU - 79% - anu tong school na to?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

long weekend


friday was nina's birthday. frank, ara, janna, wapi and me went to QC for her simple celebration. unmindful of the storm we headed north for my own craving for beer and to see nina on her most special day. i was the one driving and i toured them to places i have been to in QC, especially in UP area. places i used to booze around. places were i go to whether i may be on preduty or post-duty. and ara was exclaiming there i go again reminiscing. driving down those familiar roads and seeing familiar places made me remember those good ol times. yung parehas kme walang walang pera, that all i got is 200pesos for gas and him 150 or so. we would order barbeque, isaw and liempo costing us less than a hundred then i'd buy us drinks na titipirin namin para makaabot lang ng 12mn na may iniinom pa kme. on occasions that i have more extra money, we'd buy more drinks and i go home feeling tipsy driving down edsa trying not to sleep. anyway going back, that night, i had all the beer i could get my hands on. i beleive i had 6 bottles, not to mention the shots i get whenever i go inside nina's house to pee. so there i was drunk. all the songs playing on the videoke were my songs. songs that remind me of you. i know it was a deliberate thing my friends did but somehow it felt nice, you know, being drunk, laughing insessantly, and lonely all at the same time. Hani jay, one of my barkada way back in premed was also there, the last time we saw each other was graduation, circa 2003. 4 years but it still felt like we didnt changed. makulit pa rin sya. he would tell me stories on how doctors come up to him with indescent proposals, and the how he play along (of course di sya pumapatol di ba, isa lang syang sabihin na nating magaling dumiskarte) hehe. anyway, by 1130, we decided to call it a night. frank didnt let me drive since i was so drunk. he drove my car till Makati where he dropped himself off and Sig (a PGI from PGH) was also with us and he drive us to manila until PGH. Frankie gave us two bags of pandesal para daw may almusal kme that morning. hehe from there on, i was sober enough to drive by myself and reach MCM just in time that the heavy rain poured down. i didnt brought extra clothes thinking that i could still go home. but wapi lend me his clothes, from the polo, the pants, the brief and the socks. good thing i was on early relievement the following day that i went home without even taking a bath (and yes bilang isang doctor, dapat masanay na di naliligo. hehehe).

back at home, i slept my heart out. i was awaken at 2pm with my stomach grumbling for food (since i didnt ate dinner last night and the breakfast was as good as not to eat as well). after eating i went back to bed, and woke up 7pm to blog. my body is so heavy from sleeping. i still have tom to sleep all day. perhaps ill get myself busy by cleaning my room, and doing my presentation for the case report ill be doing about neonatal hypoglycemia.
eventhough i have tons to do and millions to think of.. i dont know but i still think about you. it is a bad habit i know. even bad to send an sms from time to time eventhough i know i wouldnt be recieving a reply. im still in tha period where i still dont understand things. that there is something missing with the way we left things. why am i still hoping? why do i feel like there's a catch with all of this? this morning, as i was preparing my things, getting my used clothes off my locker and stuffing them in my bag, with the gloomy skyline that morning, i looked outside the penthouse's window, and i felt sad.


i wonder how other people could live empty lives like this. as cars ran down the street and few people running so as no to catch the impending outpour, at the top of a building was someone wishing things could have been better.

Post-grad interns as we practice for the 40th Celebration of MCM, we did a handmime, which to everyone's delight we had a repeat performance the night of the alumni homecoming.

Final layout of the intern's poster.. there are spaces still coz i havent been blessed with a good lighting these past few days that the rain been pouring. hopefully by this coming week i could be able to finish all the pending photo shoot.

Monday, August 13, 2007

be M.D./

Here's a preview of the intern's poster that im busy doing (Keeping me out of feeling jaded). It's a copy of the "be bench/" poster. It's not the usual poster you'd see in the hospital where each department would show their roster of residents, ours is in a way very ambitious. hehe. i want a poster that would make everyone think that doctors can be pretty and cute beyond their toxic duties. i have shown this to our president and co-interns and they were all raving about it. i just hope that the hospital director will allow us to post this in the hospital. hehe. by the way, i took all the pictures except for mine (kandi did), my frustrations as a photographer was yet again revived. hehe.
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i had a toxic duty last night, i had roughly 15 ER consults, 2 admissions and 1 DOA (dead on arrival). the last was the most exhausting. the grandmother (together with the parents) arrived at the ER carrying their 3 week old infant, the nose was covered in blood and the baby was cyanotic. as i saw it i knew the baby has been dead for almost an hour. we quickly placed the baby in the bed, i started suctioning the mouth and what i got was a mixture of blood and milk. From that moment i knew the patient was aspirated and we found out that the mother overslept with feeding the baby. upon hearing that, at the back of my head i want to slap the mother. i hate the fact that babies get neglected. they should be guarded 24/7, its their job. i took my composure as i suction the baby, then we started doing CPR. my resident intubated the baby while i venoclysed fast drip, but i knew it would be impossible for us to revive the kid. it was hopeless. we administered epinephrine 5x still it were getting a flat line. after 45 minutes of rigorous resuscitation the grandmother told us to stop. the patient came 5am, he died 6am. it felt like it was the first time i saw a baby die right in front of me. even in clerkship, i knew i was a "balahura" but deep inside of me cries the anger whenever someone dies especially babies. that's the reason i dont condsider pedia as my residency program. i just couldnt stand it.


later, i spent the entire from-duty status trying to catch some sleep. but i can't. i felt empty. i still feel depressed. i was lucky the whole duty was toxic i forgot that i was alone. i texted doc lea that i needed company. she called me up and asked me if i can come over to OM so as we can talk. and we did. it was a relief seeing her. she saw me fall in love, give everything, and she saw me sad. she told me things that made me feel more sad and comforted at the same time. she made me realized that while im hurting, im still fine. that while everything didnt came out the way i thought it would be, still there's a chance. chance for me to know myself more and chance to hope for something. a day after our untimely separation, nina dropped by unknowlingly at MCM, i also told her everything, she told me that i would be fine as well.


i miss my love... i know it would be premature to ask for us to be together again, but one of my friends told me to wait, that there are some problems that we should let heal by itself, and there are some that should be accepted. right now im just praying to God that whatever his plans would be, i shall not falter.


i still love you every minute of every second of every hour of everyday... im sorry for everything i have caused and things i cannot give...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

what i want for my birthday

thinking about it... i have more than 3 weeks till i have my 25th birthday, and realizing that i thought of things i want, needed or wish on that day...

1. car - this is impossible i know, but having a car of my own isnt that farfetched. my dad and i had a deal: if i pass the boards with one take...a brand new car, two take then a second hand, and a third take (hopefully not) a motorbike. but i like a car that would make me pogi. something that would make people look not only on me (egoistic) but on my wheelies. hehe

2. a surprise - im too lame for a surprise. you better think of something good to surprise me... hmmm... a call, a date, with him would be alright. hehe

3. clothes - i havent been buying clothes, i ran out of allowances coz ive been spending it on monthsaries and gifts. but its ok, i mean, im not an artista to not recycle clothes am i?

4. friends - i want to be with them... drink with them... be silly with them. i remember my 21st birthday where i had my party at home and about 30 people came all from my block. it was a riot and a big mess when we woke up. i miss that

5. pda - i want those dopods, or a lifedrive maybe, my tungsten has been behaving badly... i cant synchronize it! hate it

6. books - to get me off from thinking of too many stuffs. review books that i need to get started for my review. i saw a couple of NMS and high yield books a booksale all original... 350 though.. still expensive

7. work-out/gym - i better get fit since im getting to that age where my metabolism is slowly getting to where it would be stagnant. maybe i get to be noticed by him if i gain more weight. (here i go again... sorry ara)

8. condo/apartment/a place of my own - perhaps maybe he could come home with me

9. mountain climb/do tennis/engage in boxing - to have a healthy mind i guess

10. love - perhaps the best gift i could ever recieve that day

pressuring rain

its stormy outside my windows. i didn't went to work afraid that i might just get stranded. and now im just home listening to the howls of the rain on my roof and feeling the loneliness it somehow brings. when will it ever stop?


last friday i met up with my friends from med school, had dinner with them and catched up on things we missed. my friend ara told me from time to time to give myself some extra priority. she's right. looking back, when i had dinner, i knew i miss so much of my life. that ive been giving it to someone and im left with nothing. i guess that's the only way i know how to love and maybe it was righ, bu yet again, i know it isnt. im deluding myself with the idea that im fine and that everything will be ok. but as time goes by, its becoming worse. how long can two people hurt each other? him not communicating, me nagging and pleading, us giving each other hard times. i realize that i really am pressuring people up. im selfish to think of my own happiness with someone, when in fact i can find happiness within myself... but it isnt the same...


a friend once said that the only thing that people lacks is that we don't know how to give people chances... and now im still holding on to that chance that everything will be ok... that everything will go back to the way it was... that i will be again be loved like it was the first time... i would still be waiting.


___________

Nina introduced me to this song:


[Rihanna]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)


[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)


[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh[

Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so


[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
[Ne-Yo:]Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate that I love you so.. so...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Makulay ang buhay... sa KABILANG BUHAY!

glenda, one of my co-intern, was humming makulay ang buhay sa sinabawang gulay... bu instead she put it... makulay ang buhay sa kabilang buhay. i burst out laughing. until now it sticks in my head. damn jingle! haha!

im tired... really really tired

im tired of life. im tired of my internship, im tired of worrying about stuffs like myself. im afraid im not happy as i thought i would be. they say in work, one of the reasons why people quit their job is when they finally realized that theyre not happy anymore. as for me, being in a benign hospital, i thought i could have time for everything. well yes, i do have time, but sometimes those plenty of time i cant manage. i have lots of it, but i cant spend it. often i think i should have gone back to OM where everything is fast paced, where i wouldnt mind time and day, and dates. where i wouldnt feel lonely doing my duty. im tired feeling lonely. at the end of the day i would dream i was working in an office, walking the streets of makati, earning quite a sum of money for something i wouldnt consider as work. maybe just maybe, had i been working and earning now, i would have been more loved. proximity wise i would have more time to spend with you. it kills me when i think of all these things,

im not stable... im full of anxiety and i need to be comforted...

Sunday, July 08, 2007

batch consciousness : tsismis

early lunch today, i attended the christening of the cute son of our barkada. it was a sort of mini reunion for our barkada, from tito tim to karen, those people we hardly get to have time to meet. the reception was at kamayan's buffet. the food was delicious as i lavishingly ate the inihaw na liempo and greedingly munched on the lechon skin. at 2:30 i got my car from the valet and hurried home to take a shower (coz i attended the party with my from duty attire), then went directly at MOA to get my phone fixed.

i was to pick the phone after an hour at Nokia's service center, i decided to spend that hour at dream coffee and watch people go by as i devour smoke from my cigarrette. as boredom engulfs me, i come to think of a lot of things. Maybe our batch HAS its consciousness. i mean, we thrive from tsismis like sino nabuntis ni ganto, or sino nakipaghiwalay, or sino lumipat ng ibang hospital or sino nagpalaglag.. everytime we meet up its either we relive the memories of the past or we dwell on the present through tsismis. in fact one tsismis is yet to be true coz more investigations from ara and pam are on its way. hehehe.

waiting has always been my expertise. it doesnt mean i have patience, but its more of like curiosity of whats gonna happen next. so as i sat and watch people go by i can't help but feel alone. well, literary i was then, but seriously, it bothers me that im just still. that i feel trapped in my own box, haunted by my own fear. its a feeling like you want to say something but someone says to wait. wait for that time that maybe hope has things in store for me. stupid as it might sound but i like to get to hope at things that to some people are hopeless. in my life, i have learned the value of hope. that changes are what people are good of, and that change will determine how we accept things that come along our way. its a measure of our decisive strength and our willingness to be happy in the end.

does hoping for a perfect relationship farfetch? how long should you wait for love to actually take the good side of change? does love have to really change afterall?

im so missing you

Thursday, July 05, 2007

people are life's consolation

i started my internship at MCM with my close friends, batchmates, and soulmates, we were roughly around 20 PLM-OM graduates, the most number who entered in one training hospital . Two weeks at the beginning of the training, one left for a call she got at PGH. Ok, it wasn't a big of a deal, since we barely spent too much time together. after a month, another one of us got a call from PGH, and that other one has been my classmate since 1st year med. it was really hard for all of us who was left to actually admit the fact that she's gone. Just like that. in fairness to her, i knew she had a hard time deciding on that matter and hopefully (as i believe it is) a choice she thought of over and over again. Now after two months, one rotation has ended, here comes another call from PGH. this time they made a call to someone i regard of as "Kababata", since we practically saw each other grow up in med school. it was quick, stabbering and big disappointment for all of us. the idea that no one in our batch are quitters made everything just as hurtful. maybe he was right, he didnt quit he just moved on. and that was the time that i realized and we all realized that while we saw each other grow up, graduate and put MD's on our name, still the truth of the matter is in medicine, friends and companions are just but bonuses in our career, that we all have to stand on our own practice, that meaningful memories of the past will only be stories that are fun to be recalled but can never be again repeated. sad.

what's with PGH? What's with UP? why the hell do they call up people whom they have turned down initially just to fill up the slots of those they have accepted and quit eventually? i hate PGH for their misdiagnosis of patients and now im hating them for pirating!

i don't know why it was that hurtful, or why it has been that hard to admit. was it because i thought of the utopic idea that we'd all train together and practice together just like we were inside the four walls of our classroom? or was it because im too scared to be left alone? am i being too idealistic? selfish maybe? why is it not bothersome to me that the rest of my batchmates chose different hospitals but i react this way with people leaving now? am i too immature to handle life's reality?

medicine is our life, and it is my life. and just like life itself, i've been left by people, unconsciously and consciously. whether subtle or succinct. being left by people in my past has and always put a scar in my heart. that it makes me hang on to people i have in the present more than i would have done had they been in my past. it scares me being too obssesive. it frightens me that the only way i know to build myself up was to bring people close to me more closer that i forget my own identity. i will not know when my strength will ever become tangible. im in that phase in my life that i have to dicate the turn of my destiny, and still i barely have any idea how it will work.

sometimes i think the reason why people leave me or forget me is because they know i wouldnt with them. that they are too confident that i don't have the guts to actually do what they did. and yes, im that kind of person. always there, always present. one wish, one favor and i succumb. maybe im using it to my disadvantage or im letting people take the advantage.

with people leaving, people forgetting, people not remembering, i should by now get used to. its a matter of keeping in tune with reality. it hurts when people you love doesnt remember you when they are all too busy with life. it pains me to realize that im not part of their life afterall.

i just wish that someday, as we all grow old together the batch consciousness that we have come to protect all these years will still be the legacy we will pass on to those eager PLM-OM graduates.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

panoramic views



--->> Upper picture: the view from MCM's penthouse. The busy Manila hurries itself as night fall slowly creeps through its streets
Lower picture: the scenic view from OM's rooftop. Magnificent display of colors of Manila Bay that always captivates me. a sounding memory of a clerkship.
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Thursday, April 26, 2007

ikaw lamang

Di ko maintindihan
Ang nilalaman ng puso
Tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay
Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama
Hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka
Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man
Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

Ayoko ng maulit pa
Ang nakaraang ayokong maalala
Bawat oras na wala ka
Parang mabigat na parusa
Huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag-iba
Hindi ako tumigil magmahal sayo sinta

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta
Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man
Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

going along with the summer badwagon

yesterday me and my family went to bataan for a summer getaway. the 5 hour drive could have been more worth while if we spent it in san juan batangas where the beaches are more enticing. the beach we went to was fair enough though. i liked the scenery, in fact i spent more time taking pictures than swim. the water was clean and free of corals and weeds, it wasnt too salty and perfect for just floating around. i love to float in sea water, the sun with its heat kissing your cheeks, the sound of water on your sides, the feeling of just letting go, not thinking of stuffs, made the entire trip more relaxing. my nephew ygo just cant get enough of the water. beach na favorite nya ngayon and di na swimming pool. hehe. we made sand castles but ygo just ruined it kaya di ko napicturan. i thought we would stay over night but sadly my sisters has work to do so we hit the roads at 5pm. i enjoyed sleeping in the car, coz they wouldnt let me drive the hiways. hehe.

just a quick note: i failed to get tan (yet again!)... all the sun did was to scorch my back... ahhhh it burns it burns!


here's some nice pictures i took:







Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i was reading posts over at friendster and chance upon this

IN LOVE ka ba or LOVE mo sya?

kala kodati pareho lang pero iba pala!!alin nga ba ang mas malalim?
Loving someone or Being in love with someone?
Kapag love mo ang isang tao masaya ka.. Feeling mo ok na ang lahat...pero ang ma-inlove ka, ang siyang pinakamasakit sa lahat! Kasi ang mgataong in love ay ang mga taong nagsasakripisyo at nagpaparaya.

Teka bakit ka nga ba ngpaparaya? Dahil ba hindi ka niya mahal o dahil hindi ka siguradong ok lang sa kanya? Kungyan ang dahilan mo, walang duda na inlove ka nga sa kanya. Kasi iniisip mo kung anong meron kayo sa ngayon ang tanging mahalaga at kontento ka na. Pero isipin mo paano kung mawala angtaong yon at talagang hindi na kayomag-usap at magkita, kaya mo ba?

Paano naman kung sa yo siya in love at ibinigay niya ang lahat para sayo pero hindi mo napahalagahan ang lahat ng ito kaagad? Paano kung isang araw naguluhan na siya sayo ng husto at maisipang lumayo na lang? Paano kung sa sobrang pagiging iba mo sa kanya di ka na niya kausapin at tuldukan na niya ng tuluyan kung ano na ang meron kayo? Then bigla mong mare-realize kung gaano ka-importante sayo ang bawat isa kaya lang wala na siya! Kaya mo ba?Kung hindi ang sagot mo, malinaw na inlove ka nga...

Paano naman pag mahal mo lang? Kapag mahal mo lang, alam mo na palagi kangmay choice. Ayaw mo siyang mawala dahil alam mong wala kang ipapalit.Yung masaya ka sa kanya pero hindi naman siya ang talagang iniisip mo. Mahal mo siya pero aminado ka sasarili mo na balang araw hindi siyaang makakasama mo. Mahal mo siya pero ang puso mo hindi lang para sa kanya..Mahal mo at masasaktan ka pagnawala siya pero alam mo na kaya mo yon.

Ngayon anong nararamdaman mo? DO YOULOVE SOMEONE or YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE?Isang araw magigising ka na lang na INLOVE ka na nga pero kahit anong gawin mo ay huli na. Dahil maaaring yung taong IN LOVE din sayo ay wala napala. Tandaan mo: Masyadong mapaglaro ang puso huwag tayo magpaloko!!!We learn to love someone pero minsan lang dumating sa atin ang pagkakataongma-in love!!! Kaya kapag dumating ito,ano ang gagawin mo?

"I may never be the guy you lookforward to seeing every day,but I will always be the guy who will look out for you each and every day.."

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just a thought, kung sino man ang nagrationalize ng above mention, e im sure baliw na sya. hehehe.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sundo

today i accompanied my sis and my cousin over at OM to doc lea (ENT) regarding my sister's recurrent sinusitis and my cousin's impacted cerumen. ganun din ako din nag history and nag flush ng tenga ng sis ko. and si doc lea naman, super pabida sa sis ko, endorsing me as one of the best junior interns she has handled. palakpak tenga naman ako. hehe. i wish i had taken a picture of how gross the cerumen i got from my cousin, para syang pupu ng daga. to tell you the truth, i love flushing ears kse, its the same feeling i have pag nagpapaanak ako ng nanay. ibang klase ung excitement kse like when you deliver a baby you'll never know how it would look like until it comes out of the mother's vagina, ung cerumen (luga) exciting din kse you'll never know gano sya kalaki unless lumabas na. nakakatuwa pa dun, e mas naeexcite ako pag pinapakita ko pa sa patiente how big ung luga nila tapus they themselves would be grossed out. hahaha.

sa car i kept on playing "sundo" by imago... i just felt that it was my sister's break-up song... she was on the passenger's seat and i hope she didnt notice im playing it for her. actually, its also my fav song, its that one song that makes me feel like im in a music video while driving. the tune, the guitar everything in that song just makes my driving smooth (parang whiskey) hehe.


actually the reason why i blogged was that i can't sleep.. and my blog seems to be the only way i could be heard, para syang yosi na madaling mahagilap, parang sex na nakakaadict but unlike sex ang blog laging nandyan, para syang kaibigan na lagi kang pakikinggan, sasamahan sa mga hinagpos ng mga damdamin mo, para syang drugs nakakahigh, and para syang psychiatrist, nakakatheraphy. hehehe sorry drama ko. im being nonesense here. wala talaga ako magawa, i kept on re-reading my blogs and parang ganun nga ung purpose ko ng blogs ko, pag walang makausap, pag malungkot, pag masaya. siguro kung may stalkers man ako, kilang kilala na nila ako kse halos lahat ata nasabi ko na dito sa blog na to. imagine since 2004 ive been blogging? tagal na but whenever i read them, i seems like its just in my recent memory.


here's the song "sundo" by imago


Kay tagal kong sinusuyod ang buong mundo

Para hanapin, para hanapin ka

Nilibot ang distrito ng iyong lumbay

Pupulutin, pupulutin ka


Sinusundo kita, sinusundo


Asahan mo

Mula ngayon pag-ibig ko'y sa'yo


Sa akin mo isabit ang pangarap mo

Di kukulangin ang ibibigay

Limutin ang kaba tuluyan kang bumitaw

Kaya manalig, manalig ka

Sinusundo kita, sinusundo


Asahan mo

Mula ngayon pag-ibig ko'y sa'yo...


inaasam ang sandali, nilibot ang buong mundo maghihintay sayong sundo


Asahan mo

Mula ngayon pag-ibig ko'y sa'yo



----> astig di ba? :)

desktop ko... very summer... haaay... kailangan kaya ako makakapunta sa ganyang beach? sana dalhin ako ng mga med reps ko dyan in the future. hehehe

Thursday, April 12, 2007

wag kang bibitiw




last tuesday me, nina and my bf went to 70's bistro to watch sugarfree and spongecola perform live.
Nina: "di pala sya gwapo (yael)... madidisappoint pinsan ko"
Me: "oo nga para syang construction worker" hehehehe.
Nevertheless, starstruck si nina (well cge ako na rin) kaya nagpapicture kme. syempre di ko pinalagpas magpapicture kay pareng ebe na super fanatic ako ng banda (banda lang). anyway, si ebe mukhang natatae dito sa pic na to (ganyan ba talaga dapat ngumiti) hehe. like what he said "have a good one" Hmmm.... what a good one?
Thanks sa asawa ko kse sya kumuha ng pic na yan (malabo nga lang... hehehe). and basta promise ko mahal, di ako bibitiw basta hahayaan mo ko kumapit sayo. Mahal na mahal kita!
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