mga pilipino nga naman talaga kakabiba.
i was watching tv patrol awhile back and there was this kalabaw who allgedly looked like a dog. it was being talked over the town and the kalabaw was an instant celebrity. then when i saw tha kalabaw, gosh, kaya naman pala mukang aso e may congenital deformity! the snout was incompletely formed, kita un nasal septum nya. he was more of nakakaawa than amazing. pilipino lang talaga ang ganun. we're the only nationality who can make a sensation out of something thats so unlikely. when the sun danced at the time of judiel aba! e manghang mangha tayo. e natural na sasayaw un, kaw ba naman tumitig sa araw, e di ba naman kaya mag flicker mata mo? haaay...
i remember this one drinking spree i had with friends months back and we were talking of the same issue on how filipinos has this habit of sensationalizing things. one good example is the perya (carnaval). here are some of them...
1. taong may kuba ginawang taong palaka
2. taong walang paa nilagyan ng pakpak at ginawang manananggal. matangkad na lalake, kapre na.
3. taong walang makain, pinakain ng buhay na manok
4. may labing isang daliri, galing daw ng ibang planeta
5. may komang, sabi taong wala daw buto
6. nag fuse ang mga daliri, taong bibi na
7. taong ang balat e magaspang na parang nangangaliskis e, anak daw ng syokoy.
8. babaeng nasa palanggana, aba e sirena na
9. unano, dwende daw
10. baklang mukhang kabayo, tikbalang na.
11. malaki mata, tarsier daw
12. taong mahilig magduyan duyan, e unggoy na.
anu ba yun?
the horor! the amazing fact is, we actually pay to see them eventhough we know na niloloko lang tayo coz by the end of the day a good laugh is all we need. but the sad part is, nakakaawa un mga tao. may karamdaman na nga, pinagtatawanan pa. sa sobrang hirap ng buhay wala naman sila magawa kse thats the only way they could earn a living. and we, as much as we want to comiserate for their loses has nothing to do but to pay for the entrance.
thats, how life goes. its like a perya. when we are impaired, we cant help it if certain people make fun out of our misery...at least they're there to witness it. and i know, as much as they are having a good laugh out of it, deep in their hearts they feel the concern and theyre just afraid to handle things. :)
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
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not so good friday
i dont know how to start this. i have never talked about my family in my blog. but this really bothers me.
while driving this afternoon (my first time to actually drive OUR car), some stupid van cut me off my lane and my mom just went bizerk about it. i jolted and napamura ako. it seemed now that minura ko mom ko. it was terrible. i didnt mean it. i was meaning it to the driver of the van. my evil sister got furiously mad. all along my driving she was mumbling stuffs, that got me heated up. the deal is, why would i cuss on my own mother? am i mad? i exactly know what to do during that time but its just...just i dont know, my mind went blanked. as my feet terrible for the breaks so is my choice for words. i apologized to my mom through text explaining what happened. but for me that just aint good enough to redeem me. it frustrates me that my sister has to go through the whole afternoon as if i really mean it, and that i was so rude and disrespectful. ok, i may have become what she thought i was back then but i didnt mean it. she has always been like that, an expert on fault finding and an instigator of madness. damn...hate is a very rough word to use but i'll use it otherwise. i hate her. forgive me, but for a second there i really wanted to strangle her. but there i was, trying to regain the littlest shame i got, and there she goes again! i have to, i have to, i have to.
also while driving i found out that they let my brother-in-law drive the car before from our house up to the village gate. i asked mom if it was true and she confirmed. and that was it! i cant believe they did that. i dont suppose that that stupid 'bayaw' of mine got a liscence. for crying out loud at his age he hasnt even finished school. he got to screw my sister up before he could go and screw some diploma for himself. anu yon? daig pa nya nagmemed nun. it pains me that its my sister who's working for them. i hate the fact that he's living with us, spending the electricity up until 3am playing computer games and if not watching tv without parttaking the bills. i couldn't blame him for again, how can he? honestly, everytime i see him around the house and seeing his stupid face roaming and smiling i swear if i was a criminal i could have been convicted again. maybe it wasnt about them letting him drive the car, it was about them not letting me to.
i thought having a car would mean some good way of being close to my dad. i thought cars, dads and sons are clicks. i guess i was wrong. i expected that my dad would teach me how to drive (at least a little of it), i expected he'd teach me the car's engine and how it works, i expected he'd ask me for a sunday off to bring the car and jog along baywalk, i expected so many things from my dad. i hate it when my parents would ask me if tim could accompany me drive around the village, if tim could teach me how to park, if tim could... tim is my friend and he's not my father. truthfully, tim has been my father and bestfriend. all things that i never got to learn from my father i learned it from him. how the engines work, how things are with motorbikes. but like my biological father, tim isnt there all the time. he has his own family and god knows what crumble is baking inside his home. i respect that.
it boils down to the fact that i have to learn things on my own. but when its time for me to learn things on my own i get shut off. telling me that i dont know how to. "di mo pa alam...tsaka na pagmagaling ka na". but when? but how? i hate this. this is the reason why i did drugs, why i talk more with my barkada than me sharing stories during dinner time, this is the reason why all i do at home is sleep, this is the reason why i dont have confidence in me, this is the reason why im gay, this is the reason why i get angry at so little things. i do not wish to be so trivial about all this but i just cant help it. i cant contact my friends, i cant contact tim to tell him all about this.
i know that i should be telling this to my parents, my family, but its hard. its hard to be open to people who have seen you as someone who doesnt care about anything. its hard to be taken seriously when they think you're not. it was my fault i never took my rights towards them. but they didnt gave me a chance. the minute i say something, they tell me i dont know anything. my tito and titas are not in speaking terms and i dont even know about it. i hate being nobody. maybe because i let them treat me as nobody.
i dont know what to do. i honestly dont know what to do.
if there's one thing that my family trusts me about without questions is how accademically proficient i am, how im so good at school, so good that ill become a doctor. that, i dont even know.
im sorry i just have to vent out, i love my family so much, i care for them so much, but we're not a perfect family, im not a perfect son. we all make mistakes. we just have to deal with it..and somehow come out of it...ALIVE!
while driving this afternoon (my first time to actually drive OUR car), some stupid van cut me off my lane and my mom just went bizerk about it. i jolted and napamura ako. it seemed now that minura ko mom ko. it was terrible. i didnt mean it. i was meaning it to the driver of the van. my evil sister got furiously mad. all along my driving she was mumbling stuffs, that got me heated up. the deal is, why would i cuss on my own mother? am i mad? i exactly know what to do during that time but its just...just i dont know, my mind went blanked. as my feet terrible for the breaks so is my choice for words. i apologized to my mom through text explaining what happened. but for me that just aint good enough to redeem me. it frustrates me that my sister has to go through the whole afternoon as if i really mean it, and that i was so rude and disrespectful. ok, i may have become what she thought i was back then but i didnt mean it. she has always been like that, an expert on fault finding and an instigator of madness. damn...hate is a very rough word to use but i'll use it otherwise. i hate her. forgive me, but for a second there i really wanted to strangle her. but there i was, trying to regain the littlest shame i got, and there she goes again! i have to, i have to, i have to.
also while driving i found out that they let my brother-in-law drive the car before from our house up to the village gate. i asked mom if it was true and she confirmed. and that was it! i cant believe they did that. i dont suppose that that stupid 'bayaw' of mine got a liscence. for crying out loud at his age he hasnt even finished school. he got to screw my sister up before he could go and screw some diploma for himself. anu yon? daig pa nya nagmemed nun. it pains me that its my sister who's working for them. i hate the fact that he's living with us, spending the electricity up until 3am playing computer games and if not watching tv without parttaking the bills. i couldn't blame him for again, how can he? honestly, everytime i see him around the house and seeing his stupid face roaming and smiling i swear if i was a criminal i could have been convicted again. maybe it wasnt about them letting him drive the car, it was about them not letting me to.
i thought having a car would mean some good way of being close to my dad. i thought cars, dads and sons are clicks. i guess i was wrong. i expected that my dad would teach me how to drive (at least a little of it), i expected he'd teach me the car's engine and how it works, i expected he'd ask me for a sunday off to bring the car and jog along baywalk, i expected so many things from my dad. i hate it when my parents would ask me if tim could accompany me drive around the village, if tim could teach me how to park, if tim could... tim is my friend and he's not my father. truthfully, tim has been my father and bestfriend. all things that i never got to learn from my father i learned it from him. how the engines work, how things are with motorbikes. but like my biological father, tim isnt there all the time. he has his own family and god knows what crumble is baking inside his home. i respect that.
it boils down to the fact that i have to learn things on my own. but when its time for me to learn things on my own i get shut off. telling me that i dont know how to. "di mo pa alam...tsaka na pagmagaling ka na". but when? but how? i hate this. this is the reason why i did drugs, why i talk more with my barkada than me sharing stories during dinner time, this is the reason why all i do at home is sleep, this is the reason why i dont have confidence in me, this is the reason why im gay, this is the reason why i get angry at so little things. i do not wish to be so trivial about all this but i just cant help it. i cant contact my friends, i cant contact tim to tell him all about this.
i know that i should be telling this to my parents, my family, but its hard. its hard to be open to people who have seen you as someone who doesnt care about anything. its hard to be taken seriously when they think you're not. it was my fault i never took my rights towards them. but they didnt gave me a chance. the minute i say something, they tell me i dont know anything. my tito and titas are not in speaking terms and i dont even know about it. i hate being nobody. maybe because i let them treat me as nobody.
i dont know what to do. i honestly dont know what to do.
if there's one thing that my family trusts me about without questions is how accademically proficient i am, how im so good at school, so good that ill become a doctor. that, i dont even know.
im sorry i just have to vent out, i love my family so much, i care for them so much, but we're not a perfect family, im not a perfect son. we all make mistakes. we just have to deal with it..and somehow come out of it...ALIVE!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
grabe, nagrereminisce na naman ako! shyet! this was during my undergrad. yan ang gawain namin, sumalampak sa floor. magdaldalan and in my case nagaaral. inspired ako nun e and dont ask me kung bakit kse everytime i remember di na sya mukhang inspiring. hehehehe. haba pa ulit buhok ko dyan. mukha ako totoy. well, hanggang ngayon naman e.
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Welcome to the world Nathan!
around 2am i recieved a textbrigade telling that aisa has just given birth to a healthy baby boy. i was so happy! i immediately texted aisa to congratulate her. i was suppose to visit her in the hospital this afternoon, but my still intermittent cramping pain of my abdomen hindered me to. bummer. but i told her ill be visiting her tomorrow after our visita iglesia.
haaaay...im really getting older. before the only signifcant text that i would recieve was that one of my friends has got a new boyfriend or girlfriend, now its either a text saying one of my barkada got her gf pregnant, or is getting married.
i wonder when will i get to pass a text like that...hehehe. alright, maybe not in the near future, but its not remote. what do u know technology might prove good enough to get me pregnant! hahahahahahaha. freakazoid! (kala nyo im thinking of getting somebody else pregnant noh? hahaha!)
haaaay...im really getting older. before the only signifcant text that i would recieve was that one of my friends has got a new boyfriend or girlfriend, now its either a text saying one of my barkada got her gf pregnant, or is getting married.
i wonder when will i get to pass a text like that...hehehe. alright, maybe not in the near future, but its not remote. what do u know technology might prove good enough to get me pregnant! hahahahahahaha. freakazoid! (kala nyo im thinking of getting somebody else pregnant noh? hahaha!)
i don't know how to multiply
if there is one word that i fancy enough that's "procratination". since monday, i havent lifted my book, havent read my transcriptions. looks to me that i'd be cramming again the night before my exams. im used to cramming. i atually hate cramming. but its true that what you hate is what you actually love.
talking about hate and love, im thinking of things that i hate and love at the same time.
holy week vs. vacation
i hate holy week but i love vacation. i remember as a child growing up (exclude the height), spending the holy week would mean grossly sad afternoons and the feeling of siesta the whole day. no good tv around and no playing around. yes, we werent allowed to play at least so much. last two years ago, my family's "panata" on the "pasyon" ended. i have good memories of those years. before i even knew contemprorary pop, i knew pasyon. it was during those times that at the age of 6, my mom would wake me up at 4am to go to my lola's house to sing the pabasa. i miss the "sopas", the "puto", the "sotanghon" in the mornings "menudo" and whatnots for lunch, and "dinuguan", "sapin-sapin", and "ginataan" for mirienda. those were the times as they say, and you can call me "batang pasyon". though the years ive joined in the reading and singing, i hardly remember the tunes of most of it. as my years increases so did my likeness of the pasyon. my procrastination was increasing as years go by. i remember this line from tha pasyon which i usually stop singing with "....at nabakla si hudas..." i hate that line. can't they just replace it with "natakot" or something?
exams vs. promoboards
i love exams but i hate it when the promoboards come. im that type of student who would rather take an exam than listen to 8 hours of lecture. i have a short attention span but it has nothing to do again with my height (its genetics). after a two hour lecture my mind is starting to roam around its periphery. i remember during my undergraduate, most of the poems i wrote were a product of my lack of attention to lectures. back then, my attention span was even worst. after an hour i slip into my notebook and write about things that confuse me and amaze me all at the same time. i remember i was so close to flunking one subject, coz of me instead of learning the topic i bring to skul my tutorial books on how-to-flash animation. and i read it in the middle of my class. i was a bad biostud. well, im a bad medstud as well. nothing changed.
i was watching "bata-bata pano ka ginawa?" on tv just now and there was this line that made me laugh.
and she's right. love cant be divided. i have been dividing it all my life. and that probably the reason why i dont understand love. i dont know how to multiply.
talking about hate and love, im thinking of things that i hate and love at the same time.
holy week vs. vacation
i hate holy week but i love vacation. i remember as a child growing up (exclude the height), spending the holy week would mean grossly sad afternoons and the feeling of siesta the whole day. no good tv around and no playing around. yes, we werent allowed to play at least so much. last two years ago, my family's "panata" on the "pasyon" ended. i have good memories of those years. before i even knew contemprorary pop, i knew pasyon. it was during those times that at the age of 6, my mom would wake me up at 4am to go to my lola's house to sing the pabasa. i miss the "sopas", the "puto", the "sotanghon" in the mornings "menudo" and whatnots for lunch, and "dinuguan", "sapin-sapin", and "ginataan" for mirienda. those were the times as they say, and you can call me "batang pasyon". though the years ive joined in the reading and singing, i hardly remember the tunes of most of it. as my years increases so did my likeness of the pasyon. my procrastination was increasing as years go by. i remember this line from tha pasyon which i usually stop singing with "....at nabakla si hudas..." i hate that line. can't they just replace it with "natakot" or something?
exams vs. promoboards
i love exams but i hate it when the promoboards come. im that type of student who would rather take an exam than listen to 8 hours of lecture. i have a short attention span but it has nothing to do again with my height (its genetics). after a two hour lecture my mind is starting to roam around its periphery. i remember during my undergraduate, most of the poems i wrote were a product of my lack of attention to lectures. back then, my attention span was even worst. after an hour i slip into my notebook and write about things that confuse me and amaze me all at the same time. i remember i was so close to flunking one subject, coz of me instead of learning the topic i bring to skul my tutorial books on how-to-flash animation. and i read it in the middle of my class. i was a bad biostud. well, im a bad medstud as well. nothing changed.
i was watching "bata-bata pano ka ginawa?" on tv just now and there was this line that made me laugh.
"ang pag-ibig di dinidivide; minumultiply yon!"
and she's right. love cant be divided. i have been dividing it all my life. and that probably the reason why i dont understand love. i dont know how to multiply.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
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tummy hurts
i've been such a prick this past week. i've hurt a couple of people with stupid words. i do not wish to blame it for the lack of sleep, but i admit i can really be so dumb. i'd like to say sorry for the nth time those people. im sorry for my cause.
anyway, i came in last monday around 2am. and my mom greeted me with her eyes and threats. "ba't ngayon k lang? alas dos na?, naku kung ganyan ka ng ganyan di kita papayagang magdrive". well, after the sermon, i defecated. literally. my tummy hurts. its still hurting. i cant recall any food that could and might have lead me to have sharp pains over my hypogastrium.
pain in the hypogastrium suggests:
1. small intestinal obstruction
2. dilated urinary bladder
3. ovarian cyst
4. pregancy
5. adynamic ileus
6. ulcer
ok...ovarian cyst and pregnancy is out of the question. its intermittent though, relieved by antacid and food. OH SHUT UP ENRIQ WITH ALL THIS MEDICINE STUFF
ok ok ok!!!!
tuesday i went to the LTO to get my non-pro liscence. it was a major stress. there were a lot of people, too many bills to pay and too many ques to fall in line with. it aggravated my tummy. i hate it.
i'm looking forward for this holy week. at least i could rest a little before i hit the books for my finals. i always pray that everyone in our class get promoted to third year. i know i need a lot of prayers myself. havent been a good student this year. too many flunked exams. too many exam nights that i just procrastinated. but ive been making up for my loses this past few weeks of my exams.
oh well time moves so fast. i wish i could turn back time.
anyway, i came in last monday around 2am. and my mom greeted me with her eyes and threats. "ba't ngayon k lang? alas dos na?, naku kung ganyan ka ng ganyan di kita papayagang magdrive". well, after the sermon, i defecated. literally. my tummy hurts. its still hurting. i cant recall any food that could and might have lead me to have sharp pains over my hypogastrium.
pain in the hypogastrium suggests:
1. small intestinal obstruction
2. dilated urinary bladder
3. ovarian cyst
4. pregancy
5. adynamic ileus
6. ulcer
ok...ovarian cyst and pregnancy is out of the question. its intermittent though, relieved by antacid and food. OH SHUT UP ENRIQ WITH ALL THIS MEDICINE STUFF
ok ok ok!!!!
tuesday i went to the LTO to get my non-pro liscence. it was a major stress. there were a lot of people, too many bills to pay and too many ques to fall in line with. it aggravated my tummy. i hate it.
i'm looking forward for this holy week. at least i could rest a little before i hit the books for my finals. i always pray that everyone in our class get promoted to third year. i know i need a lot of prayers myself. havent been a good student this year. too many flunked exams. too many exam nights that i just procrastinated. but ive been making up for my loses this past few weeks of my exams.
oh well time moves so fast. i wish i could turn back time.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
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Saturday, March 19, 2005
CUTEEEE!!! this pic was sent to me by margx and i love it. its soooo cute. i always wanted to have a dog, specifically "gwapo". such dogs i see in nescafe's tv ad, where girls would swoon around and admire my dog and me as well. hehehe. basta, i always envisioned myself jogging at baywalk with my gwapo dog and people would just look at us and envy us. awwwwww!!!!!
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FLOWERS AND STRIPES. my mom has this kinky habit of making my bed cover really girly. hehehe. the ottoman was a gift from my sister last x-mas, instead of having my feet rest on it, my magz did (btw, i dont have porn mags, they're tennis mags). only one person has ever slept in my bed, and thats margaux when she stays in our house. i love my bed though its not a good sexbed because 1. it makes a creeky sound; 2. its a single bed and 3. whatever sound made is directly heard on the adjacent room...my sisters. :(
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Friday, March 18, 2005
me, my mom, my room
Whew!
let me have the oppurtunity to say "whew" for three reasons:
1. "whew!"that my 4th shifting exams has finally ended, medicine final exam also
through;
2. "whew!" that i'm still alive; for several weeks now, i've been starving myself of
my sleep (i averaged 4 hours sleep, upper limit of 6 and lower limit of 2 hours), i still
have one more week of more such till my year ends;
3. "whew!" that i passed my medicine class, so one subject down, 7 more to go.
it felt like vacation the minute i went out the doors of my examination room this morning. i
had lunch with my barkada at robplace, which i miss a lot, for since i contracted an
inflammation of my soft tissues on my toe i never got to be with them on lunch-outs. we
were supposed to treat ourselves for a movie but none tickled our fancy but much more, we
were afraid that we'd sleep in the movie house and ultimately waste our precious allowance.
i got soaking wet going home, stupid rain catched up with me. what a timing?! bummer. good thing though that i was able to cover my clipboard and got only minor acid rain dimplings on my transcriptions. my lesson?, always bring my backpack. i hardly bring my bag on examinations, you see. im a clipboard addict! its an improvement from last year where i
would just bring my ballpen and phone with me, and my mom frequently asks..."pumasok ka ba?" hmmmm.....
"MMMMMMAAAAAA!!!!! ano ginawa mo sa room ko?" i shrieked! and i literally did. my mom came rushing upstairs to heed.
"ayaw mo ba nyan?"
"but it looked so neat?!", i reasoned.
i'm sure you guys know what happened...oh well, she cleaned my room. a total make over for crying out loud. my study desk was now positioned away from the window, my bags, shoes, cds, books, and tennis mags arranged, my bed cover changed, and no traces of dust anywhere. damn! it felt so wierd but i like it. i never knew so much could be done on my room. before i thought that changing my bed cover is already enough. she just gave me an idea for a project this summer!!! that is to fill my walls with picture frames, just memorable pics i spent with my friends and places ive been to.
i hurriedly looked through my desk drawers, and relieved to find out she didnt threw my
empty cig boxes. call me a freak-a-zoid but i keep all the cig boxes i consumed within my
room. i have this obsessive compulsive personality that i want my cig boxes to be thrown in
the can by me and only by me. my cig boxes serve as memory tiggers, i exactly knew when and where i bought each pack, and how long it took me to consume each pack by just the mere look on the state of each pack, like when the pack looked worn out which means i had it after a night out or when the empty pack still looked fresh which means i bought it just on a nearby store and had it consumed during my review sessions. all in all, i have 15 empty cig packs pilled up on my drawers. i plan to throw it soon don't worry.
whew! im sleepy now! ibby is sleepy (rhymes no?)
btw, i'd like to make a clarification: don't get me wrong but i do clean my own room...i
just dont have the time. :) let's put it this way...
let me have the oppurtunity to say "whew" for three reasons:
1. "whew!"that my 4th shifting exams has finally ended, medicine final exam also
through;
2. "whew!" that i'm still alive; for several weeks now, i've been starving myself of
my sleep (i averaged 4 hours sleep, upper limit of 6 and lower limit of 2 hours), i still
have one more week of more such till my year ends;
3. "whew!" that i passed my medicine class, so one subject down, 7 more to go.
it felt like vacation the minute i went out the doors of my examination room this morning. i
had lunch with my barkada at robplace, which i miss a lot, for since i contracted an
inflammation of my soft tissues on my toe i never got to be with them on lunch-outs. we
were supposed to treat ourselves for a movie but none tickled our fancy but much more, we
were afraid that we'd sleep in the movie house and ultimately waste our precious allowance.
i got soaking wet going home, stupid rain catched up with me. what a timing?! bummer. good thing though that i was able to cover my clipboard and got only minor acid rain dimplings on my transcriptions. my lesson?, always bring my backpack. i hardly bring my bag on examinations, you see. im a clipboard addict! its an improvement from last year where i
would just bring my ballpen and phone with me, and my mom frequently asks..."pumasok ka ba?" hmmmm.....
"MMMMMMAAAAAA!!!!! ano ginawa mo sa room ko?" i shrieked! and i literally did. my mom came rushing upstairs to heed.
"ayaw mo ba nyan?"
"but it looked so neat?!", i reasoned.
i'm sure you guys know what happened...oh well, she cleaned my room. a total make over for crying out loud. my study desk was now positioned away from the window, my bags, shoes, cds, books, and tennis mags arranged, my bed cover changed, and no traces of dust anywhere. damn! it felt so wierd but i like it. i never knew so much could be done on my room. before i thought that changing my bed cover is already enough. she just gave me an idea for a project this summer!!! that is to fill my walls with picture frames, just memorable pics i spent with my friends and places ive been to.
i hurriedly looked through my desk drawers, and relieved to find out she didnt threw my
empty cig boxes. call me a freak-a-zoid but i keep all the cig boxes i consumed within my
room. i have this obsessive compulsive personality that i want my cig boxes to be thrown in
the can by me and only by me. my cig boxes serve as memory tiggers, i exactly knew when and where i bought each pack, and how long it took me to consume each pack by just the mere look on the state of each pack, like when the pack looked worn out which means i had it after a night out or when the empty pack still looked fresh which means i bought it just on a nearby store and had it consumed during my review sessions. all in all, i have 15 empty cig packs pilled up on my drawers. i plan to throw it soon don't worry.
whew! im sleepy now! ibby is sleepy (rhymes no?)
btw, i'd like to make a clarification: don't get me wrong but i do clean my own room...i
just dont have the time. :) let's put it this way...
"my room is like my penis, i wash it, but i just dont have the time to
play with it"
Thursday, March 17, 2005
VERSACE AD. i wuz browsing my pic collection and thought of posting this. it was taken last year, december, in our classroom when we decorated it for the x-mas. our class didnt won the competition (dinaya kme) but we sure did captured a lot of good pictures from it. i made some fun stuff in this picture to make more like an ad. would me and margaux pass as print ad models? hehehehe
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
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ULTRAMAGNETIC CHEEKS!!!! ang cheekboy ko noh! (sorry, i just love posting pics here at my blog, kse naboboring karamihan pag puro mga tula ko or watnots...well except with one person...hehe thank you). im with katricia...we've been classmates for almost two years and its only now that i learned that she wears contact lenses and that she doesnt take it off, coz its an extended wear. whoa! i wish i could have my contacts in extended wear. :<
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Allan
Hold your blanket tight, sweet brother
And let mama’s words soothe your skin
Keep all the dreams you’ve gathered
Shower them in your loving kin
Bless each step you make in this world
Bring your sweet laughter and lasting smiles
In my life so riddled of so many words
Hold me in your little hands and teary eyes
Unpack your bags filled with hopes
Entrust it to us and we’ll keep its tone
Worry not we’ll be able to cope
As much as we did when you were gone
Now I know how it feels like
To have a brother I’ve never had
To hear mama’s words about you
Is to see how the world could might have been
So hold your blanket tight sweet brother
Go back to rest and sleep tight
Mama is here to pick the dreams you gathered
And I am here to give your hopes a little light
______________________
++Few people knew i had a brother. He's name is Edgar Allan. He died at age 3. I never got to know him, never seen him, and never touched him. But as i was growing up, i was made to believe that my brother is always there, for i have been all these years been enveloped with fanciful stories of how my brother spent his 3 years on earth. How, he loves "hipon", how he would ask my lolo for 1 peso and keeping it in his own "alkansya", saving it for tomorrow's time when he would be rich and by then he said, it would be his turn to give peso to my lolo. He was wonderful. Until now, i always imagine him (though not that frequent anymore), i have always had this question...How would life have change had my brother been alive?
And let mama’s words soothe your skin
Keep all the dreams you’ve gathered
Shower them in your loving kin
Bless each step you make in this world
Bring your sweet laughter and lasting smiles
In my life so riddled of so many words
Hold me in your little hands and teary eyes
Unpack your bags filled with hopes
Entrust it to us and we’ll keep its tone
Worry not we’ll be able to cope
As much as we did when you were gone
Now I know how it feels like
To have a brother I’ve never had
To hear mama’s words about you
Is to see how the world could might have been
So hold your blanket tight sweet brother
Go back to rest and sleep tight
Mama is here to pick the dreams you gathered
And I am here to give your hopes a little light
______________________
++Few people knew i had a brother. He's name is Edgar Allan. He died at age 3. I never got to know him, never seen him, and never touched him. But as i was growing up, i was made to believe that my brother is always there, for i have been all these years been enveloped with fanciful stories of how my brother spent his 3 years on earth. How, he loves "hipon", how he would ask my lolo for 1 peso and keeping it in his own "alkansya", saving it for tomorrow's time when he would be rich and by then he said, it would be his turn to give peso to my lolo. He was wonderful. Until now, i always imagine him (though not that frequent anymore), i have always had this question...How would life have change had my brother been alive?
Never Seen Love
In depth of my heart
with the stillness of my soul
I love thee of magnitudes
of a thousand stallions
racing through the fields of
green, yellow and brown hues
I can see thee
standing on top of the hill
shining brightly,
that even the light of
a million stars be shamed.
Your eyes
piercing arrows with poison
uncurable,
reflecting,
a stunning shade of brown
that would change as the
image of mine
shows through the blackness
and stillness of your stare
I would stand there motionless,
as your red lips invites,
along with your hands
that signals comfort, trust,
compassion.
My heart eats up the insides,
that feels so warm, so hot,
like summer baked in an oven
I could not resist!
My mind is blanked,
body firm but in motion,
everything as if spinning,
except you and I standing still
motioning towards each other:
so real, but not so real
For when the spinning stops
everything becomes in clarity:
I could not have you
nor so can you.
Whatever it is thats in your eyes
that meets mine is something profound.
My touch cannot reach you
my lips cannot feel you
now what would I do?
Everytime it stops spinning
when in time my mind contain
realities of life I disgraced
It is not only my eyes that can see,
my heart probes deeper,
into the depth of someone's
eyes I haven't seen
skin I haven't touched
breath I haven't felt
I could account everything that has happened
Whenever my eyes are closed
and my heart opened
with the stillness of my soul
I love thee of magnitudes
of a thousand stallions
racing through the fields of
green, yellow and brown hues
I can see thee
standing on top of the hill
shining brightly,
that even the light of
a million stars be shamed.
Your eyes
piercing arrows with poison
uncurable,
reflecting,
a stunning shade of brown
that would change as the
image of mine
shows through the blackness
and stillness of your stare
I would stand there motionless,
as your red lips invites,
along with your hands
that signals comfort, trust,
compassion.
My heart eats up the insides,
that feels so warm, so hot,
like summer baked in an oven
I could not resist!
My mind is blanked,
body firm but in motion,
everything as if spinning,
except you and I standing still
motioning towards each other:
so real, but not so real
For when the spinning stops
everything becomes in clarity:
I could not have you
nor so can you.
Whatever it is thats in your eyes
that meets mine is something profound.
My touch cannot reach you
my lips cannot feel you
now what would I do?
Everytime it stops spinning
when in time my mind contain
realities of life I disgraced
It is not only my eyes that can see,
my heart probes deeper,
into the depth of someone's
eyes I haven't seen
skin I haven't touched
breath I haven't felt
I could account everything that has happened
Whenever my eyes are closed
and my heart opened
Justify Me Leaving
Not in my mind did I think
that this thing will come:
As slowly as the candle melt,
so abruptly did you go;
the more you made me feel,
the more you took it away.
I cannot asnwer my questions alone
nor can loneliness fill my heart,
that has been longing
for logical reasons,
tangible truths
If i leave you,
would you leave me in return
or will you stay to watch me go?
or perhaps you would rather stay
and ask me to return.
Then justify me leaving
If I make you leave me,
don't expect my memories to leave you
nor expect it to haunt you.
For it will stay--
it will just stay...
But...if ever things remind you of me
and it bothers you that you still love me,
do me a favor and let it stay.
For it wouldn't mean harm,
it would only mean my appreciation.
Appreciation of something
you know I'll treasure.
A thing you would most likely
not to forget.
And if ever these things
would make you want to have me again
then justify me leaving
that this thing will come:
As slowly as the candle melt,
so abruptly did you go;
the more you made me feel,
the more you took it away.
I cannot asnwer my questions alone
nor can loneliness fill my heart,
that has been longing
for logical reasons,
tangible truths
If i leave you,
would you leave me in return
or will you stay to watch me go?
or perhaps you would rather stay
and ask me to return.
Then justify me leaving
If I make you leave me,
don't expect my memories to leave you
nor expect it to haunt you.
For it will stay--
it will just stay...
But...if ever things remind you of me
and it bothers you that you still love me,
do me a favor and let it stay.
For it wouldn't mean harm,
it would only mean my appreciation.
Appreciation of something
you know I'll treasure.
A thing you would most likely
not to forget.
And if ever these things
would make you want to have me again
then justify me leaving
Friday, March 11, 2005
Sonnets
Insidious
How sweet is the love that man is sharing?
In width and depth so much disparaging
It tickles the bone and lures the senses
And catalyses the rushing horses
From within the baneful words of passion
We heed for our uttermost destruction
Could this be the rightful way of loving?
To beguile a heart is but a yearning
The venefic coquette devours great
The poison travels in the fastest rate
Down from the toes, to the heart and the mind
We trip, we turn, we err for our worthless find
If this is all but what is happening
We’ll all fall prey to their art of cunning
Now how sweet is the love man is sharing?
Well, so much sweet that we all die giving
In Deceitful Twist of Fate (Sonnet I)
The yearning of the sun is yet to pass
The frigidity of life is mine to surpass
Peevish enough to see my skin brittle
I wait as age pass upon so subtle
If by chance time could be cheated upon
I would be most willing to test the pun
For I will not delude myself to such
Since I am in correct insanity
And nay wills my beliefs perish instantly
Because the ever quick wave of the hand
And that ever sudden glimpse of the eye
Could fool everybody’s own set of bands
In Destitute of Discontentment (Sonnet II)
Time has allowed us to recuperate
But life is not ours to preponderate
In this world where man work and thrive to die
We prefix ourselves to measure its cry
How much then this life is worth? ; So much as
We ravish ourselves in treasures and class
And dig us to our own destruction
In ignorance we suffer desiccation
While we are plasmolyzed by pure wisdom
Our souls are thrown out of His kingdom
And what good could this bring about our lives?
When we are too weak to move with every stride
If only there’s a way to bring back time
For us to taste still life’s sin and prime
How sweet is the love that man is sharing?
In width and depth so much disparaging
It tickles the bone and lures the senses
And catalyses the rushing horses
From within the baneful words of passion
We heed for our uttermost destruction
Could this be the rightful way of loving?
To beguile a heart is but a yearning
The venefic coquette devours great
The poison travels in the fastest rate
Down from the toes, to the heart and the mind
We trip, we turn, we err for our worthless find
If this is all but what is happening
We’ll all fall prey to their art of cunning
Now how sweet is the love man is sharing?
Well, so much sweet that we all die giving
In Deceitful Twist of Fate (Sonnet I)
The yearning of the sun is yet to pass
The frigidity of life is mine to surpass
Peevish enough to see my skin brittle
I wait as age pass upon so subtle
If by chance time could be cheated upon
I would be most willing to test the pun
For I will not delude myself to such
Since I am in correct insanity
And nay wills my beliefs perish instantly
Because the ever quick wave of the hand
And that ever sudden glimpse of the eye
Could fool everybody’s own set of bands
In Destitute of Discontentment (Sonnet II)
Time has allowed us to recuperate
But life is not ours to preponderate
In this world where man work and thrive to die
We prefix ourselves to measure its cry
How much then this life is worth? ; So much as
We ravish ourselves in treasures and class
And dig us to our own destruction
In ignorance we suffer desiccation
While we are plasmolyzed by pure wisdom
Our souls are thrown out of His kingdom
And what good could this bring about our lives?
When we are too weak to move with every stride
If only there’s a way to bring back time
For us to taste still life’s sin and prime
++again, one of my most loved works (narcistic ok ok!), i just love seeing my works again. i gave my original manuscripts to one of my ex before as a gift. i havent gotten them back yet. i just miss my manuscripts!!!!!
You Don't Have to Love Me
You don't have to love me, I don't want to be a burden.
To your heart, I don't want to be the pain.
You can close your eyes when you see me,
cover your ears if the sounds I make reaches you.
But just don't speak words you mean decietfully
You don't have to love me, I don't want a burden.
In my brain, you don't have to be the ache.
I can open my eyes and not see you,
let my ears feel the throb and not hear it.
But I can never forget the pain, in my heart you brought me
You don't have to love me, I don't expect a reciprocal
I can always give it and not want something else
My heart feels joy to the littlest beat I hear
My feet tremble in the sudden gush of adrenaline
But don't ignore my joy, you could at least recognize
You don't have to love me, I don't intend to reciprocate
The last thing that I want is not a disappointment
I don't feel the urge to have gratitude win
I have stood alone before, and I will again if I must.
To your heart, I don't want to be the pain.
You can close your eyes when you see me,
cover your ears if the sounds I make reaches you.
But just don't speak words you mean decietfully
You don't have to love me, I don't want a burden.
In my brain, you don't have to be the ache.
I can open my eyes and not see you,
let my ears feel the throb and not hear it.
But I can never forget the pain, in my heart you brought me
You don't have to love me, I don't expect a reciprocal
I can always give it and not want something else
My heart feels joy to the littlest beat I hear
My feet tremble in the sudden gush of adrenaline
But don't ignore my joy, you could at least recognize
You don't have to love me, I don't intend to reciprocate
The last thing that I want is not a disappointment
I don't feel the urge to have gratitude win
I have stood alone before, and I will again if I must.
++Wrote this one, also way back 2nd year college (yeah i was fruitful back then). its one of my favorite poems. it says a lot of how i look on love...mostly in pessimistic manner. hehehe. but ive changed, ive become optpemistic (optimist and pessimist). :>
Earnest for Ernest
this is a short story i wrote way back second year college. i was 18 and i can say that it was the year of my big depression and angst. i dont know but, during that year, i experienced waking up in the morning, angry for no reason at all, i have countless arguments with my mom, and my sisters. i took music from paparaoch, limp bizkit and greenday (to name a few) as my theraphy. it was sort of like, my way of telling the world what i couldnt do on my own. oh well, im sober now. it was just a phase. and writing paved a way for my recovery. :)
_____________
The girl was in her adolescence, fair skinned, her eyes of dark brown shimmered in the light and her hair danced in the cold evening air. It was not like any other evening she spent. There was something special, something that made her wait...eagerly wait. She stayed long in the evening, with no exact reason of whether the moon will ever stay to hug the evening.
“I’ve been watching you for so long now”, a young man from behind the rocks where the girl was sitting appeared in the bleakness of the light.
“Do I know you? Have I met you somewhere?”
“Yes, you’ve been meeting me all your lonely nights”, the man answered with a soft, lonely voice.
“If that is the case, I may as well break my mama’s warning. May I know your name lovely man?”
“Ernest”, he said.
“Lovely name for a lovely man, just like the author of the novel I’m reading”
“If I may ask young lady, may I know the title of the novel for which you are so interested with?”
“A Farewell to Arms, nosy man”
“Have you with the end of the novel?”
“No, but I have read it many times now”, the girl answered in a proud boastful manner.
“And how is that with the novel that you regret to see the final act?”
“I don’t know, it’s just that endings for me are no good. Endings bring loneliness. It usually leads to death. And I’m afraid of death as I am with life in living.”
“There is nothing to fear with death. Death is a beautiful thing to experience. It’s something that fulfills life and gives you life though dead”
“How is that?”, puzzled and weary, the girl questioned.
“You see, in this life of so many deaths, you can never want more than life after death. And the fact that I’ve been...”
His words were broken by a sudden voice of an old woman possibly in her forties. It came from the dark and gloomy seashore.
“Agnes, Agnes where are you? Its time for dinner darling”
“Been what, Ernest?”, anxious was she.
“Agnes!”, the voice grew much louder, and obviously worried.
“I’m here mama! I have to go. ‘Till then Ernest”
“Yes, ‘till then...”
The man wanted to say something. A thing that could possibly change Agnes’ life, but there was something that hindered him not to. He ate the words he just said, and thought that it wasn’t time yet, and when that time comes she could all be ready. And so he hoped.
The table was long. Foods lined in such symmetry with the candles, giving the table a visible aroma. House cleaners were lined too, in such manner given to a king or queen. Flowers hung from the chandelier just above the table. It was a dinner she had in her dreams. It was so grand, so extravagant that Agnes’ eyes went wide open.
“Agnes, go ahead and eat.”, her mother gestured her in the soft cushioned, wooden chair that is in the middle of the table.
“Mama, what’s with this such an extravagant dinner that you’ve prepared for me?”
“This is nothing compared to the happiness you’ve given me since you were born”, her mother took Agnes’ hands and touched it with her lips.
“You sound like this would be the last dinner for me mama”
“No darling..., don’t say such words:”
“Sorry mama, I just can’t help but think of how I am”
“You will be all right Agnes”, she gripped Agnes’ hands so tight that it felt so warm.
“Let’s just eat mama." are the words that Agnes managed to say
She was a special girl indeed. Born and raised by a very wealthy family, with a very good parent a child could ever have. However, from within that richness, she was poor. Not from material goods but in the strength of character. She lacked the courage to stand alone in her life for ever since her father died; she became her mother’s only solace...her mother’s only means of survival. She was considered as a star without the light to shine, a flower without the petals to bloom, and a butterfly without the wings to fly. She cradled sadness and treasured loneliness, but the books; the novels she read seemed to liven up the littlest spirit she had. It seemed as though her life is between reality and fiction. She often times consider herself as those heroes who passionately die in the midst of adversity. She had the right to feel alone for beyond the beauty she have, she was not given a chance to feel love as anybody else did. Not a love she shared with her mother but a constant love that will keep her strong and that one love that will accompany her during her waiting hours.
Morning came. The sun finally agreed for the night to trade light. From her balcony, Agnes could see the rest of the world. Moreover, it seemed so peaceful...so quiet, but the yearning inside her exhibited the chaos of a world once inhabited by strong people. There above the rock designed by crawling weeds and lovely daffodils, sat the man she met last night. This time he has this glow in his face that she cannot explain. She waved to make him wait as she hurried down stairs to the troublesome rocks.
“Have you been here long enough to see me wake in the morning?”, Agnes asked. She wore a white satin night gown that stretched down to her toes. The sun gave her the white silvery shine as she walked towards the rocks.
“Yes, and I’d be happy to be here to see you retire to bed”, he said. He was a very fine looking young man. Judging from the way he dressed, he was probably a soldier. Agnes could see a Red Cross over his arm, and he seemed so noble, so valiant. Ernest looked strong although his features reveal a less muscled body. His round face reveal a very childlike man with a very mature sense of responsibility.
“You’re sweet and unpredictable”
“I see you carrying that book again”, looking at the navy blue covered book reading A Farewell to Arms in a background featuring a soldier with light bombings over his head, Ernest shifted his sight.
‘Why you’d asked?”
“Nothing. You seemed to like that book a lot don’t you?”
“Yes and does that mean anything?”
“I don’t know...but I can see that you have such interest in war”
“Not actually, but this book is not totally of war as you can see from the cover”, raising the book so as the cover seemed to reflect light on it. “It’s about how love can be brought into a place so snarled by war”
“How could there be love in war Agnes?”
“I don’t know. It’s an inevitable feeling”
“So, you do believe in love Agnes?”
“No, but I believe in a feeling that you can see yourself in another and be able to be yourself. Becoming what you are and feeling something profound.”
“Then isn’t that love that you’re telling me?”
“Love is just a word that describes a feeling that common people tried to live with. I see love as something that cannot be labeled with some sort of a name and with some sort of an explanation”
“But have you ever felt that feeling?”
“Everybody feels that feeling. It lives within us. God created us with it though most of the times we fail to use it and we forsake that it is in us.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever been in love?”
“I want to think I have but I often feel that I’m alone in this world. And I’m afraid to die alone or be alone for the rest of my life”
“Don’t you want not to be alone?”
“What do you mean? Who in the world would ever share his life with mine?’, she burst in laughter.
“This is not a laughing matter. You could be with me and me with you. You see I love you Agnes. It has only been a short while but I guess I have this feeling for you.”
Agnes could not speak. She was startled. She never thought that this day would ever come. That a man asked her to be his girl. It was a big dramatic pause. She was neither happy nor unhappy.
“I..I..I....don’t know what to say. I think I have to go”
“But Agnes!”
“I’m sorry Ernest. This wasn’t the right time. You should have not.”
She left the rocks with a big cloud over his head. Hurriedly, she went back to her room. She looked at the mirror and she saw a young girl with brown eyes and soft, silky hair. She saw a girl whom she thought was not her. She saw her book and began to read the next chapter she was in.
“You’ve been reading that book again, Agnes”, her mother found her sitting in a wooden rocking chair that faced the outside of the window. Agnes did not return the gesture. It was as if she was in another world or probably she just wanted to ignore the real world.
“Agnes, are you ok?”
“Ha?”, as if she woke up from a trance.
“I said are you ok?”
“Yes mom, I think so.”
“I think I better get that book away from you. I’m afraid that you are getting too close to it and give you some illogical effect or something”
“Why you’d say?”
“Because I cannot understand you now. Sometimes you would talk to yourself or would be staring far beyond the horizon. It’s just not you anymore”
“I guess, it must have been brought by my malady”, from the sound of her voice she was afraid but from the look of her eyes she was strong.
“Don’t say such. You’ll be fine nothing’s wrong honey”, worried her mother eased her
“Let’s just face it mother, I’m gonna die in just a matter of days or maybe hours. But during those waiting hours nothing ever comforts me but his book. The Lord may ever take my life away but at least when that day come I could have experience the life I ever wanted through this.”, hugging the book in both arms towards her heart.
“I know how you feel but I also want to be a part of that world you’re telling. I’m your mother, let me help you.”
“Mother, all my life you have been a part of my world. But this time I have to choose the world that I want to live in and in that world you cannot follow. I should live with it alone as you would in your world.”
“I cannot comprehend.”
“You see in life we are given our own roads which we may or may not follow. But I, I have created a road of my own, a road full of flowers and thorns, animals and beasts, peace and chaos. And if ever I surpass this world it would be because of you mother.”
“Oh Agnes”, her mother hugged her tightly. Her mother’s eyes went in tears as she continued to look far across the distance. “I love you so much, my daughter. Thank Lord for I have you”.
“I love you too mama, my life is but not for long. If you may forbid, I’d like to return to my world. And I’ll see you in it mother.”
“If that is what you like. I’ll see you then.”
The evening came; the moonlight glittered in every wave the current of water sets upon the dark sea. She stood there earnestly waiting beside the very same rocks she turned her backs into.
“I thought you wouldn’t come”, Ernest finally shone in the dark.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said, I think you’re not sure with what you feel, Ernest. I thought that this was all I wanted. That this was a dream come true. But it wasn’t. It will all end eventually and I want to end it now. I don't want to break your heart Ernest. I love you so, that is why I cannot let you to”.
“What do you mean? You love me and I love you what could ever be wrong?”
“Me, Ernest. Soon you’ll never see me again for I’m dying, Ernest” she trembled in fear but not of losing Ernest but of fear of what is in store for her in that death. “So, I better not see you again, for I know we will in time”. She couldn’t help the deep sadness she had. She run away and with those last words she left the rocks.
“I know how you feel. That’s why I’m here, Agnes. I’m here to fetch you and bring you to your world!”. Ernest shouted over the thick foliage where Agnes disappeared in the dark. It echoed in the dark. Though it was loud, Agnes did not hear a thing from among so many other things that cloaked her mind.
She was brave, but coward. She had the ability to fight death but she did not. It was as if she was destined to such tragedy that most lonely people end up.
The sun rose behind the waters, and with it was weeping. Her mother sat beside her daughter’s dead body mourning. She was beautiful even in death. Her face that shone by the light of the sun made a lasting glow of contentment. And on her right hand, she held the book she was reading. On the margins of the page wrote, ‘A Farewell to Arms mother’. Agnes never wanted to read the last chapter but during her death the book was turned to it. Her mother took the book and read the death of Catherine Barkley, one of the characters in the novel. She laid in her bed as Catherine would in the novel. It was as if she made her death timely to her reading of the last chapter. Her mother never understood what she meant by that, but surely her mother thought, that it would have been best if she had insisted of taking the book away from Agnes.
_____________
Sometimes we feel so alone that we forgot that we are living in reality
The girl was in her adolescence, fair skinned, her eyes of dark brown shimmered in the light and her hair danced in the cold evening air. It was not like any other evening she spent. There was something special, something that made her wait...eagerly wait. She stayed long in the evening, with no exact reason of whether the moon will ever stay to hug the evening.
“I’ve been watching you for so long now”, a young man from behind the rocks where the girl was sitting appeared in the bleakness of the light.
“Do I know you? Have I met you somewhere?”
“Yes, you’ve been meeting me all your lonely nights”, the man answered with a soft, lonely voice.
“If that is the case, I may as well break my mama’s warning. May I know your name lovely man?”
“Ernest”, he said.
“Lovely name for a lovely man, just like the author of the novel I’m reading”
“If I may ask young lady, may I know the title of the novel for which you are so interested with?”
“A Farewell to Arms, nosy man”
“Have you with the end of the novel?”
“No, but I have read it many times now”, the girl answered in a proud boastful manner.
“And how is that with the novel that you regret to see the final act?”
“I don’t know, it’s just that endings for me are no good. Endings bring loneliness. It usually leads to death. And I’m afraid of death as I am with life in living.”
“There is nothing to fear with death. Death is a beautiful thing to experience. It’s something that fulfills life and gives you life though dead”
“How is that?”, puzzled and weary, the girl questioned.
“You see, in this life of so many deaths, you can never want more than life after death. And the fact that I’ve been...”
His words were broken by a sudden voice of an old woman possibly in her forties. It came from the dark and gloomy seashore.
“Agnes, Agnes where are you? Its time for dinner darling”
“Been what, Ernest?”, anxious was she.
“Agnes!”, the voice grew much louder, and obviously worried.
“I’m here mama! I have to go. ‘Till then Ernest”
“Yes, ‘till then...”
The man wanted to say something. A thing that could possibly change Agnes’ life, but there was something that hindered him not to. He ate the words he just said, and thought that it wasn’t time yet, and when that time comes she could all be ready. And so he hoped.
The table was long. Foods lined in such symmetry with the candles, giving the table a visible aroma. House cleaners were lined too, in such manner given to a king or queen. Flowers hung from the chandelier just above the table. It was a dinner she had in her dreams. It was so grand, so extravagant that Agnes’ eyes went wide open.
“Agnes, go ahead and eat.”, her mother gestured her in the soft cushioned, wooden chair that is in the middle of the table.
“Mama, what’s with this such an extravagant dinner that you’ve prepared for me?”
“This is nothing compared to the happiness you’ve given me since you were born”, her mother took Agnes’ hands and touched it with her lips.
“You sound like this would be the last dinner for me mama”
“No darling..., don’t say such words:”
“Sorry mama, I just can’t help but think of how I am”
“You will be all right Agnes”, she gripped Agnes’ hands so tight that it felt so warm.
“Let’s just eat mama." are the words that Agnes managed to say
She was a special girl indeed. Born and raised by a very wealthy family, with a very good parent a child could ever have. However, from within that richness, she was poor. Not from material goods but in the strength of character. She lacked the courage to stand alone in her life for ever since her father died; she became her mother’s only solace...her mother’s only means of survival. She was considered as a star without the light to shine, a flower without the petals to bloom, and a butterfly without the wings to fly. She cradled sadness and treasured loneliness, but the books; the novels she read seemed to liven up the littlest spirit she had. It seemed as though her life is between reality and fiction. She often times consider herself as those heroes who passionately die in the midst of adversity. She had the right to feel alone for beyond the beauty she have, she was not given a chance to feel love as anybody else did. Not a love she shared with her mother but a constant love that will keep her strong and that one love that will accompany her during her waiting hours.
Morning came. The sun finally agreed for the night to trade light. From her balcony, Agnes could see the rest of the world. Moreover, it seemed so peaceful...so quiet, but the yearning inside her exhibited the chaos of a world once inhabited by strong people. There above the rock designed by crawling weeds and lovely daffodils, sat the man she met last night. This time he has this glow in his face that she cannot explain. She waved to make him wait as she hurried down stairs to the troublesome rocks.
“Have you been here long enough to see me wake in the morning?”, Agnes asked. She wore a white satin night gown that stretched down to her toes. The sun gave her the white silvery shine as she walked towards the rocks.
“Yes, and I’d be happy to be here to see you retire to bed”, he said. He was a very fine looking young man. Judging from the way he dressed, he was probably a soldier. Agnes could see a Red Cross over his arm, and he seemed so noble, so valiant. Ernest looked strong although his features reveal a less muscled body. His round face reveal a very childlike man with a very mature sense of responsibility.
“You’re sweet and unpredictable”
“I see you carrying that book again”, looking at the navy blue covered book reading A Farewell to Arms in a background featuring a soldier with light bombings over his head, Ernest shifted his sight.
‘Why you’d asked?”
“Nothing. You seemed to like that book a lot don’t you?”
“Yes and does that mean anything?”
“I don’t know...but I can see that you have such interest in war”
“Not actually, but this book is not totally of war as you can see from the cover”, raising the book so as the cover seemed to reflect light on it. “It’s about how love can be brought into a place so snarled by war”
“How could there be love in war Agnes?”
“I don’t know. It’s an inevitable feeling”
“So, you do believe in love Agnes?”
“No, but I believe in a feeling that you can see yourself in another and be able to be yourself. Becoming what you are and feeling something profound.”
“Then isn’t that love that you’re telling me?”
“Love is just a word that describes a feeling that common people tried to live with. I see love as something that cannot be labeled with some sort of a name and with some sort of an explanation”
“But have you ever felt that feeling?”
“Everybody feels that feeling. It lives within us. God created us with it though most of the times we fail to use it and we forsake that it is in us.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever been in love?”
“I want to think I have but I often feel that I’m alone in this world. And I’m afraid to die alone or be alone for the rest of my life”
“Don’t you want not to be alone?”
“What do you mean? Who in the world would ever share his life with mine?’, she burst in laughter.
“This is not a laughing matter. You could be with me and me with you. You see I love you Agnes. It has only been a short while but I guess I have this feeling for you.”
Agnes could not speak. She was startled. She never thought that this day would ever come. That a man asked her to be his girl. It was a big dramatic pause. She was neither happy nor unhappy.
“I..I..I....don’t know what to say. I think I have to go”
“But Agnes!”
“I’m sorry Ernest. This wasn’t the right time. You should have not.”
She left the rocks with a big cloud over his head. Hurriedly, she went back to her room. She looked at the mirror and she saw a young girl with brown eyes and soft, silky hair. She saw a girl whom she thought was not her. She saw her book and began to read the next chapter she was in.
“You’ve been reading that book again, Agnes”, her mother found her sitting in a wooden rocking chair that faced the outside of the window. Agnes did not return the gesture. It was as if she was in another world or probably she just wanted to ignore the real world.
“Agnes, are you ok?”
“Ha?”, as if she woke up from a trance.
“I said are you ok?”
“Yes mom, I think so.”
“I think I better get that book away from you. I’m afraid that you are getting too close to it and give you some illogical effect or something”
“Why you’d say?”
“Because I cannot understand you now. Sometimes you would talk to yourself or would be staring far beyond the horizon. It’s just not you anymore”
“I guess, it must have been brought by my malady”, from the sound of her voice she was afraid but from the look of her eyes she was strong.
“Don’t say such. You’ll be fine nothing’s wrong honey”, worried her mother eased her
“Let’s just face it mother, I’m gonna die in just a matter of days or maybe hours. But during those waiting hours nothing ever comforts me but his book. The Lord may ever take my life away but at least when that day come I could have experience the life I ever wanted through this.”, hugging the book in both arms towards her heart.
“I know how you feel but I also want to be a part of that world you’re telling. I’m your mother, let me help you.”
“Mother, all my life you have been a part of my world. But this time I have to choose the world that I want to live in and in that world you cannot follow. I should live with it alone as you would in your world.”
“I cannot comprehend.”
“You see in life we are given our own roads which we may or may not follow. But I, I have created a road of my own, a road full of flowers and thorns, animals and beasts, peace and chaos. And if ever I surpass this world it would be because of you mother.”
“Oh Agnes”, her mother hugged her tightly. Her mother’s eyes went in tears as she continued to look far across the distance. “I love you so much, my daughter. Thank Lord for I have you”.
“I love you too mama, my life is but not for long. If you may forbid, I’d like to return to my world. And I’ll see you in it mother.”
“If that is what you like. I’ll see you then.”
The evening came; the moonlight glittered in every wave the current of water sets upon the dark sea. She stood there earnestly waiting beside the very same rocks she turned her backs into.
“I thought you wouldn’t come”, Ernest finally shone in the dark.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said, I think you’re not sure with what you feel, Ernest. I thought that this was all I wanted. That this was a dream come true. But it wasn’t. It will all end eventually and I want to end it now. I don't want to break your heart Ernest. I love you so, that is why I cannot let you to”.
“What do you mean? You love me and I love you what could ever be wrong?”
“Me, Ernest. Soon you’ll never see me again for I’m dying, Ernest” she trembled in fear but not of losing Ernest but of fear of what is in store for her in that death. “So, I better not see you again, for I know we will in time”. She couldn’t help the deep sadness she had. She run away and with those last words she left the rocks.
“I know how you feel. That’s why I’m here, Agnes. I’m here to fetch you and bring you to your world!”. Ernest shouted over the thick foliage where Agnes disappeared in the dark. It echoed in the dark. Though it was loud, Agnes did not hear a thing from among so many other things that cloaked her mind.
She was brave, but coward. She had the ability to fight death but she did not. It was as if she was destined to such tragedy that most lonely people end up.
The sun rose behind the waters, and with it was weeping. Her mother sat beside her daughter’s dead body mourning. She was beautiful even in death. Her face that shone by the light of the sun made a lasting glow of contentment. And on her right hand, she held the book she was reading. On the margins of the page wrote, ‘A Farewell to Arms mother’. Agnes never wanted to read the last chapter but during her death the book was turned to it. Her mother took the book and read the death of Catherine Barkley, one of the characters in the novel. She laid in her bed as Catherine would in the novel. It was as if she made her death timely to her reading of the last chapter. Her mother never understood what she meant by that, but surely her mother thought, that it would have been best if she had insisted of taking the book away from Agnes.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
this was taken this morning when i skipped faculty evaluation time, and decided to just linger at the lobby. anyway, i love micro day, coz it means no work just play. its one subject that i really feel that im actually in post grad. no attendace, no guilt feelings of not attending classes, and though i get to attend lectures, "daldalan" with my classmates is the main objective. bad ko! i went to novena at baclaran, got myself a haircut and treated myself to a fabulous lunch. its nice eating alone...its makes me feel independent. :)
its 1am and i must be lonely
"well yeah, she said
baby, its 3am and i must be lonely. and i just cant help but be scared of it all
sometimes..." from matchbox 20, my theme song for tonight or this morning, only that its 1am.
we all have those nights where we twist and turn in our bed, trying to get good position for sleep but when in fact we just cant, couldnt sleep at all. in my case it was the latter. something's bothering me. i could exactly blame my failing grades in a couple of subjects i have, but there is something more. something i just cant quite figure out. i feel lonely (but not depressed).
i am agitated about my future; more of like scared. uncertainty creeps up my vasculars even more than before. i used to have these nights, but unlike any other nights, prayers and sleep isnt just woking. i hate these nights. it usually comes up to me during summer when i have nothing else to do at night but smoke, listen to my cds and bribe myself to sleep thinking that tomorrow will be tv day. it bothers me that it has been happening on skul nights, not just once, but more often that i thought it would. it pains me that i could do nothing about it.
i tried reading letters friends gave me over the past years and cards given to me by my ex's as a theraphy. somehow it helped. i mean it made me realize how many people actually cares and looks up to me with their great expections for my life. but, it frightens me that i could only do so little to meet their expections. i know is shouldnt be pleasing them with thier own intentions towards me but i, myself expect me to achieve their expections. its a ferrocious cycle of wants and needs. of necessity and at the same time obscurity.
tomorrow, i plan to skip my afternoon off to go to baclaran for a novena. this always gives me relief. then, i'll go to the mall to get my hair shaved again. maybe it is the hair. yes, might be the hair. its getting thicker and heavier, my body just cant keep up with the burden.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Ibby's Monologue
My friend and i was arguing about love last night (well...actually it was only him that was doing so hehehe). There has been so much things i have learned and things that i know but somehow fail to acknowledge for reason like most of us have...we are blinded.
"what exactly IS love?"
Love is being misused in the context of a relationship
True. Its easy to interchange "i love you" with just merely saying "i like you". Big difference. Telling someone that you love them defeates the idea of the exact premise of love which is something that is shared or given in the same manner as jesus gave himself on the cross, or something in that notion. Yes, love is a sacred word, no one can argue about that, but in the context of relationship...what exactly is love?
When you cant help but think about the person, is it love? when you anticipate every word you hear about someone, is it love? when you miss someone, is it love? the moment that you held hands under a starry night, or share each other's spoon on a romantic date, is it love? when you engage in a sexual act together, is it love?
Probably yes, but could be more of an infatuation.
Every one of us has this need and urge to feel appreciated, liked, noticed and ultimately to feel loved. Would that "kilig feeling" that drives us to work hard, study hard, be nicer to people, enough to tell ourselves that we have actually loved or is loved?
If we have these reasons for love, then maybe...just maybe, we are deluding ourselves. However, love is relative, it is general, it is non-specific. Its more of a word that we connote to something that we actually barely understand. Above all its a feeling.
Through the ages man has made this habit of asking and finding answers. When man became wise enough to ask "what is this feeling i have for that someone", that is the time when love came into view. We put love as an answer, we blamed love for it. If there is anything man is very good at it is blaming. We blame all the time...because we want security. Security from our own guilt feelings that we know something and just couldn't explain it.
I have the same view about love as my friend, not until i went into my first relationship. Everything changed since then, i have become blinded. Maybe what i had before with my three relationships is nothing but an infatuation....and im afraid that it might just only be a state of urgency. I was young then, well until now i am, back then i was so idealistic about love, how it should be or could be. Maybe i was caught in panic when i realized that at age 20, everybody else in the same age bracket are already having dozens of relationships, and i am missing a lot in my life that i grab anything that comes my way without realizing the consequences that could leave me numb and traumatized.
But that is the idea of love...to hurt, to lose, and to be defeated. Then we pick ourselves up, move on, find new love, enjoy new love. If love is but plain and simple, love and forever, it loses its taste. Love is an addiction, something that once we pop we cant stop, or in a lighter analogy, something that once erected we masturbate (ok, this is too much...erase erase). Anyway, the quest for true love, for the ultimate love, is what drives us all to better ourselves. I don't beleive that it comes with age or the time spent between two people to find out if it is trully love, nor can we compare it to something that jesus did when he died on the cross because its a whole new different story all together, but i still believe love can happen now. it knows no time, boundaries or criterion.
I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before
You're beautiful
and I'm weakened by the force of Your eyes
so shine bright to separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love
So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions
or walk an angry sea
this is the cost of being free
"what exactly IS love?"
Love is being misused in the context of a relationship
True. Its easy to interchange "i love you" with just merely saying "i like you". Big difference. Telling someone that you love them defeates the idea of the exact premise of love which is something that is shared or given in the same manner as jesus gave himself on the cross, or something in that notion. Yes, love is a sacred word, no one can argue about that, but in the context of relationship...what exactly is love?
When you cant help but think about the person, is it love? when you anticipate every word you hear about someone, is it love? when you miss someone, is it love? the moment that you held hands under a starry night, or share each other's spoon on a romantic date, is it love? when you engage in a sexual act together, is it love?
Probably yes, but could be more of an infatuation.
Every one of us has this need and urge to feel appreciated, liked, noticed and ultimately to feel loved. Would that "kilig feeling" that drives us to work hard, study hard, be nicer to people, enough to tell ourselves that we have actually loved or is loved?
If we have these reasons for love, then maybe...just maybe, we are deluding ourselves. However, love is relative, it is general, it is non-specific. Its more of a word that we connote to something that we actually barely understand. Above all its a feeling.
Through the ages man has made this habit of asking and finding answers. When man became wise enough to ask "what is this feeling i have for that someone", that is the time when love came into view. We put love as an answer, we blamed love for it. If there is anything man is very good at it is blaming. We blame all the time...because we want security. Security from our own guilt feelings that we know something and just couldn't explain it.
I have the same view about love as my friend, not until i went into my first relationship. Everything changed since then, i have become blinded. Maybe what i had before with my three relationships is nothing but an infatuation....and im afraid that it might just only be a state of urgency. I was young then, well until now i am, back then i was so idealistic about love, how it should be or could be. Maybe i was caught in panic when i realized that at age 20, everybody else in the same age bracket are already having dozens of relationships, and i am missing a lot in my life that i grab anything that comes my way without realizing the consequences that could leave me numb and traumatized.
But that is the idea of love...to hurt, to lose, and to be defeated. Then we pick ourselves up, move on, find new love, enjoy new love. If love is but plain and simple, love and forever, it loses its taste. Love is an addiction, something that once we pop we cant stop, or in a lighter analogy, something that once erected we masturbate (ok, this is too much...erase erase). Anyway, the quest for true love, for the ultimate love, is what drives us all to better ourselves. I don't beleive that it comes with age or the time spent between two people to find out if it is trully love, nor can we compare it to something that jesus did when he died on the cross because its a whole new different story all together, but i still believe love can happen now. it knows no time, boundaries or criterion.
It doesnt make less of a love when a relationship didn't last for 43 years, just the same as we dont just live each day at a time but count our blessings as well, in love, it is the quality of effort you put, the happy and sad moments spent, the feeling invested, and the completeness of the two of you that matters, whether you have just spend 3 months together or a lifetime.
I would still call love as love. maybe one thing that could change, and that would be my view on it. i would still say "i love you" to the one i feel the most, it wouldnt matter. Coz, i still think it more romantic to add "i love you" after the "thank you for coming to my life".
Lets all together now.....aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how we define love...it is still love...we just have to use it wisely...
on that cue Mr. DJ please play this song for me by Jars of Clay...Show you love hehehe
Speak-
say the words that no one else will ever say
Love-
love like the world we know is over in a day
say the words that no one else will ever say
Love-
love like the world we know is over in a day
I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before
You're beautiful
and I'm weakened by the force of Your eyes
so shine bright to separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love
So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions
or walk an angry sea
this is the cost of being free
I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before
*** i first heard this at the concert (coz i dont get to listen to the radio), and its just the best romantic song that i would probably sing for my love.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Thursday, March 03, 2005
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