be M.D./

Here's a preview of the intern's poster that im busy doing (Keeping me out of feeling jaded). It's a copy of the "be bench/" poster. It's not the usual poster you'd see in the hospital where each department would show their roster of residents, ours is in a way very ambitious. hehe. i want a poster that would make everyone think that doctors can be pretty and cute beyond their toxic duties. i have shown this to our president and co-interns and they were all raving about it. i just hope that the hospital director will allow us to post this in the hospital. hehe. by the way, i took all the pictures except for mine (kandi did), my frustrations as a photographer was yet again revived. hehe.

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i had a toxic duty last night, i had roughly 15 ER consults, 2 admissions and 1 DOA (dead on arrival). the last was the most exhausting. the grandmother (together with the parents) arrived at the ER carrying their 3 week old infant, the nose was covered in blood and the baby was cyanotic. as i saw it i knew the baby has been dead for almost an hour. we quickly placed the baby in the bed, i started suctioning the mouth and what i got was a mixture of blood and milk. From that moment i knew the patient was aspirated and we found out that the mother overslept with feeding the baby. upon hearing that, at the back of my head i want to slap the mother. i hate the fact that babies get neglected. they should be guarded 24/7, its their job. i took my composure as i suction the baby, then we started doing CPR. my resident intubated the baby while i venoclysed fast drip, but i knew it would be impossible for us to revive the kid. it was hopeless. we administered epinephrine 5x still it were getting a flat line. after 45 minutes of rigorous resuscitation the grandmother told us to stop. the patient came 5am, he died 6am. it felt like it was the first time i saw a baby die right in front of me. even in clerkship, i knew i was a "balahura" but deep inside of me cries the anger whenever someone dies especially babies. that's the reason i dont condsider pedia as my residency program. i just couldnt stand it.

later, i spent the entire from-duty status trying to catch some sleep. but i can't. i felt empty. i still feel depressed. i was lucky the whole duty was toxic i forgot that i was alone. i texted doc lea that i needed company. she called me up and asked me if i can come over to OM so as we can talk. and we did. it was a relief seeing her. she saw me fall in love, give everything, and she saw me sad. she told me things that made me feel more sad and comforted at the same time. she made me realized that while im hurting, im still fine. that while everything didnt came out the way i thought it would be, still there's a chance. chance for me to know myself more and chance to hope for something. a day after our untimely separation, nina dropped by unknowlingly at MCM, i also told her everything, she told me that i would be fine as well.

i miss my love... i know it would be premature to ask for us to be together again, but one of my friends told me to wait, that there are some problems that we should let heal by itself, and there are some that should be accepted. right now im just praying to God that whatever his plans would be, i shall not falter.

i still love you every minute of every second of every hour of everyday... im sorry for everything i have caused and things i cannot give...