will i ever grow up?

the barkada came to the house last night for a general assembly...meaning a drinking spree.  of course I, a sucker for san mig light, got myself tipsy.  but i handled it very good.  i mean, no strip teasing, no foul words, no stupid ideas and most of all no talking about ex's.  anyhow, it wasnt really the drinking that brought us together. the reason was life...LIFE!

its so amazing how time has changed.  i think we have come to pass that certain event in  our lives where drinking sprees are just about having to talk about shit and have a good time.  now, drinking sprees has evolved into an outlet to confide.  a forum (though not a proper one) where you could tell everything about yourself and have people to listen to you and be sincere. 

a friend of mine got her girl pregnant.  that friend of mine was really having trouble about what will happen, thats why he called for a GA.  and we just kept telling him THAT IT IS NOT A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.  its something that he should be happy about. at least for him.  his parents may label it as a problem but thats beyond his control.  i still beleive he did nothing wrong.  bringing life to this world is something we are entitled to. and just by doing that he made me feel proud. 

its just so wierd that we are now talking about pregnancy, leaving, getting a life, and yet still i havent experienced anything close to that matter. 

yesterday, margx accompanied me for a cig break from our tormenting prof:

'enriq, grabe no, iba na talga tayo.  tumatanda na tayo. tignan mo nangyayari sa barkada.''oo nga, tapos tayo bat ganun andun pa rin tayo sa state na the biggest problem that we have is not having a boyfriend'

and we just laughed. 

it all makes sense...margx and i are getting older, but we are not moving anywhere.  its just so sad that we are stuck to that predicament of being alone, lonely, and being used. 
and its realy very tiring to think. 

margx and i are just so meant to be...proof of the matter is we share a common question that neither of us has the answer...

'WHEN WILL WE EVER GET TO GROW UP?'

ang cute nila...cute and dead! we used them for out pharmacology class where we tested the lethal dose of a drug that is leidocane. poor little stuarts

wawa naman sila!

rat funeral!

dead mice!

things that i should have done before that i should be doing by now

1. cover my books up with plastic; 2. study in advance; 3. eat more; 4. smoke less; 5. watch more movies; 6. dont expect for a text from someone esp when you know he wouldnt really be texting afterall; 7. stop listening to sad songs; 8. start dating (wag na cgro walang time); 9. buy things for myself (eg clothes and stuff); 10. avoid starbucks and anything to do with coffee; 11. avoid west ice or dj mix; 12. avoid a special trip on a trike to save money; 13. dont cut class; 14. listen to class; 15. extend patience; 16. stop viewing ex's blog site (it doesnt help at all); 17. smile (eventhough its hard); 18. avoid samplexs (at least those outside my org); 19. call other friends when lonely (keep in mind you have other friends too); 20. attend council meetings (stop making alibis) and 21. put council money in the bank! (before i spend it)
 
anyhow, i was browsing friendster a while ago and i found my teacher in highschool at a friend's list.  i just laughed my head out.  hes one of my fav before kse fav din nya ako.  hehehe.  kahit ano gawin ko ok lang sa kanya.  i added him anyway.
 
ill go back studying...its 1 am na

badtrip

i cut my surgery class today.  margx and i didnt finish the lecture and went home with the hope that  we could study for tom's exam.  and what the hell...im here blogging my ass off from my habitual procrastination.  all i did basically since i arrived home at around 3 was to take a shower, check mails, smoke, eat my fav banana bread, and smoke some more.  damn...im really getting tired of procrastinating...i should think of something else, a word to describe my laziness. 
 
i was reading my previous posts here. i have this fondness of reading my entire blog from the first entry.  and it left my a touch of sadness.  i realized that 85% of my entries are about broken heartedness, love and the lack of it, sadness, feeling of unworthiness, depression, and loneliness.  and i have come to doubt myself if i ever be more than those entries?  and that if my entries really reflect what im feeling or am i just pushing myself too hard.  a martyr syndrome i guess.
 
i dont know but 85% of the reason why i blog is whenever i feel sad and lonely.  i guess its an illogical effect if you're the type of person who has no one to talk to with your problems and whats going on inside.  that if ever there are people who could actually hear me would just tell me to forget it and be over with it.  until now, im still being labelled my my friend margx as having the 'enz disease'.  i hate it. 
 
i cant blame her.  i dont open to her that much now.  im afraid to open to her THAT much.  i mean we share a lot of things that somehow i realize that there are a LOT of things that should be left for me.  at least some of it.  she knows when im sad, she sees it in my eyes and my movements.  actually now its becoming worse, its not only her that can see through me, even my classmates can. 
 
one time FCM class, i was alone at the back, paula asked me...'enriq bat malungkot ka?' 
for a seconf there i was speechless...i dont know if i would lie or tell the truth.  damn. i was caught off guard.  and i just said...'ako? malungkot? hinde naman'  and that said it all...MALUNGKOT NGA AKO! bummer!
 
sobrang lungkot ko i again visited my ex's xanga site...
 
bat ganto ba ang buhay? konting pagkakataon na masaya...babawiin pa ng kay tagal! 

love at phone chat

a special friend asked me if its possible to fall in love for someone you havent met yet.  i said it isnt a remote idea.  it happened to me.  but as i was lying in my bed waiting for sleep to take over, i thought if it did happened to me or am i just deluding myself. the past two relationships in my life was a product of love at phone chat.  i told that friend of mine that physical attributes usually becomes a secondary effect once you get to know the person inside.  it is a frightening thought of what if's and uncertainty.  i still believe that attitude plays an important aspect of liking someone.  its a cliche sort of an idea but i have had met people who's looks could kill but their minds could kill as well...literally.  its a sad reality that there are shallow people.  that there are people without 'intel indside'. 

im afraid to love because of this idea.  i have always been afraid that people would always look for something else than my mind could offer.  im afraid that i could only offer less.  and that if i could make something out of that 'less'.  im not a perfect person.  compensating for that imperfection is what do best.  but somehow, compensating is not enough to make it all happen.  no matter what, people will and always will, have expectations from you.  and the worst of it all is that will that expectation be ever met?

im actually doubting myself if i do really know how to love.  if ever i have learned from my past.  my history doesnt give that much of an insight of what to do. a song is kept playing inside of my head last night...much to my chagrin it was FOOLISH HEART.  ive never been so much in related to that song until recently.  when words like 'im so tired of being alone but will my lonely heart play the part of a fool again' and the chorus would simply put me in a state of disillutionment.  what if im being caught off guard again?  what if after all my heart feels is the idea that i have been fooled again?  that after all this time im decieving myself thinking this could be the one...that it is TRUE? 

uncertainties never fail to bother me.  uncertainties would always leave me lost for words.  i could talk too much and be silent after.  silence is my cue for doubting.  i hate it when i go quiet over a period of my blabbing.  i cant help it.  its how i am.  and i hate it coz people notices it.  i cant argue with myself with it or we'd have the entire lifetime fighting with each other without anyone ever winning over the other. 

what is it that signals that you love someone?  it wouldnt be as simple as when you miss someone, have fun with someone, nor being romantic with someone. 

i think im in love when im afraid to tell that i DO love that someone...

bigger than my problem

a power blackout woke me up this morning. had it been to the sweat running down my forhead and neck i wudnt have awaken. anyhow...the very first feeling i had that morning was frustration. i hate myself of everything that i am. im disappointed of everything in my life. i thought i have learned my lessons. but it seemed to me that im just going in circles. ive always thought that i was just standing still, when in fact i am going nowhere. it bothers me that i havent moved a lot.

this afternoon, i made a phone call to my friend jun. we catched up on things going on with our lives. and i cant help but confide to him about my worries. he told me things that i have already known but failed to notice. i asked him, why is that he could talk to me and give me advice about my life eventhough he's straight and barely know the culture that i am in. he told me,

'im frustrated when it comes with love, the idea that it happens to other people gives me something to look forward to for myself. love may not happen to me, but at least it does to other people. and that assures me it will too with mine.'

i too am frustrated. the only difference between me and him is that he makes an effort to know that love still works. unlike him, i bottle up my sadness, thinking that i can make it on my own. i have always had problems expressing myself. i dont talk to numerous people asking for advice. i may confide to one or two and thats it. i have always thought im strong. i even have problems crying coz i dont know how to cry coz i dont know WHEN crying is appropriate. i rationalize things too easily.

he told me to take it easy...

he told me im bigger than my problem...

often times i dont know where to stand. i dont know how to act. no matter how thick my force field is, people seems to know how to get in. am i that too shallow?

im afraid of thinking what will happen next with my life. i should know how to revolve around the world. its not always that i have my own universe. its not always about me. me wouldnt even count.

im terrified...

sacred...

empty...

me and my ygo! he cant be still! he's fond of munching on a chicken. hehehe.i love him!

halatang walang tulog! hahahaha! bangag! sabog! pangit! ulol! gago! hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

the week that was

whew! another hell week has passed. i will try to account everything that has happened...so bear with me...hehehe

mon: ob was fine, had quiz, aced it...pedia was not, had quiz, flunked it
tues: patho, had quiz, aced it...surgery, i cut classes. went home. tried getting some sleep, but suddenly while lying on my parent's bed, a sudden burst of depression sinked in. i got depressed with the idea that i couldn't get wat i wanted. that there is a sense of fear of 'what if's'. actually the whole idea of being played frightens me. bummer
wed: had exam on micro, got pissed off with a few people, pissed off with the exam questions, and pissed that i am pissed. shit! after that, went on to pharma class, had 2 quiz, flunked it. had fcm in the afternoon, had quiz...aced it.
thurs: i can still remember thursday! haaayy! i was just so happy that day. everything just seem to be going in my way. i was so happy that once again i was smiling out of nowhere. like a wierdo! good thing the room was all dark and we were watching OUTBREAK for our film showing. sigh! good things! how i wish every day is like thursday!

i was so happy that day, that i agreed to meet my friend's bf. and just as with any other bf that my friends have acquired...there is the inevitable enriq's questionaire...hehehe, the reason for that is that i wanted to know their lovers. i value my friends. i wanted to make sure that they would be taken care off. that any other intentions (eg. getting laid, pregnancy, marriage) is but of no means taken care off by me! i dont want my friends getting married and much more getting pregnant! as much as i wanted to be their daughter's or son's godfather, now is not the right time. i may be selfish! i am selfish! I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GOING AWAY, I DONT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT! immature i know...but its just for now...im still afraid of not knowing where to go and what to do...it gets lonely most of the times

im glad my friends trust me with their life...i feel honored...naks

fri: had my medicine class. i was forced to provide an extemporaneous speech regarding the med fund, of which i really dont want to comment. BEING A COUNCIL DOESNT GUARANTEE THAT I CARE! but what the hell, i said silly stuffs and made them believe i mean it with conviction. hehehehe. then the lecture went after. and for no apparent reason, i was kept being called by my prof. she's fond of me. and im proud i know things she askd of me. 'very good doc papa' as she wud in a couple of times commented. 'doc papa' i liked it! hehehe. doc na...papa pa! naks! kapal ko! joke lang!

in the afternoon, we had a practical on finger prick. which for the second time around was our opportunity to hurt someone else and get a grade for it. one of those moments that no matter how deep the prick is, how painful it is, and how much bleeding it does, you could get away with a smile. 10 points for you doc papa! hehehe.



its a nice feeling to smile again...

to know someone is making it happen....

whew!

BLOOPERS

the week has been interesting.

micro/para class:
we were having lectures about disinfection and stuff. i was in the middle of the aisle at the back in short kitang kita ako. i was attentively listening. when my classmate began doing shitty things on the transcriber's recorder. whevnever the transcriber is not looking he would record his own voice and would say funny things. i was laughing discreetly along with my other two seatmates. we were not noticed until my other seatmate just blurted 21% loudly in the middle of the lecture. and we burst out laughing (people at the back). good thing coz the timing was with the class chorus. so again we were not noticed. so it was back again to listening. when suddenly that friend kept on singing 21% discreetly. and i just couldnt help it but bow down on my desk and as if i was writing. then i was jolted when my prof called me out.

'you! yes you! do you mind telling me wats funny. you seem to be very happy! class dont you want to hear wats funny?'

boom! my life passed before me as if i died.

'ma'm, uhmm, it was nothing really. he (pointed out on my friend) was just saying something about the oxygen percent'

'ok then, wat are you saying' referring to my classmate

my friend just stumbled and smiled.

and it was back to the lecture. she didnt got mad. well irritated, but as the lecture went on she was fine she even called me to recite and she was happy i was able to answer. it turned out good though.

medicine class:
last week we had our patient, and yesterday was the presentation. our group was called first and survived it. then here comes group 1. i'd like to interpret one family history of one of its members:

'father died of heart disease and mother of tuberculosis blah blah blah' -this could mean the mother also died of tuberculosis or better yet, it was like as hippocrates is the father of medicine...that one is the mother of tuberculosis.

'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived...'
- y? wat happened? lumubog ba sila sa bangka? nasunog ba sila nag sabay sabay?
-of 11 children, meaning di magkamag-anak un pateinte. nsa barko ata sila nun.
-sabi nun isang classmate ko...baka naman namtatay sila nun pinanganak? sabi ko...ano un sabay sabay sila niluwal ng nanay nila tapos namatay?

'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived died of labor'
-what? nabuhay sya tapos biglang namatay? gosh!
-survived died? howcome?
- sad talaga!

its really funny. i dont mean to ridicule that person but id just like to have a moment to say that postgrad ka na dapat un construction ng statemates is clear. remember doctor ka na! hehehehe. anyway, walang pikunan! sana di mo to mabasa!

anyway, after classes we watched spiderman 2, and the most interesting part was that when Dr. Oct took out two people out of the train and threw it to spidey. kawawa naman sila para silang bola na basta-basta na lang tinapon! hehehehe

but it was a nice film...glad i watched it.

detoxification!