Just a Fallback

i wanted to find a deeper reason for my break-up, and looking for it i got tired until two sundays ago, i recieved a text from my ex's supposed ex. well the gist of the things i found out was the truth that, even during the time and before the time me and my ex were hitting the love train, there was him and my ex already riding the waves of conscious amygdala of emotions and rage since fights between them are as common as blue berries on a cheesecake.

and i quote my ex's bf:

"naging kme nov 1, i moved into there place nove 6. i dont blame him kung nagsinungaling sya kse it wasnt your(me) fault in the first place. partly i am to be blamed kse we came to apoint na away kme ng away and lagi ko sya hinahamon ng break up so parang just in case ma2loy may fallback sya. dats wat he told me when i asked him why he fooled around"

so there...all those times, all those efforts (even in the littlest measurement of time ihave given) have all gone into waste.

that explains the reason why he doesnt care if i collapse of hypoglycemia from studying, or why he doesnt want to pick me up after school unmindful of the fact that he has lots of time to do so, or why he gave me a bag of cornnick (sweetcorn from ilocos) as a gift for our 1st monthsary in return for the ring i gave him.

its all gone now...its all so clear to me now. the very first time i actually put an effort on something bumped me in the head so hard and so painful that it caused hemorrhage between my skul and dura mater.

i logged in to friendster today, and i saw my ex's profile as those who's birthday have yetto pass soon...i opened it, and saw a testimonial of his bf and a picture of the two of them in what seemed to be a very happy moment.

i shrugged...i squirmed...i wanted to cry of anger or hatred but its useless. something inthe past cannot undue the present. all i could do is just to stare blankly on my pc, thinkwhat shitty stuff i could write on my blog, and feel the bitterness drowning me from theinside.

there's nothing i could do. there's simply nothing there for me. i don't know how to fight

i guess i have to be contented with smoking my lungs out...dying is such a sweet sorrow. living is but a painful job. but im happy...i really am. nobody knows this but there is a nineth beatitude...

"don't take pitty on the bitter-broken-hearted for they are just as loved"