what to do in a lazy night but to blog my heart out

i dont know why but i feel lonely tonight... much because of the fact that my love's last text was around 3pm, the other reason still i dont know. tuloy i had the urge to stay online and re-read for the nth time my blog from the 1st entry upto the present. as much as i enjoy reminiscing, i hate the feeling that you cant do anything to combat your loneliness. and whats even bothering is that whenever im lonely i think of so many things, so many bad things, so many negative vibes.

i have so much insecurities in me and i dont know how to handle them or i dont know if im handling them well. many think that i dont even have one coz of how i project to them. at the hospital, they thought im good coz i dont falter, and others think im heartless coz i dont squirm. but the truth is, behind my heart cries a doctor who sometimes dont know what to do, some doctor who knows he can do something but just cant.

with love, many people are witness to my ups and downs. im very transparent with my friends when im in love or when im hurt. but most of the times, i keep everything to myself. i dont tell them all my insecurities nor how much i am hurt until that time comes when i just couldnt handle it. i dont know if im doing the right thing, if im giving it out all too much, or am i just being too overwhelmed by something long have i not felt but wanted and now i have. i cannot converge the fact that while i seem to be pretty much in control of everything, deep inside me cries attention. it screams with such longing everytime im missed out. sometimes i want to bang my head on the wall coz its only him thats in my mind, only him i think about. but then again, i stop. coz him in my mind gives me a rush of serotonin and it makes me happy. i care for him so much... even much more then i care for myself. before i care for myself alone but now i care for myself for him. if this isnt a rightful way of loving i dont know what is.

i am not perfect and maybe i will not ever, but looking through my imperfections and loving it would make me greater than perfect.

and now my phone alarmed for what i expected a text msg... turned out to be a balance inquiry i sent out hours ago but came in late... im so missing my love....