its 1am and i must be lonely

"well yeah, she said
baby, its 3am and i must be lonely. and i just cant help but be scared of it all
sometimes..." from matchbox 20, my theme song for tonight or this morning, only that its 1am.

we all have those nights where we twist and turn in our bed, trying to get good position for sleep but when in fact we just cant, couldnt sleep at all. in my case it was the latter. something's bothering me. i could exactly blame my failing grades in a couple of subjects i have, but there is something more. something i just cant quite figure out. i feel lonely (but not depressed).

i am agitated about my future; more of like scared. uncertainty creeps up my vasculars even more than before. i used to have these nights, but unlike any other nights, prayers and sleep isnt just woking. i hate these nights. it usually comes up to me during summer when i have nothing else to do at night but smoke, listen to my cds and bribe myself to sleep thinking that tomorrow will be tv day. it bothers me that it has been happening on skul nights, not just once, but more often that i thought it would. it pains me that i could do nothing about it.

i tried reading letters friends gave me over the past years and cards given to me by my ex's as a theraphy. somehow it helped. i mean it made me realize how many people actually cares and looks up to me with their great expections for my life. but, it frightens me that i could only do so little to meet their expections. i know is shouldnt be pleasing them with thier own intentions towards me but i, myself expect me to achieve their expections. its a ferrocious cycle of wants and needs. of necessity and at the same time obscurity.

tomorrow, i plan to skip my afternoon off to go to baclaran for a novena. this always gives me relief. then, i'll go to the mall to get my hair shaved again. maybe it is the hair. yes, might be the hair. its getting thicker and heavier, my body just cant keep up with the burden.