my nana's christmas wish

i just arrived home from our xmas getaway togther with my nana. dami ko dala, gifts for my nana, for his nephews and niece, toys for kuya jing's son (adopted child na namin ng nana), chocolates for my nana who always have a sweet tooth for anything, danish cookies (last resort ko to kse wala pala fita biscuits sa duty free).

my nana bought me 10 gifts, a polo from g2000, kenneth cole signature perfume, accacapa cologne, a trodat with ink, toronto cap, vintage wine for my parents, caps and shirts for my male residents, and a toy for margaux's son, but the best of it all is the OMEGA seadiver's watch in rose gold. grabe sobrang dami ng gift ng nana ko. nahiya tuloy ako. kse yung gift ko sa kanya accacapa din na cologne. hahaha. bawi na lang ako sa bday mo nana. hehehe. sorry paula ang onti ng bigay sakin ng asawa ko. tsk! hahahaha



this is the 1st xmas where i recieved tons of gifts. the other day while me and my family were going home from MOA, my dad commented "ang pasko para na lang tlga sa mga bata". i sighed and just kept quiet. i realized now that there's no reason to equate xmas with kids coz i felt like a kid again opening gifts from my nana. i was elated. i knew nana spent a lot na naman for me though he kept on telling me to be thrifty coz we will be moving out soon to our own home. thank you nana.

above all else the best gift i have ever recieved was my nana himself. he continues to be the best husband anyone could have. his care and his utmost sincerity with his love always makes me proud that i finally met someone like him. a lot of people say im too lucky to have him. i say, he's too lucky he got me. hahaha. and i declare that fact. di ba nana? hahaha. i could not ask for anything more this christmas. i have everything i need. i have a life full of love, a relationship built on trust, fidelity and understanding, and a husband that is priceless. thank you nana for eveything. saying i love you, thanking you would not account to match the love you have been giving me, the only thing that i can assure you of is that im always here for you, for all ways and always. i love you so dearly. i miss you already.

pictures 2

pictures

holiday happy days

i have always had a grudge with christmas and the holiday season. why? since childhood i barely recall one happy christmas. i was sickly back then and i dont know for such reason why sickness always come on christmas season. i even have pictures where all of my family were in nice dresses and me in my pajamas coz im bedridden. sigh. its either i was sick or my parents werent home for christmas. medicine life came and i was even more exhausted with christmas. last year during my internship, due to my depression, i aggreed to take all eve duties, christmas eve and new years eve. it was an eye opener for me. it was hard going through work during those times but i have managed to enjoyed it though. i remember, last year's new years eve, i was alone in the male quarters at the 11th floor, watching all the fire works and smoking through our window, wishing that a stray bullet would come and hit me right then. bad thought i know but honestly i was hoping it would happen just to know how many people would come to my rescue. hehehe. i was too morbid back then.

this year is a whole lot different. 2008 had been good to me. its the year i got my liscence, the year i finally decided how my life would go as a physician and the year were i feel so complete coz of my nana. this is the first christmas i would be spending with someone i love. i was bargaining with nina to give me the christmas duty so that i could have more time with my nana but i guess her need was more than i wanted. right now im enjoying my vacation. a week long vacation may seem to be too little time to spend with family, friends and nana. i hope i could extend more.

nana and i are on our 10th month, going 11th, on febuary we'll turn a year. so fast. i still remember all the first times. the chat, the call, the meet up. i never thought we'd end up together and stay this long. honestly, i was dying to be his bf eversince i met him. di ko lang pinahalata ng masyado na patay na patay ako sa kanya. hahaha. many people say ang swerte ko sa asawa ko. maalaga, sweet, mapagmahal. he never left me all throughout my first months in residency. he would always make time to see me at work, bring me foods and just recently sponsored our door prizes for our christmas party which to every people's delight was a sold out. i know i have much to thank God for giving him to me. his pure heart who always extend to people in need always makes me proud. i have never met someone who's heart is always geared towards other people's need that sometimes he sacrifices himself to a certaing degree. i wonder how he can put up with all of this, that's why i stay away from pressuring him. i always try to give him support and unconditional love which i hope reaches him even in the littlest measurement. its right when people say that with having a relationship every priorities you have will change. now, i always make it a point that my nana know where i am, who im with and what im doing, my decisions are without his opinion. i value my nana so much that i consider him my life.

this morning, my nana got troubled when their househelp screamed that his dog was dead. imagine him crying while brushing his teeth (eksena sa teleserye ng evagina fondle) tapus lumabas sya ng nakatapis, na pinagtinginan sya ng mga tao na kumakagat kagat pa ng labi. di pala dead si doggy, labas lang ang dila at mukhang nag hypogly lang, so my nana got relieved. i guess dun nakuha ng nana ang galing nya sa pag alaga sakin (aso ako e), at ang galing ko sa pagmamahal ng amo ko. hahaha. di naman ako lumalaban sau nana di ba? tsk! love ko yang nana ko.

this christmas, i dont have much to wish but for my nana's happiness, that God would always bring him blessings, in his work and to his family. that God always bring him good health. i love him so much that i cannot afford to lose him. thank you nana for always sharing your life with me, for keeping up with me all through these times, may it be hard time or those happy times. thank you for loving my family and friends. thank you for being part of my life. thank you for making me feel special this christmas and in everyday. i don't want to lose you. i cant wait to be with you in one house. i promise to take care of you and to love you for more years to come.

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Say You'll Never Go

How can I make it through the day
Without you
You have been so much a part of me
(and if you'll go)
I'll never know what to do
How can I carry on my way
The memories
When all that is left is the pain of my history
Why should I live my life today

I cannot live out on my own
And just forget the love you've always shown
And accept the fate of my condition
Please don't ever go
For I cannot live my life alone

CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away

How can I make my dreams come true
Without you
You were the one who gave love to me
(And don't you know)
You are my fantasy

I cannot live out on my own
(I can't do anything at all)
And just forget the love you've always shown
And accept the fate of my condition

Please don't ever go
For I cannot live my life alone

CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away

(Instrumental)

CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away

what would life has to offer

earlier this morning i joined a small medical mission in paranaque. i really didnt want to go since i know how toxic a medical mission is and the fact that it is raining. i was already envisioning myself soaking wet mixed in perspiration and rain. i didnt hurry myself getting dressed, coz i know for a fact that the people i will be with would be coming in late more than i am. so i arrived at the place a good 45 minutes earlier and as expected my collegues were late. thus giving me time to eat at 711. i miss their hotdog sandwich. it was my staple food when i was an intern at MCM. the medical mission started at around 9:30, we finished by 11:00, and i had a total 20 patients seen. funny coz one of my patients commented that i look 25. for the first time, someone looked at me being younger than my age (my average age was 28-30). she told me that i look happy-go-lucky, someone without a care in the world and masarap kausap. going through my morning was painful, i was relived she had such a comment about me, i just realized magaling pa pala ako magtago ng emotions ko. hehehehe.

when i got back, after a few exhachange of texts from by nana, he told me to get some sleep. which i did. a dream woke me up. in my dream, i was given a sunday duty by my chief resident for not informing her that i would be going directly to the medical mission, and that my husband got frustrated since we were bound to go somewhere else. i was crying and crying. and texted my nani about my dream.

lately i feel that ang dami kong hang-ups sa buhay. i cannot blame anyone else but me, which makes me more frustrated lately. minsan gusto kong pukpukin ang ulo ko sa kung anu anung pumapasok sa utak ko. i have so many things that i would want to do but i cant. or i have the time to spend but its limited. doc pia said the other day, that as i grow older, as i proceed with my residency, i should be wiser enough to take all the pressures. she said in residency there will come a time that in the middle of it all youd question yourself of your worth. the bad thing is im just starting and im already questioning myself. maybe im too busy hurrying things up that i cant wait for things to finish.

the other day, my nani and i had a talk about life and work. i myself also have my share of pressure moments. im pressured about work. everyday, at work, at this early point, i feel that i have to do better, that i have to prove more to my seniors and consultants. one duty, doc aimee, doc lea, doc jim and i were chatting, and laughing, making jokes, when one specific joke was put on me: "kaya kita tinanggap kse wala na ko mapili". i knew it was a joke and i was made to beleive that it was. but i also knew it was half true when i entered the department, we were 4 pre-res that applied. slowly the others disintegrated and i was the only one left standing. and nina came and i had a batchmate. there are times when i feel like i dont belong. especially when the consultants are there. but my nani kept telling me that i didnt entered training to make friends. he is right. but of course, there are still moments that i feel outcasted, that all my moves are being monitored, my language limited.

im glad my husband has always been there for me. without him i guess im left broken. last friday he came to visit me at work and brought me foods and "grocery showcase" hehehe. i really appreciate him. i know he feels that im too hard to please but even without the visits, even if only our communication is through text and phone conversation, i want to let him know that i am contented. though there are tantrums i make coz we havent spent time together longer as i would like us to be, but all those were just lambing. i dont mean in any way pressure my nani with that. actually, i am the one more pressured coz my nani has been doing all the efforts and i feel that i dont. i want to reciprocate all his deeds and all the things he gives but i feel i can do only so much. i want to pick him up from work, drive him home (i dont mind having not enough sleep driving, ive done that before and im willing to do the same with him), bring him food for lunch, take him out to dinner were i would be paying, giving him all that he needs. im praying to God every night that i make my husband happy. i await that day that i would be of service to my husband everyday once we get our own place. when i told doc pia about our plans to live together she said mahirap yun. i asked why. she said "pag nagsama kau di mo na mabibili mga gusto mo kse most of your salary will be used to keep the two of you stable". i just said im willing to do that coz in the first place di naman ako maluhong tao. i dont even buy clothes often and only when i needed it. right now, im trying to be thrifty. my nani gave me money and im bound to save it. though little i still want to share. wierd nga lang kse parang babalik lang sa kanya yung money. hehehe.

as i grow older, im slowly realizing that life isnt rountinary, that it is hard. i now beleive margaux and tim. there were the ones who matured more earlier than i am. i guess bata pa nga tlaga ako. madami pa ko dapat intindihin sa buhay. but i will not get my age be a hinder to my growth. im just hoping that throughout my growth i still have my nani beside me. wala nang dapat pang makinabang and makasaksi sa growth ko as a person but my asawa. coz all my life is all about him.

i love you hon.

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i was rummaging my friendster messages and i came across my nani's msgs way back february and march:
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you look so damn great sa pics mo....swerte ko talaga sa asawa ko...gwapo na, matalino pa, sweet pa, sexy pa at napaka mapagmahal....love you so much my honey, my asawa! - 3/13/08
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Hi Hon. I just finished reading your blog entries from feb to september 2007. It's 12:53am in my laptop clock. Just want you to know that the more I learn about the things that youve been through for the past year of your life, the deeper i get into this emotion called LOVE. Im sorry if I tend to be bratty when it comes to issues regarding your past bf. I guess im just being insecure coz I know you spent a hell lot more time with him compared to the days that we have been "dating" hehehe....One thing is for sure.. I want to make more memories with you.I mean BETTER memories.And I want to make it a point that what we have right now will be our last relationship.Sana ito na hinahanap natin pareho. I will be here to support you in all your endeavors. I know youll make it through in the board exams coz God knows our plans. He knows our desire to be of help to those who are in need, like Kuya Jing. Thank you for being so compassionate to those who are not as lucky as we are...
If i have to live my life all over again, I'd still choose to meet someone like you.And would definitely choose to love you over and over again...
I love you with all my heart.

hon mo - 3/1/08
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Im still awake...thanks for forwarding the lyrics of YOU And I...
Just want you to know that i'm still in high heavens coz I never thought that Ill find someone in the most unusual room. hehehe...thanks for being you....wala na ko hahanapin pa dahil nasa yo na lahat ng hinahanap ko like looks, intellect, sense of humor, compassionate, affectionate ( and of course, the ultimate, the virginity, waaaaaahhh)..hope you wont change....
i love you with all my heart.

honey mo - 2/10/08

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