glenda, one of my co-intern, was humming makulay ang buhay sa sinabawang gulay... bu instead she put it... makulay ang buhay sa kabilang buhay. i burst out laughing. until now it sticks in my head. damn jingle! haha!
im tired... really really tired
im tired of life. im tired of my internship, im tired of worrying about stuffs like myself. im afraid im not happy as i thought i would be. they say in work, one of the reasons why people quit their job is when they finally realized that theyre not happy anymore. as for me, being in a benign hospital, i thought i could have time for everything. well yes, i do have time, but sometimes those plenty of time i cant manage. i have lots of it, but i cant spend it. often i think i should have gone back to OM where everything is fast paced, where i wouldnt mind time and day, and dates. where i wouldnt feel lonely doing my duty. im tired feeling lonely. at the end of the day i would dream i was working in an office, walking the streets of makati, earning quite a sum of money for something i wouldnt consider as work. maybe just maybe, had i been working and earning now, i would have been more loved. proximity wise i would have more time to spend with you. it kills me when i think of all these things,
im not stable... im full of anxiety and i need to be comforted...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
batch consciousness : tsismis
early lunch today, i attended the christening of the cute son of our barkada. it was a sort of mini reunion for our barkada, from tito tim to karen, those people we hardly get to have time to meet. the reception was at kamayan's buffet. the food was delicious as i lavishingly ate the inihaw na liempo and greedingly munched on the lechon skin. at 2:30 i got my car from the valet and hurried home to take a shower (coz i attended the party with my from duty attire), then went directly at MOA to get my phone fixed.
i was to pick the phone after an hour at Nokia's service center, i decided to spend that hour at dream coffee and watch people go by as i devour smoke from my cigarrette. as boredom engulfs me, i come to think of a lot of things. Maybe our batch HAS its consciousness. i mean, we thrive from tsismis like sino nabuntis ni ganto, or sino nakipaghiwalay, or sino lumipat ng ibang hospital or sino nagpalaglag.. everytime we meet up its either we relive the memories of the past or we dwell on the present through tsismis. in fact one tsismis is yet to be true coz more investigations from ara and pam are on its way. hehehe.
waiting has always been my expertise. it doesnt mean i have patience, but its more of like curiosity of whats gonna happen next. so as i sat and watch people go by i can't help but feel alone. well, literary i was then, but seriously, it bothers me that im just still. that i feel trapped in my own box, haunted by my own fear. its a feeling like you want to say something but someone says to wait. wait for that time that maybe hope has things in store for me. stupid as it might sound but i like to get to hope at things that to some people are hopeless. in my life, i have learned the value of hope. that changes are what people are good of, and that change will determine how we accept things that come along our way. its a measure of our decisive strength and our willingness to be happy in the end.
does hoping for a perfect relationship farfetch? how long should you wait for love to actually take the good side of change? does love have to really change afterall?
im so missing you
i was to pick the phone after an hour at Nokia's service center, i decided to spend that hour at dream coffee and watch people go by as i devour smoke from my cigarrette. as boredom engulfs me, i come to think of a lot of things. Maybe our batch HAS its consciousness. i mean, we thrive from tsismis like sino nabuntis ni ganto, or sino nakipaghiwalay, or sino lumipat ng ibang hospital or sino nagpalaglag.. everytime we meet up its either we relive the memories of the past or we dwell on the present through tsismis. in fact one tsismis is yet to be true coz more investigations from ara and pam are on its way. hehehe.
waiting has always been my expertise. it doesnt mean i have patience, but its more of like curiosity of whats gonna happen next. so as i sat and watch people go by i can't help but feel alone. well, literary i was then, but seriously, it bothers me that im just still. that i feel trapped in my own box, haunted by my own fear. its a feeling like you want to say something but someone says to wait. wait for that time that maybe hope has things in store for me. stupid as it might sound but i like to get to hope at things that to some people are hopeless. in my life, i have learned the value of hope. that changes are what people are good of, and that change will determine how we accept things that come along our way. its a measure of our decisive strength and our willingness to be happy in the end.
does hoping for a perfect relationship farfetch? how long should you wait for love to actually take the good side of change? does love have to really change afterall?
im so missing you
Thursday, July 05, 2007
people are life's consolation
i started my internship at MCM with my close friends, batchmates, and soulmates, we were roughly around 20 PLM-OM graduates, the most number who entered in one training hospital . Two weeks at the beginning of the training, one left for a call she got at PGH. Ok, it wasn't a big of a deal, since we barely spent too much time together. after a month, another one of us got a call from PGH, and that other one has been my classmate since 1st year med. it was really hard for all of us who was left to actually admit the fact that she's gone. Just like that. in fairness to her, i knew she had a hard time deciding on that matter and hopefully (as i believe it is) a choice she thought of over and over again. Now after two months, one rotation has ended, here comes another call from PGH. this time they made a call to someone i regard of as "Kababata", since we practically saw each other grow up in med school. it was quick, stabbering and big disappointment for all of us. the idea that no one in our batch are quitters made everything just as hurtful. maybe he was right, he didnt quit he just moved on. and that was the time that i realized and we all realized that while we saw each other grow up, graduate and put MD's on our name, still the truth of the matter is in medicine, friends and companions are just but bonuses in our career, that we all have to stand on our own practice, that meaningful memories of the past will only be stories that are fun to be recalled but can never be again repeated. sad.
what's with PGH? What's with UP? why the hell do they call up people whom they have turned down initially just to fill up the slots of those they have accepted and quit eventually? i hate PGH for their misdiagnosis of patients and now im hating them for pirating!
i don't know why it was that hurtful, or why it has been that hard to admit. was it because i thought of the utopic idea that we'd all train together and practice together just like we were inside the four walls of our classroom? or was it because im too scared to be left alone? am i being too idealistic? selfish maybe? why is it not bothersome to me that the rest of my batchmates chose different hospitals but i react this way with people leaving now? am i too immature to handle life's reality?
medicine is our life, and it is my life. and just like life itself, i've been left by people, unconsciously and consciously. whether subtle or succinct. being left by people in my past has and always put a scar in my heart. that it makes me hang on to people i have in the present more than i would have done had they been in my past. it scares me being too obssesive. it frightens me that the only way i know to build myself up was to bring people close to me more closer that i forget my own identity. i will not know when my strength will ever become tangible. im in that phase in my life that i have to dicate the turn of my destiny, and still i barely have any idea how it will work.
sometimes i think the reason why people leave me or forget me is because they know i wouldnt with them. that they are too confident that i don't have the guts to actually do what they did. and yes, im that kind of person. always there, always present. one wish, one favor and i succumb. maybe im using it to my disadvantage or im letting people take the advantage.
with people leaving, people forgetting, people not remembering, i should by now get used to. its a matter of keeping in tune with reality. it hurts when people you love doesnt remember you when they are all too busy with life. it pains me to realize that im not part of their life afterall.
i just wish that someday, as we all grow old together the batch consciousness that we have come to protect all these years will still be the legacy we will pass on to those eager PLM-OM graduates.
what's with PGH? What's with UP? why the hell do they call up people whom they have turned down initially just to fill up the slots of those they have accepted and quit eventually? i hate PGH for their misdiagnosis of patients and now im hating them for pirating!
i don't know why it was that hurtful, or why it has been that hard to admit. was it because i thought of the utopic idea that we'd all train together and practice together just like we were inside the four walls of our classroom? or was it because im too scared to be left alone? am i being too idealistic? selfish maybe? why is it not bothersome to me that the rest of my batchmates chose different hospitals but i react this way with people leaving now? am i too immature to handle life's reality?
medicine is our life, and it is my life. and just like life itself, i've been left by people, unconsciously and consciously. whether subtle or succinct. being left by people in my past has and always put a scar in my heart. that it makes me hang on to people i have in the present more than i would have done had they been in my past. it scares me being too obssesive. it frightens me that the only way i know to build myself up was to bring people close to me more closer that i forget my own identity. i will not know when my strength will ever become tangible. im in that phase in my life that i have to dicate the turn of my destiny, and still i barely have any idea how it will work.
sometimes i think the reason why people leave me or forget me is because they know i wouldnt with them. that they are too confident that i don't have the guts to actually do what they did. and yes, im that kind of person. always there, always present. one wish, one favor and i succumb. maybe im using it to my disadvantage or im letting people take the advantage.
with people leaving, people forgetting, people not remembering, i should by now get used to. its a matter of keeping in tune with reality. it hurts when people you love doesnt remember you when they are all too busy with life. it pains me to realize that im not part of their life afterall.
i just wish that someday, as we all grow old together the batch consciousness that we have come to protect all these years will still be the legacy we will pass on to those eager PLM-OM graduates.
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