frustrations

how many times does a normal person gets to have that one night where he would just think and feel like things are moving slowly and that hes just standing still.... this is one of those nights.

i helplessly twist and turn in my bed trying to catch some sleep but all i that i was able to do was initiate that conscious mind where realizations come into play. i got up, and bought 2 bottles of beer. most people who have such a predicament would resort into talking to someone or having a drink with someone, but i have this habit that whenver i cant handle things i tend to become isolated. ergo... i drink alone. in my room. blogging.

tonight i got to think of a lot of things. frustrations as they it is. but what really bothers me are the fears that i might not be able to get out of it alive. hmmmm... the beer tastes so good. anyway, there are so much in me that makes me frustrated. so damn many that i cant identify them one by one.

family. later this day, ara, jern, and sheng hitched a ride with me until sucat. on the way, ara and i were talking. i asked his father, tito atoy, if ever he would be willing to be a ninong in my wedding. he immediately said yes. infact he was so eager that he kept on telling ara that if canada would be a great place to get married since its legal there. he also said to ara that he would be proud to be my ninong since he already treats me as his own. but the sad part of it is that, he also said that it would have been best if i tell my parents all about it. he said "iba pa rin pag may blessing ng magulang". how i wish. e baka di pa nga sila pumunta. sometimes i wish that my dad is more open minded to things like tito atoy is. perhaps maybe its easy for tito atoy since im not his son. but nevertheless, the idea of telling my parents all about me bothers me. how am i suppose to tell them? is there a right time for me to tell them? how should i tell them? sometimes i wish my mom knows everything. i wanted to confide on her whenever my husband gets angry with me. id like to share all those kilig moments i have with my husband. it would have been so great of a feeling knowing that you could confide to the person who was there from the beginning.

friends. aside from my groupmates i seldom see them. i dont know but i tend to reserve all my time to my lover than to my friends when im comitted. i dont know if its a bad thing to do, but i do it unconsciously. i procastinate on gimiks not involving my love. is there a proper way of balancing everything out? it seems so hard. i tend to make plans with my friends in those times that my husband would be free. i feel like it wouldnt be that fun without him to be only just with my friends. i miss pam, nina, wapi, jayson, pau, tim, margaux, ice, andrea, mike... people who have made me happy during those times that i was struggling with my emotions. help....

husband. i dont know the rightful way of loving. people say to be like this, be like that... its not easy. the only way i know how to love is by following whats inside of me. but too much of it hurts my husband. sometimes i feel like im hurting him rather than loving him. i rationalize things and realized there maybe something in me thats wrong. i am selfish. i think of only myself. i tend to seek tremendous attention. im a brat maybe. but as slowly as i realize all these things, i tend to be overly careful. i dont want to lose my husband. sometimes im afraid to tell words that might be misinterpreted. the least that i would want to happen is even my "lambing" be converted to an irritant. someone once told me that i was demanding. i guess that is true. but what is demanding anyway? my friend nina told me last year that in a relationship, both have the right to demand... but the question is, is there a proper way to demand? im confused.... bottom line i love my husband. i would do everything not to lose him. in every relationship that i had, i have always think that we would end up forever. but sad truth is forever becomes an understatement as they tend to give you up. but with my husband, hes different. he may have a wild temperament but at the end of the day he comes back to me. unlike my past relationships where i used to dream of forever, with him, he dreams of forever the same way that i do. and that alone made me love him more.

i love my husband... i would love to give him more of me....


14 by silent sanctuary

Inaayos ko ang iyong isipan
Ngunit hindi ka nakikinig
Lahat na ng bagay ay aking ginawa ngunit
Wala parin

Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin na
Wala nang kwentang nakaraan
Pero iyong pinipilit

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Lagi na lang tayong nag-aaway
Kahit di dapat pag-awayan
Tuwing ika'y lumuluha ako'y nasasaktan
Pag nakikita kang ganyan

Sige na, tahan na, dahil mahal na mahal kita
Ikaw lang kasi, maniwala ka

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Pero bakit ganyan
Tayo ay napaglalaruan
Siguro nga'y sadyang ganyan

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

Ibibigay ko ang lahat
Pati na rin ang 'yong pangarap
Sasamahan kita kahit saan
Kahit saan

Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako'y papiliin ikaw ay umasang
Gusto kong makapiling

DAP DARAP DAP DAP LOVE KO 'TO!

i was happy, i was able to spend my long weekend with my asawa. with the help of my very good friend ara, we stayed at the Development Academy of the Philippines (DAP), c/o tita sally who gave us a cheap price for the suite room. the room was spacious, with a living room, a queen size bed, a walk in closet and a bathroom equipped with hot and cold shower. the only catch is we have to drive to the city proper to eat and the coffee costs 40 pesos. nevertheless it was all worth it especially spending time with my hon.

during the stay i was able to realize a lot of things. one of which is that i am so lucky to have my honey. the way he would care for me, the way he would carry my bags, arrange our clothes. those simple gestures like getting me a glass of water, the way he would shift to the danger side when we cross the roads, the way he would hold my hand and not being too conscious about it, the way he would lend his jacket just to keep me warm. it always leave me smiling how he would be the one cussing over the pedestrians crossing inssesantly and the cars who would cut lanes in front of me. he does all the dirty driver talking for me. and that saves me time concentrating on the road especially at night. i love it when he complains of walking coz he hates walking. kung pwede lang tlga, pasasakayin ko sya ng wheelchair. i find it cute whenever he makes tantrums. i was suprised he was the one who brought all the toiletries for me even the toothbrush (he knows im a bad backpacker). he even brought boxer shorts for me (ganun ba ako tlga ka bad magpack ng clothes hon?) haha. i love the way he would give me his wallet for me to pay for our bills. he spoils me with my smoking, though often times he would regulate it.

waking up every morning, looking at his lovely, peaceful face, makes me so amazed that he is my husband. he is so gwapo even if he's still too tired to wake up. hugging him all through the night makes me feel so secure, makes me want to stay longer and cherish every bit of it. i love how he would secretly court my mom by buying flowers, foods like danggit, longganisa, stuffs that he orders from people who has been to the travels he should have been to but decided not to because of me. i appreciate him thinking about me whenver he makes a decision.

he is the only one who made plans for me. before i was the only one putting plans on the relationship, but he strenghtens my plans. and i know those plans will come true. i love so much.

thank you for accepting me. for accepting my friends, for loving them. thank you for you have a kind heart to everyone, for helping those who are in need, and i want to share with you the same passion.

he would always ask me how much i love him and if i still do each and every end of the day, and this i say: i love you, you are the reason why i love, and in that reason alone all is answered. i love you so much hon ko! mahal na mahal kita.

a long awaited vacation

January 19, Saturday, 2008, was the day me and my friends are opted to depart manila going to baguio to kickstart our ilocos tour. since our "flight" was not until 11pm, i decided to attend charm's wedding that same night. it was some sort of a reunion, her wedding. everyone in my big biobarkada was there. i was so happy seeing them. i arrived at her rainy wedding night just in time the doors of the church was opened to reveal a stunning lady whom i used to accompany slumping down PLM's corridors to review. that same night i knew we indeed are getting older. I AM GETTING OLDER. anyway, charm already texted me to wear barong for her wedding, but instead i wore a coat and tie that got me mistaken by the wedding coordinator as a "ninong". ganun ba ako katanda? hmp!. anyway, after the ceremony, i lead the convoy to the reception site. i bid farewell to everyone that i cant anymore attend the reception (kahit na sobrang gutom na gutom na ko) since i have a "flight" to catch. so i hurriedly went home, finished my packing and commuted my way to victory liner at pasay where i will be meeting ara, frank, oca and dexter.

the bus departed manila at 12mn and arrived at baguio city at 6am. there we were greeted by ate baby (ara's cousin) whom we would be staying with. we unloaded our packs and went on sight seeing and began our endless "picture taking". it was dexter's first time in baguio kaya medjo starry eyed pa sya. ara had an asthma attack which she attributed to me since i kept on leading them to nowhere. ganun pala yun sa baguio, parang malapit lang kaso habang papalapit ka parang nawawala. situation: we were already hungry that afternoon after a whole day of shopping, we opted to take a snack at SM city. from a far kala ko malapit lang so i told them we can walk, until we realize we have already been walking for 30minutes but di pa kme nakakarating. ara went on hyperventilating na saying that shes having an attack. we rested a bit along the side walk of session while frank hails the taxi. while at the taxi sakin lahat ang sisi. mga kaibigan nga naman! hahaha. anyway, we had coffee at mocha blends and ara (the hyperventilator) suddenly realized wala syang sandals to partner her outfit for tomorrows departure to laoag. so kahit na hinihika pa sya, ayun nag shopping for sandals na di naman din sya nakahanap. we headed home after. while at home, we unpacked our things just to pack them up again to see if our shopping finds can still fit our bags. well lucky it did.

the next morning, due to my insistent demand to buy strawberry, me, ara and dexter headed down to La trinidad, where i wud buy my well travelled strawberry. why well travelled strawberry? youll find out. anyway, we departed baguio monday 4pm to head for laoag where we would meet another friend of ours and co-intern, emmerson.

we arrived at laoag 12mn, oca whos not a fan of long travelling hours immediately commented that it wasnt her idea of a vacation. that earned her a slot in the guiness book of coined phrases as we have made that phrase a household name during our entire trip much to oca's chagrin. hehe. at laoag, we stayed at the DENR headquarters where emer's dad was the PENRO. astig di ba? his dad was also the key for us to venture the whole of laoag the following day. we went to almost everywhere, except the malacanang of the north kse it was late and the people who was bound to serve us lunch in pagudpod was already waiting for us. the highlight of my laoag trip was the windmills of bagui. just like ara said, it was the sight that stopped my clock and left me in awe. which it literally did. i was amazed, i was elated, i was ecstatic.

to be continued....

for other pictures visit: www.flickr.com/enriqpapa

horses, asses, flowers and ygo

just like me: empty frame

ygo: the terrible toddler

looks like a bunch of cocci

holland hehe

kita mo nga naman pati kabayong bakla single

READY YOUR ASS!!!!

kabayo ni ygo!

more ass!!! i love ass!

horses: shy but packs a big ......

How appropiate

this has long been overdue, i havent had the time or should i say i didnt put time into my blogging. its year 2008, the year that me and my highschool friends made a pact to reunite. 10 years has passed since we made the pact.

year 2007 was bittersweet. good coz half of the year was special and half of it was otherwise not so ordinary. as most of my friends know already, I AM SINGLE. just this afternoon, i went back in OM to visit some of my resident friends. i came upon doc peter who for some apparent reason asked:

Doc peter: kamusta na kau ni...?

Me: huh? wala na kme...

Doc peter: nung pinakilala mo sakin? yung gwaping? (kailangan ba tlga may ganun?)

Me: Oo nga... tagal na.

So there i was brought back again to my senses that I AM SINGLE. the rest of the afternoon i spent hanging out with Doc eva, Doc Pia and Doc Lea. I stumbled upon our IM clerk's logbook and together with ara, we reminisced the good ol days.

so what happened to me for the past months i failed to blog?

NOVEMBER

i was rotating at IM, one duty i was paged by the nurses on the 7th floor extension, telling me that my patient was freaking out, complaining that her arms are swelling. Thinking that it was probably some phlebitis, i went downstairs to the patient's room. there i saw my patient, lying supine on her bed, mumbling words i barely understood. i came up to her asked what happened:

Patient: doc lumalaki ako... sasabog ako...

Me: ma'm di ka lumalaki... lumiliit lang kme

my insides wanted to laugh, until she blurted "doc di ako nakikipag biruan sa inyo". then i understood, the patient was having anxiety attack. and you know the main reason? she is afraid that her husband or should i say her live-in partner who at that time was also there, was going to leave her. the patient begged her husband to step out of the room and to have a private talk with me. right there and then i though "shyet she's gonna kill me, or strangle me". well she didnt. but i stayed in her room for half an hour talking about her anxieties. there was one topic about relationships that i controlled myself from crying. she asked me about my lovelife. i told her everything. as in everything. i cant beleive im disclosing myself to a lunatic, yet it really felt good, coz i know she'll forget about it the next time she has an attack. i was so close to crying coz i felt shes so lucky to have someone by her side. thinking the fact that shes not pretty (yes beleive me) and her bf was goodlooking, the idea that her bf was there made me realize that it can happen. stuffs like real love. of course the benefit of the doubt whether or not her bf was cheating on her is always there. anyhow, the struggle between me and my patient came to a halt when i made an alibi that another patient is in need of my care. the funny thing about it was even up to the time the patient was for discharge, she was begging the nurses to look for me. i didnt show up. :)

its really a refreshing feeling to talk to crazy people... you should try.

DECEMBER

our intern's monitor asked what duties would we want for the holiday season. since I AM SINGLE, i immediately chose the eve of both xmas and new year thinking it could save me less efffort being lonely during those times. i was wrong. christmas was so so, i didnt felt too much loneliness, eventhough i didnt get an expected greeting from someone. well i thought it just suppose to be. New year came and it was harder. i mean, New year was my all time fav day of the year. but that eve while on duty, watching the sky lit up, it gave me a sense of sadness. unmindful of people greeting me, i felt like i didnt deserve them. i went down at the ER and joined the people merry making. i got so drunk, we all went outside and howl at every cars and firetrucks. it was fun. for a second i forgot what my loneliness was for.

the following day, frank handed me this article... how appropriate...