a power blackout woke me up this morning. had it been to the sweat running down my forhead and neck i wudnt have awaken. anyhow...the very first feeling i had that morning was frustration. i hate myself of everything that i am. im disappointed of everything in my life. i thought i have learned my lessons. but it seemed to me that im just going in circles. ive always thought that i was just standing still, when in fact i am going nowhere. it bothers me that i havent moved a lot.
this afternoon, i made a phone call to my friend jun. we catched up on things going on with our lives. and i cant help but confide to him about my worries. he told me things that i have already known but failed to notice. i asked him, why is that he could talk to me and give me advice about my life eventhough he's straight and barely know the culture that i am in. he told me,
'im frustrated when it comes with love, the idea that it happens to other people gives me something to look forward to for myself. love may not happen to me, but at least it does to other people. and that assures me it will too with mine.'
i too am frustrated. the only difference between me and him is that he makes an effort to know that love still works. unlike him, i bottle up my sadness, thinking that i can make it on my own. i have always had problems expressing myself. i dont talk to numerous people asking for advice. i may confide to one or two and thats it. i have always thought im strong. i even have problems crying coz i dont know how to cry coz i dont know WHEN crying is appropriate. i rationalize things too easily.
he told me to take it easy...
he told me im bigger than my problem...
often times i dont know where to stand. i dont know how to act. no matter how thick my force field is, people seems to know how to get in. am i that too shallow?
im afraid of thinking what will happen next with my life. i should know how to revolve around the world. its not always that i have my own universe. its not always about me. me wouldnt even count.
im terrified...
sacred...
empty...
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Friday, July 09, 2004
the week that was
whew! another hell week has passed. i will try to account everything that has happened...so bear with me...hehehe
mon: ob was fine, had quiz, aced it...pedia was not, had quiz, flunked it
tues: patho, had quiz, aced it...surgery, i cut classes. went home. tried getting some sleep, but suddenly while lying on my parent's bed, a sudden burst of depression sinked in. i got depressed with the idea that i couldn't get wat i wanted. that there is a sense of fear of 'what if's'. actually the whole idea of being played frightens me. bummer
wed: had exam on micro, got pissed off with a few people, pissed off with the exam questions, and pissed that i am pissed. shit! after that, went on to pharma class, had 2 quiz, flunked it. had fcm in the afternoon, had quiz...aced it.
thurs: i can still remember thursday! haaayy! i was just so happy that day. everything just seem to be going in my way. i was so happy that once again i was smiling out of nowhere. like a wierdo! good thing the room was all dark and we were watching OUTBREAK for our film showing. sigh! good things! how i wish every day is like thursday!
i was so happy that day, that i agreed to meet my friend's bf. and just as with any other bf that my friends have acquired...there is the inevitable enriq's questionaire...hehehe, the reason for that is that i wanted to know their lovers. i value my friends. i wanted to make sure that they would be taken care off. that any other intentions (eg. getting laid, pregnancy, marriage) is but of no means taken care off by me! i dont want my friends getting married and much more getting pregnant! as much as i wanted to be their daughter's or son's godfather, now is not the right time. i may be selfish! i am selfish! I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GOING AWAY, I DONT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT! immature i know...but its just for now...im still afraid of not knowing where to go and what to do...it gets lonely most of the times
im glad my friends trust me with their life...i feel honored...naks
fri: had my medicine class. i was forced to provide an extemporaneous speech regarding the med fund, of which i really dont want to comment. BEING A COUNCIL DOESNT GUARANTEE THAT I CARE! but what the hell, i said silly stuffs and made them believe i mean it with conviction. hehehehe. then the lecture went after. and for no apparent reason, i was kept being called by my prof. she's fond of me. and im proud i know things she askd of me. 'very good doc papa' as she wud in a couple of times commented. 'doc papa' i liked it! hehehe. doc na...papa pa! naks! kapal ko! joke lang!
in the afternoon, we had a practical on finger prick. which for the second time around was our opportunity to hurt someone else and get a grade for it. one of those moments that no matter how deep the prick is, how painful it is, and how much bleeding it does, you could get away with a smile. 10 points for you doc papa! hehehe.
its a nice feeling to smile again...
to know someone is making it happen....
whew!
mon: ob was fine, had quiz, aced it...pedia was not, had quiz, flunked it
tues: patho, had quiz, aced it...surgery, i cut classes. went home. tried getting some sleep, but suddenly while lying on my parent's bed, a sudden burst of depression sinked in. i got depressed with the idea that i couldn't get wat i wanted. that there is a sense of fear of 'what if's'. actually the whole idea of being played frightens me. bummer
wed: had exam on micro, got pissed off with a few people, pissed off with the exam questions, and pissed that i am pissed. shit! after that, went on to pharma class, had 2 quiz, flunked it. had fcm in the afternoon, had quiz...aced it.
thurs: i can still remember thursday! haaayy! i was just so happy that day. everything just seem to be going in my way. i was so happy that once again i was smiling out of nowhere. like a wierdo! good thing the room was all dark and we were watching OUTBREAK for our film showing. sigh! good things! how i wish every day is like thursday!
i was so happy that day, that i agreed to meet my friend's bf. and just as with any other bf that my friends have acquired...there is the inevitable enriq's questionaire...hehehe, the reason for that is that i wanted to know their lovers. i value my friends. i wanted to make sure that they would be taken care off. that any other intentions (eg. getting laid, pregnancy, marriage) is but of no means taken care off by me! i dont want my friends getting married and much more getting pregnant! as much as i wanted to be their daughter's or son's godfather, now is not the right time. i may be selfish! i am selfish! I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GOING AWAY, I DONT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT! immature i know...but its just for now...im still afraid of not knowing where to go and what to do...it gets lonely most of the times
im glad my friends trust me with their life...i feel honored...naks
fri: had my medicine class. i was forced to provide an extemporaneous speech regarding the med fund, of which i really dont want to comment. BEING A COUNCIL DOESNT GUARANTEE THAT I CARE! but what the hell, i said silly stuffs and made them believe i mean it with conviction. hehehehe. then the lecture went after. and for no apparent reason, i was kept being called by my prof. she's fond of me. and im proud i know things she askd of me. 'very good doc papa' as she wud in a couple of times commented. 'doc papa' i liked it! hehehe. doc na...papa pa! naks! kapal ko! joke lang!
in the afternoon, we had a practical on finger prick. which for the second time around was our opportunity to hurt someone else and get a grade for it. one of those moments that no matter how deep the prick is, how painful it is, and how much bleeding it does, you could get away with a smile. 10 points for you doc papa! hehehe.
its a nice feeling to smile again...
to know someone is making it happen....
whew!
Saturday, July 03, 2004
BLOOPERS
the week has been interesting.
micro/para class:
we were having lectures about disinfection and stuff. i was in the middle of the aisle at the back in short kitang kita ako. i was attentively listening. when my classmate began doing shitty things on the transcriber's recorder. whevnever the transcriber is not looking he would record his own voice and would say funny things. i was laughing discreetly along with my other two seatmates. we were not noticed until my other seatmate just blurted 21% loudly in the middle of the lecture. and we burst out laughing (people at the back). good thing coz the timing was with the class chorus. so again we were not noticed. so it was back again to listening. when suddenly that friend kept on singing 21% discreetly. and i just couldnt help it but bow down on my desk and as if i was writing. then i was jolted when my prof called me out.
'you! yes you! do you mind telling me wats funny. you seem to be very happy! class dont you want to hear wats funny?'
boom! my life passed before me as if i died.
'ma'm, uhmm, it was nothing really. he (pointed out on my friend) was just saying something about the oxygen percent'
'ok then, wat are you saying' referring to my classmate
my friend just stumbled and smiled.
and it was back to the lecture. she didnt got mad. well irritated, but as the lecture went on she was fine she even called me to recite and she was happy i was able to answer. it turned out good though.
medicine class:
last week we had our patient, and yesterday was the presentation. our group was called first and survived it. then here comes group 1. i'd like to interpret one family history of one of its members:
'father died of heart disease and mother of tuberculosis blah blah blah' -this could mean the mother also died of tuberculosis or better yet, it was like as hippocrates is the father of medicine...that one is the mother of tuberculosis.
'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived...'
- y? wat happened? lumubog ba sila sa bangka? nasunog ba sila nag sabay sabay?
-of 11 children, meaning di magkamag-anak un pateinte. nsa barko ata sila nun.
-sabi nun isang classmate ko...baka naman namtatay sila nun pinanganak? sabi ko...ano un sabay sabay sila niluwal ng nanay nila tapos namatay?
'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived died of labor'
-what? nabuhay sya tapos biglang namatay? gosh!
-survived died? howcome?
- sad talaga!
its really funny. i dont mean to ridicule that person but id just like to have a moment to say that postgrad ka na dapat un construction ng statemates is clear. remember doctor ka na! hehehehe. anyway, walang pikunan! sana di mo to mabasa!
anyway, after classes we watched spiderman 2, and the most interesting part was that when Dr. Oct took out two people out of the train and threw it to spidey. kawawa naman sila para silang bola na basta-basta na lang tinapon! hehehehe
but it was a nice film...glad i watched it.
detoxification!
micro/para class:
we were having lectures about disinfection and stuff. i was in the middle of the aisle at the back in short kitang kita ako. i was attentively listening. when my classmate began doing shitty things on the transcriber's recorder. whevnever the transcriber is not looking he would record his own voice and would say funny things. i was laughing discreetly along with my other two seatmates. we were not noticed until my other seatmate just blurted 21% loudly in the middle of the lecture. and we burst out laughing (people at the back). good thing coz the timing was with the class chorus. so again we were not noticed. so it was back again to listening. when suddenly that friend kept on singing 21% discreetly. and i just couldnt help it but bow down on my desk and as if i was writing. then i was jolted when my prof called me out.
'you! yes you! do you mind telling me wats funny. you seem to be very happy! class dont you want to hear wats funny?'
boom! my life passed before me as if i died.
'ma'm, uhmm, it was nothing really. he (pointed out on my friend) was just saying something about the oxygen percent'
'ok then, wat are you saying' referring to my classmate
my friend just stumbled and smiled.
and it was back to the lecture. she didnt got mad. well irritated, but as the lecture went on she was fine she even called me to recite and she was happy i was able to answer. it turned out good though.
medicine class:
last week we had our patient, and yesterday was the presentation. our group was called first and survived it. then here comes group 1. i'd like to interpret one family history of one of its members:
'father died of heart disease and mother of tuberculosis blah blah blah' -this could mean the mother also died of tuberculosis or better yet, it was like as hippocrates is the father of medicine...that one is the mother of tuberculosis.
'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived...'
- y? wat happened? lumubog ba sila sa bangka? nasunog ba sila nag sabay sabay?
-of 11 children, meaning di magkamag-anak un pateinte. nsa barko ata sila nun.
-sabi nun isang classmate ko...baka naman namtatay sila nun pinanganak? sabi ko...ano un sabay sabay sila niluwal ng nanay nila tapos namatay?
'of 11 children, only the patient and the sister survived died of labor'
-what? nabuhay sya tapos biglang namatay? gosh!
-survived died? howcome?
- sad talaga!
its really funny. i dont mean to ridicule that person but id just like to have a moment to say that postgrad ka na dapat un construction ng statemates is clear. remember doctor ka na! hehehehe. anyway, walang pikunan! sana di mo to mabasa!
anyway, after classes we watched spiderman 2, and the most interesting part was that when Dr. Oct took out two people out of the train and threw it to spidey. kawawa naman sila para silang bola na basta-basta na lang tinapon! hehehehe
but it was a nice film...glad i watched it.
detoxification!
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