not so good friday

i dont know how to start this. i have never talked about my family in my blog. but this really bothers me.

while driving this afternoon (my first time to actually drive OUR car), some stupid van cut me off my lane and my mom just went bizerk about it. i jolted and napamura ako. it seemed now that minura ko mom ko. it was terrible. i didnt mean it. i was meaning it to the driver of the van. my evil sister got furiously mad. all along my driving she was mumbling stuffs, that got me heated up. the deal is, why would i cuss on my own mother? am i mad? i exactly know what to do during that time but its just...just i dont know, my mind went blanked. as my feet terrible for the breaks so is my choice for words. i apologized to my mom through text explaining what happened. but for me that just aint good enough to redeem me. it frustrates me that my sister has to go through the whole afternoon as if i really mean it, and that i was so rude and disrespectful. ok, i may have become what she thought i was back then but i didnt mean it. she has always been like that, an expert on fault finding and an instigator of madness. damn...hate is a very rough word to use but i'll use it otherwise. i hate her. forgive me, but for a second there i really wanted to strangle her. but there i was, trying to regain the littlest shame i got, and there she goes again! i have to, i have to, i have to.

also while driving i found out that they let my brother-in-law drive the car before from our house up to the village gate. i asked mom if it was true and she confirmed. and that was it! i cant believe they did that. i dont suppose that that stupid 'bayaw' of mine got a liscence. for crying out loud at his age he hasnt even finished school. he got to screw my sister up before he could go and screw some diploma for himself. anu yon? daig pa nya nagmemed nun. it pains me that its my sister who's working for them. i hate the fact that he's living with us, spending the electricity up until 3am playing computer games and if not watching tv without parttaking the bills. i couldn't blame him for again, how can he? honestly, everytime i see him around the house and seeing his stupid face roaming and smiling i swear if i was a criminal i could have been convicted again. maybe it wasnt about them letting him drive the car, it was about them not letting me to.

i thought having a car would mean some good way of being close to my dad. i thought cars, dads and sons are clicks. i guess i was wrong. i expected that my dad would teach me how to drive (at least a little of it), i expected he'd teach me the car's engine and how it works, i expected he'd ask me for a sunday off to bring the car and jog along baywalk, i expected so many things from my dad. i hate it when my parents would ask me if tim could accompany me drive around the village, if tim could teach me how to park, if tim could... tim is my friend and he's not my father. truthfully, tim has been my father and bestfriend. all things that i never got to learn from my father i learned it from him. how the engines work, how things are with motorbikes. but like my biological father, tim isnt there all the time. he has his own family and god knows what crumble is baking inside his home. i respect that.

it boils down to the fact that i have to learn things on my own. but when its time for me to learn things on my own i get shut off. telling me that i dont know how to. "di mo pa alam...tsaka na pagmagaling ka na". but when? but how? i hate this. this is the reason why i did drugs, why i talk more with my barkada than me sharing stories during dinner time, this is the reason why all i do at home is sleep, this is the reason why i dont have confidence in me, this is the reason why im gay, this is the reason why i get angry at so little things. i do not wish to be so trivial about all this but i just cant help it. i cant contact my friends, i cant contact tim to tell him all about this.

i know that i should be telling this to my parents, my family, but its hard. its hard to be open to people who have seen you as someone who doesnt care about anything. its hard to be taken seriously when they think you're not. it was my fault i never took my rights towards them. but they didnt gave me a chance. the minute i say something, they tell me i dont know anything. my tito and titas are not in speaking terms and i dont even know about it. i hate being nobody. maybe because i let them treat me as nobody.

i dont know what to do. i honestly dont know what to do.

if there's one thing that my family trusts me about without questions is how accademically proficient i am, how im so good at school, so good that ill become a doctor. that, i dont even know.

im sorry i just have to vent out, i love my family so much, i care for them so much, but we're not a perfect family, im not a perfect son. we all make mistakes. we just have to deal with it..and somehow come out of it...ALIVE!