frustrations

how many times does a normal person gets to have that one night where he would just think and feel like things are moving slowly and that hes just standing still.... this is one of those nights.

i helplessly twist and turn in my bed trying to catch some sleep but all i that i was able to do was initiate that conscious mind where realizations come into play. i got up, and bought 2 bottles of beer. most people who have such a predicament would resort into talking to someone or having a drink with someone, but i have this habit that whenver i cant handle things i tend to become isolated. ergo... i drink alone. in my room. blogging.

tonight i got to think of a lot of things. frustrations as they it is. but what really bothers me are the fears that i might not be able to get out of it alive. hmmmm... the beer tastes so good. anyway, there are so much in me that makes me frustrated. so damn many that i cant identify them one by one.

family. later this day, ara, jern, and sheng hitched a ride with me until sucat. on the way, ara and i were talking. i asked his father, tito atoy, if ever he would be willing to be a ninong in my wedding. he immediately said yes. infact he was so eager that he kept on telling ara that if canada would be a great place to get married since its legal there. he also said to ara that he would be proud to be my ninong since he already treats me as his own. but the sad part of it is that, he also said that it would have been best if i tell my parents all about it. he said "iba pa rin pag may blessing ng magulang". how i wish. e baka di pa nga sila pumunta. sometimes i wish that my dad is more open minded to things like tito atoy is. perhaps maybe its easy for tito atoy since im not his son. but nevertheless, the idea of telling my parents all about me bothers me. how am i suppose to tell them? is there a right time for me to tell them? how should i tell them? sometimes i wish my mom knows everything. i wanted to confide on her whenever my husband gets angry with me. id like to share all those kilig moments i have with my husband. it would have been so great of a feeling knowing that you could confide to the person who was there from the beginning.

friends. aside from my groupmates i seldom see them. i dont know but i tend to reserve all my time to my lover than to my friends when im comitted. i dont know if its a bad thing to do, but i do it unconsciously. i procastinate on gimiks not involving my love. is there a proper way of balancing everything out? it seems so hard. i tend to make plans with my friends in those times that my husband would be free. i feel like it wouldnt be that fun without him to be only just with my friends. i miss pam, nina, wapi, jayson, pau, tim, margaux, ice, andrea, mike... people who have made me happy during those times that i was struggling with my emotions. help....

husband. i dont know the rightful way of loving. people say to be like this, be like that... its not easy. the only way i know how to love is by following whats inside of me. but too much of it hurts my husband. sometimes i feel like im hurting him rather than loving him. i rationalize things and realized there maybe something in me thats wrong. i am selfish. i think of only myself. i tend to seek tremendous attention. im a brat maybe. but as slowly as i realize all these things, i tend to be overly careful. i dont want to lose my husband. sometimes im afraid to tell words that might be misinterpreted. the least that i would want to happen is even my "lambing" be converted to an irritant. someone once told me that i was demanding. i guess that is true. but what is demanding anyway? my friend nina told me last year that in a relationship, both have the right to demand... but the question is, is there a proper way to demand? im confused.... bottom line i love my husband. i would do everything not to lose him. in every relationship that i had, i have always think that we would end up forever. but sad truth is forever becomes an understatement as they tend to give you up. but with my husband, hes different. he may have a wild temperament but at the end of the day he comes back to me. unlike my past relationships where i used to dream of forever, with him, he dreams of forever the same way that i do. and that alone made me love him more.

i love my husband... i would love to give him more of me....


14 by silent sanctuary

Inaayos ko ang iyong isipan
Ngunit hindi ka nakikinig
Lahat na ng bagay ay aking ginawa ngunit
Wala parin

Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin na
Wala nang kwentang nakaraan
Pero iyong pinipilit

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Lagi na lang tayong nag-aaway
Kahit di dapat pag-awayan
Tuwing ika'y lumuluha ako'y nasasaktan
Pag nakikita kang ganyan

Sige na, tahan na, dahil mahal na mahal kita
Ikaw lang kasi, maniwala ka

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Pero bakit ganyan
Tayo ay napaglalaruan
Siguro nga'y sadyang ganyan

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Ibibigay ko ang lahat
Pati na rin ang 'yong pangarap
Sasamahan kita kahit saan
Kahit saan

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling