i started my internship at MCM with my close friends, batchmates, and soulmates, we were roughly around 20 PLM-OM graduates, the most number who entered in one training hospital . Two weeks at the beginning of the training, one left for a call she got at PGH. Ok, it wasn't a big of a deal, since we barely spent too much time together. after a month, another one of us got a call from PGH, and that other one has been my classmate since 1st year med. it was really hard for all of us who was left to actually admit the fact that she's gone. Just like that. in fairness to her, i knew she had a hard time deciding on that matter and hopefully (as i believe it is) a choice she thought of over and over again. Now after two months, one rotation has ended, here comes another call from PGH. this time they made a call to someone i regard of as "Kababata", since we practically saw each other grow up in med school. it was quick, stabbering and big disappointment for all of us. the idea that no one in our batch are quitters made everything just as hurtful. maybe he was right, he didnt quit he just moved on. and that was the time that i realized and we all realized that while we saw each other grow up, graduate and put MD's on our name, still the truth of the matter is in medicine, friends and companions are just but bonuses in our career, that we all have to stand on our own practice, that meaningful memories of the past will only be stories that are fun to be recalled but can never be again repeated. sad.
what's with PGH? What's with UP? why the hell do they call up people whom they have turned down initially just to fill up the slots of those they have accepted and quit eventually? i hate PGH for their misdiagnosis of patients and now im hating them for pirating!
i don't know why it was that hurtful, or why it has been that hard to admit. was it because i thought of the utopic idea that we'd all train together and practice together just like we were inside the four walls of our classroom? or was it because im too scared to be left alone? am i being too idealistic? selfish maybe? why is it not bothersome to me that the rest of my batchmates chose different hospitals but i react this way with people leaving now? am i too immature to handle life's reality?
medicine is our life, and it is my life. and just like life itself, i've been left by people, unconsciously and consciously. whether subtle or succinct. being left by people in my past has and always put a scar in my heart. that it makes me hang on to people i have in the present more than i would have done had they been in my past. it scares me being too obssesive. it frightens me that the only way i know to build myself up was to bring people close to me more closer that i forget my own identity. i will not know when my strength will ever become tangible. im in that phase in my life that i have to dicate the turn of my destiny, and still i barely have any idea how it will work.
sometimes i think the reason why people leave me or forget me is because they know i wouldnt with them. that they are too confident that i don't have the guts to actually do what they did. and yes, im that kind of person. always there, always present. one wish, one favor and i succumb. maybe im using it to my disadvantage or im letting people take the advantage.
with people leaving, people forgetting, people not remembering, i should by now get used to. its a matter of keeping in tune with reality. it hurts when people you love doesnt remember you when they are all too busy with life. it pains me to realize that im not part of their life afterall.
i just wish that someday, as we all grow old together the batch consciousness that we have come to protect all these years will still be the legacy we will pass on to those eager PLM-OM graduates.
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