rapid eye movement

i got awaken this evening with the thought that an earthquake is rocking my bed only to find out that its my heart palpitating. and now i cant sleep my head off. i hate when these things happen. you wanted to sleep... youre in good sleep actually then all of a sudden youd wake up (probably thought of something instantaneously or by a text or call on your mobile) then realizing it wasnt a big of a deal, you decide to sleep again but the universe conspires for you to have trouble getting back in.

something IS bothering me. it has already been close to a year since my last relationship, and i know i shouldnt be blogging about these kinds of stuffs here all over again. nevertheless theres no one to talk to about it. i miss having someone. i come to think of it, i NEVER had a relationship in the first place. none that you cud call "long-term". it bothers me that as much as i wanted to have one, the more it becomes allusive. countless times this year ive been to that point of falling in love (and god knows how easily i am to fall), but for some sort of reason they either ran away from me or something in them that in the course of our acquaintance is prone to having PD's.

i dont know if the problem is with me or with them. i dont suppose im that bad looking (well i may not have the body or the face of a celebrity). i've always told myself that whatever my looks "lacks", my personality can compensate (much more my brain). but most of the time its not always the case. as what ive come to learn, not all people would like to have a "book" as a partner, or a "house-on-the-back" kinda guy as a bf, and much worse an "insecure-freakazoid" as a lover. people like "good-looking metrosexual" guys whos up for various activities per-se. though there are a few who dig guys like "me", but sooner or later theyd disappear like bubbles would in the air. funny coz if guys like me where infectious and contagious even, we cud have killed many with toll deaths equal to the tsunami victims.

i wonder where cud those "real" men be? or am i just not ready for him? questions remain to bother me, and comprise about one-third of my incapacity to get into sleep quickly. my ARAS center is hyperfunctioning again.

if only there's a way to actually find answers to common questions like what i have...