they say dreams are reflections of our subconscious mind....
these past few weeks i had trouble sleeping (this is proof), and i had two consecutive nightmares that jolts me out of my bed (like in those movies hon di ba?). first i had this dream where i invited my hon on a family reunion held at my lola's place. as i was about to bring him the desert, my honey was gone. i asked my lola about my hon's whereabout and she just said that he went to davao and left me a note saying he has an asthma attack and afraid i might contract the same. i hurriedly drove down the airport crying still with the desert at my hand. second dream, i was incidentally, through an UTZ, became pregnant and the baby is dead. the twist is, the opening of my uterus is not in line with my external opening (i hate to say vagina coz i dont like vaginas). i was a candidate for a CS however there are too many patients at OM that i had to be scheduled as an elective. another fear is that i had to be CP cleared and since im a smoker, i have a decreased lung capacity, and all sorts of scenarios have come into play.
in all those dreams i woke up feeling dazed, and glad it wasnt true. i cannot attribute my dreams to one single etiology. perhaps, my wanting to have a child or give my husband our own child could be a source of my "pseudopregnant IUFD dream", or my fear that my husband leaving me might have been the source of the former dream i had titled "park and ride" (and i assume all these dreams would have aptly been titled hehehe). i guess im feeling stressed out with this board preparations. to be honest, im in a panic mode.
at the beginning of the review, i still have my pace, i attend my classes, i enjoy the class. but now it feels like im charging in too slow or perhaps too fast. eventhough i have already finished reading the entire High yield IM book last weekend, it seemd to me that nothing has been retained. that nothing that i can do would suffice.
going to st. jude every thurs helped a lot though. seeing people with the same need, the same longingness, the same hardship all together in one gathering made me realize im not the only one. im thankful for a loving partner who takes care of me when i cant care for myself. i miss him so much though.
the burden of the board exam simply rests on me... no one is ever prepared for exams like this. one is neither too prepared or too lax. we are all in that state where nerves sets in.
lastly, i hate the idea that i cant sleep when i wanted too but easily fall asleep when i should not.
No comments:
Post a Comment