earlier this morning i joined a small medical mission in paranaque. i really didnt want to go since i know how toxic a medical mission is and the fact that it is raining. i was already envisioning myself soaking wet mixed in perspiration and rain. i didnt hurry myself getting dressed, coz i know for a fact that the people i will be with would be coming in late more than i am. so i arrived at the place a good 45 minutes earlier and as expected my collegues were late. thus giving me time to eat at 711. i miss their hotdog sandwich. it was my staple food when i was an intern at MCM. the medical mission started at around 9:30, we finished by 11:00, and i had a total 20 patients seen. funny coz one of my patients commented that i look 25. for the first time, someone looked at me being younger than my age (my average age was 28-30). she told me that i look happy-go-lucky, someone without a care in the world and masarap kausap. going through my morning was painful, i was relived she had such a comment about me, i just realized magaling pa pala ako magtago ng emotions ko. hehehehe.
when i got back, after a few exhachange of texts from by nana, he told me to get some sleep. which i did. a dream woke me up. in my dream, i was given a sunday duty by my chief resident for not informing her that i would be going directly to the medical mission, and that my husband got frustrated since we were bound to go somewhere else. i was crying and crying. and texted my nani about my dream.
lately i feel that ang dami kong hang-ups sa buhay. i cannot blame anyone else but me, which makes me more frustrated lately. minsan gusto kong pukpukin ang ulo ko sa kung anu anung pumapasok sa utak ko. i have so many things that i would want to do but i cant. or i have the time to spend but its limited. doc pia said the other day, that as i grow older, as i proceed with my residency, i should be wiser enough to take all the pressures. she said in residency there will come a time that in the middle of it all youd question yourself of your worth. the bad thing is im just starting and im already questioning myself. maybe im too busy hurrying things up that i cant wait for things to finish.
the other day, my nani and i had a talk about life and work. i myself also have my share of pressure moments. im pressured about work. everyday, at work, at this early point, i feel that i have to do better, that i have to prove more to my seniors and consultants. one duty, doc aimee, doc lea, doc jim and i were chatting, and laughing, making jokes, when one specific joke was put on me: "kaya kita tinanggap kse wala na ko mapili". i knew it was a joke and i was made to beleive that it was. but i also knew it was half true when i entered the department, we were 4 pre-res that applied. slowly the others disintegrated and i was the only one left standing. and nina came and i had a batchmate. there are times when i feel like i dont belong. especially when the consultants are there. but my nani kept telling me that i didnt entered training to make friends. he is right. but of course, there are still moments that i feel outcasted, that all my moves are being monitored, my language limited.
im glad my husband has always been there for me. without him i guess im left broken. last friday he came to visit me at work and brought me foods and "grocery showcase" hehehe. i really appreciate him. i know he feels that im too hard to please but even without the visits, even if only our communication is through text and phone conversation, i want to let him know that i am contented. though there are tantrums i make coz we havent spent time together longer as i would like us to be, but all those were just lambing. i dont mean in any way pressure my nani with that. actually, i am the one more pressured coz my nani has been doing all the efforts and i feel that i dont. i want to reciprocate all his deeds and all the things he gives but i feel i can do only so much. i want to pick him up from work, drive him home (i dont mind having not enough sleep driving, ive done that before and im willing to do the same with him), bring him food for lunch, take him out to dinner were i would be paying, giving him all that he needs. im praying to God every night that i make my husband happy. i await that day that i would be of service to my husband everyday once we get our own place. when i told doc pia about our plans to live together she said mahirap yun. i asked why. she said "pag nagsama kau di mo na mabibili mga gusto mo kse most of your salary will be used to keep the two of you stable". i just said im willing to do that coz in the first place di naman ako maluhong tao. i dont even buy clothes often and only when i needed it. right now, im trying to be thrifty. my nani gave me money and im bound to save it. though little i still want to share. wierd nga lang kse parang babalik lang sa kanya yung money. hehehe.
as i grow older, im slowly realizing that life isnt rountinary, that it is hard. i now beleive margaux and tim. there were the ones who matured more earlier than i am. i guess bata pa nga tlaga ako. madami pa ko dapat intindihin sa buhay. but i will not get my age be a hinder to my growth. im just hoping that throughout my growth i still have my nani beside me. wala nang dapat pang makinabang and makasaksi sa growth ko as a person but my asawa. coz all my life is all about him.
i love you hon.
_______________________________________________
i was rummaging my friendster messages and i came across my nani's msgs way back february and march:
---------
you look so damn great sa pics mo....swerte ko talaga sa asawa ko...gwapo na, matalino pa, sweet pa, sexy pa at napaka mapagmahal....love you so much my honey, my asawa! - 3/13/08
---------
Hi Hon. I just finished reading your blog entries from feb to september 2007. It's 12:53am in my laptop clock. Just want you to know that the more I learn about the things that youve been through for the past year of your life, the deeper i get into this emotion called LOVE. Im sorry if I tend to be bratty when it comes to issues regarding your past bf. I guess im just being insecure coz I know you spent a hell lot more time with him compared to the days that we have been "dating" hehehe....One thing is for sure.. I want to make more memories with you.I mean BETTER memories.And I want to make it a point that what we have right now will be our last relationship.Sana ito na hinahanap natin pareho. I will be here to support you in all your endeavors. I know youll make it through in the board exams coz God knows our plans. He knows our desire to be of help to those who are in need, like Kuya Jing. Thank you for being so compassionate to those who are not as lucky as we are...
If i have to live my life all over again, I'd still choose to meet someone like you.And would definitely choose to love you over and over again...
I love you with all my heart.
hon mo - 3/1/08
-----------
Im still awake...thanks for forwarding the lyrics of YOU And I...
Just want you to know that i'm still in high heavens coz I never thought that Ill find someone in the most unusual room. hehehe...thanks for being you....wala na ko hahanapin pa dahil nasa yo na lahat ng hinahanap ko like looks, intellect, sense of humor, compassionate, affectionate ( and of course, the ultimate, the virginity, waaaaaahhh)..hope you wont change....
i love you with all my heart.
honey mo - 2/10/08
_______________________________________________
pls view, comment and vote for PGH, OMMC and Madocs ENT HNS video for the PSO annual video making contest.
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTr9s1HnrRY
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Scratch papers, understanding and memories
Yesterday, around 3:30 in the afternoon, I decided to bring the results of my/nani's urine drug test at OM. He told me that it's the last day of submission coz that's the only thing that he lacks and its one of the numerous requirements that he should provide in order to finalize his employment as an ENT resident at OM. Pressure ang pag provide ko ng specimen coz my nani is too tamad to urinate and give it to us for processing. Ako ba naman ang pinagsubmit ng specimen and was tasked to label my urine as his pee! tsk tsk tsk....medical ethics honey ko!hmp.
Anyway, my visit was a big surprise for him coz I told him that my messenger will be the one to bring the results sa "dispensaryo" ( the way they call the out patient department at OM) ng ENT. When i got there, he was sitted beside Doc Jim and was just making pa-cute coz they're seeing OPD patients. His eyes lit up when he saw me and realized that it wasnt my messenger who brought the drug test results! Bihira ko na lang makita ang nani ko na ngumingiti ng ganung katamis! Those are the moments na hindi mabibili ng kahit anong pera sa mundo! hehehehe....Together with the lab results, I also brought a lot of SCRATCH PAPERS to be used by my nani as prescription pads when they prescribe meds to patients at the OM Dispensario. The reason behind this is that, the last time he went to my office, he saw some scratch papers and asked if he can have those coz wala daw sila presription pads sa OM! Naawa naman ako and handed all of my scratch papers to my nani. So a day before I visited him sa OM, I collected all the scratch papers that I can find inside my office and gave them all to my nani.This also made him really happy! Ang babaw nampota! hahahahaha! Perhaps, this is the trait that I like most about him. He's still a child at heart. Kahit gano kasimpleng bagay, sobrang appreciative yan. Kahit dalhan ko lang ng chicharon sa duty nya. Kahit KFC lang. Kahit ano. Masaya na siya dun. Mababaw ang kaligayahan. Although minsan mayabang pag kumanta. Or minsan matigas ang ulo. Sumasagot pag pinagalitan. Pag sinabihan kong sasampalin ko siya dahil pasaway, sasagot ng "subukan mo, sisipain naman kita sa balls"...O di ba...ang bait...parang bata talaga...ayaw patalo! hehehe....
These could be the very reasons why we click together. I love to eat junk foods (the way kids do), and my nani acts and thinks like a toddler in most instances. Hindi applicable sa min yung principle ng iba na opposites attract each other. Sa amin, we are of the same polarities but we are so attached to each other! What fascinates me the most is that mentally retarded as he may seem to be, surprisingly, he is a very responsible individual. He knows his priorities in life. He is very driven in terms of career growth. And he knows how to balance everything. He never takes our relationship for granted. He never fails to text or call me kahit na nasa ER yan at nagsesermon sa patients nya. Kahit nag ra-rounds sa ward. I may not be that vocal about it but I really admire him for that. Sometimes, I still think of him as a baby sometimes (coz mukha talagang totoy!) who shouldn't be allowed to go far or be out of his guardian's sight coz he might get lost or mess things up, but, I have this "yabang" inside my head that kahit na mukhang batang paslit yang honey ko, doctor na yan at sobrang determined yan to be succesful in his chosen field.
It’s been quite a while since we last hugged each other to sleep. I perfectly understand how toxic he is for the past weeks and I’m still giving him the chance to adjust to his new life as an ENT resident, physically, intellectually and emotionally. Mas ok naman ang ENT compared sa OB coz hindi talaga pang may bf ang OB-GYNE! Hihihihi…Nevertheless, we always make it a point to see each other as often as we can, kahit sandaling bisita lang sa ospital ok na sa min yun. Basta makita lang namin ang isat isa. Now I know that the key to a harmonious relationship is UNDERSTANDING. Without it, I don’t know how we could survive the past 9 months (going on 10 months soon, yehey!) that we’re together.
We both may have our tantrums at times when we get frustrated with our careers. And considering that we’re both type A personalities (dominant, results oriented and high risk for HPN and CAD), we can still balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses. When one is feeling weak, the stronger one gets to uplift the spirit of the other back to its normal state.
There were countless times that my nani asked me about the certainty that I feel for this relationship. Many times I answered him that I can’t imagine myself being with someone else than him when I grow old. At this point in our relationship, I already have thousands of good MEMORIES with my nani. I hope to have more of those. However, it led me to think….hmmnnnn…..memories are created and recalled when you part ways with someone who has made a difference in your life. Well, guess I wouldn’t be needing memories with my nani because I will be sharing my life with him…. Real soon… and for a significant period of time… Love you my nani…advance happy 10th monthsary.
My Days are brighter than morning air
Evergreen pine and autumn blue
But all my days are twice as fair
If I could share my life with you
And time weaves ribbons of memories
To sweeten life when youth is through
But I would need no memories there
If I could share my life with you……
“With You” from the Broadway musical “PIPPIN”
Anyway, my visit was a big surprise for him coz I told him that my messenger will be the one to bring the results sa "dispensaryo" ( the way they call the out patient department at OM) ng ENT. When i got there, he was sitted beside Doc Jim and was just making pa-cute coz they're seeing OPD patients. His eyes lit up when he saw me and realized that it wasnt my messenger who brought the drug test results! Bihira ko na lang makita ang nani ko na ngumingiti ng ganung katamis! Those are the moments na hindi mabibili ng kahit anong pera sa mundo! hehehehe....Together with the lab results, I also brought a lot of SCRATCH PAPERS to be used by my nani as prescription pads when they prescribe meds to patients at the OM Dispensario. The reason behind this is that, the last time he went to my office, he saw some scratch papers and asked if he can have those coz wala daw sila presription pads sa OM! Naawa naman ako and handed all of my scratch papers to my nani. So a day before I visited him sa OM, I collected all the scratch papers that I can find inside my office and gave them all to my nani.This also made him really happy! Ang babaw nampota! hahahahaha! Perhaps, this is the trait that I like most about him. He's still a child at heart. Kahit gano kasimpleng bagay, sobrang appreciative yan. Kahit dalhan ko lang ng chicharon sa duty nya. Kahit KFC lang. Kahit ano. Masaya na siya dun. Mababaw ang kaligayahan. Although minsan mayabang pag kumanta. Or minsan matigas ang ulo. Sumasagot pag pinagalitan. Pag sinabihan kong sasampalin ko siya dahil pasaway, sasagot ng "subukan mo, sisipain naman kita sa balls"...O di ba...ang bait...parang bata talaga...ayaw patalo! hehehe....
These could be the very reasons why we click together. I love to eat junk foods (the way kids do), and my nani acts and thinks like a toddler in most instances. Hindi applicable sa min yung principle ng iba na opposites attract each other. Sa amin, we are of the same polarities but we are so attached to each other! What fascinates me the most is that mentally retarded as he may seem to be, surprisingly, he is a very responsible individual. He knows his priorities in life. He is very driven in terms of career growth. And he knows how to balance everything. He never takes our relationship for granted. He never fails to text or call me kahit na nasa ER yan at nagsesermon sa patients nya. Kahit nag ra-rounds sa ward. I may not be that vocal about it but I really admire him for that. Sometimes, I still think of him as a baby sometimes (coz mukha talagang totoy!) who shouldn't be allowed to go far or be out of his guardian's sight coz he might get lost or mess things up, but, I have this "yabang" inside my head that kahit na mukhang batang paslit yang honey ko, doctor na yan at sobrang determined yan to be succesful in his chosen field.
It’s been quite a while since we last hugged each other to sleep. I perfectly understand how toxic he is for the past weeks and I’m still giving him the chance to adjust to his new life as an ENT resident, physically, intellectually and emotionally. Mas ok naman ang ENT compared sa OB coz hindi talaga pang may bf ang OB-GYNE! Hihihihi…Nevertheless, we always make it a point to see each other as often as we can, kahit sandaling bisita lang sa ospital ok na sa min yun. Basta makita lang namin ang isat isa. Now I know that the key to a harmonious relationship is UNDERSTANDING. Without it, I don’t know how we could survive the past 9 months (going on 10 months soon, yehey!) that we’re together.
We both may have our tantrums at times when we get frustrated with our careers. And considering that we’re both type A personalities (dominant, results oriented and high risk for HPN and CAD), we can still balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses. When one is feeling weak, the stronger one gets to uplift the spirit of the other back to its normal state.
There were countless times that my nani asked me about the certainty that I feel for this relationship. Many times I answered him that I can’t imagine myself being with someone else than him when I grow old. At this point in our relationship, I already have thousands of good MEMORIES with my nani. I hope to have more of those. However, it led me to think….hmmnnnn…..memories are created and recalled when you part ways with someone who has made a difference in your life. Well, guess I wouldn’t be needing memories with my nani because I will be sharing my life with him…. Real soon… and for a significant period of time… Love you my nani…advance happy 10th monthsary.
My Days are brighter than morning air
Evergreen pine and autumn blue
But all my days are twice as fair
If I could share my life with you
And time weaves ribbons of memories
To sweeten life when youth is through
But I would need no memories there
If I could share my life with you……
“With You” from the Broadway musical “PIPPIN”
Sunday, November 16, 2008
my husband, my life
i have been doing my duties at ENT-HNS department since october, so far im enjoying it. like OB, it is skill intensive. im now adept to indirect laryngoscopy, ear suctioning, foreign body removal and suturing wounds, making diagnosis and what nots. but aside from the skill i have gained in almost two months of rigorous training, i have learned that in residency training i have to be mature enough to handle the pressures. i used to be too trivial with all the issues concerning the department. how my seniors handle us or how i see them handling themselves. there are a lot of times that i get to be reprimanded, taught because of my lack of dicisive instict but nevertheless i learned. i havent cried yet. im sure i would in the future when all things becomes unbearable... i guess all will come to pass.
though ENT-HNS training has put me into the advantage of having time with my family and husband, still the longing of being together with them is limited.
my husband has been there all through those times. he would drop by the hospital on my duty and bring me foods or just to linger at the ER. i miss those times when i was an intern where i was free to go about my life. but i guess that cant stay forever. i have to grow. thats why i appreciate my husband in times like these. the fact that i cant go out as often as i would like to, he makes it a point that he gives his own time for my cause. quite selfish of me at times when i wanted even more. but as days go by and as i feed on the fact that my husband will never leave me gives me the courage and hope that soon we will be together in one house and spend each waking day together.
sometimes during my duties, i think of quitting. i have questioned myself why am i doing this whole thing. why cant i just go spend my entire life with my husband. my nani kept on telling me that its for our future. countless times my husband would tell me how burned out he is with work, how pressures in his family, work and in me sometimes makes him want to quit as well. we havent spent long hours together for almost 3 weeks now, the last that we were together was a week ago which was a good 2 hours landian, but realizing my husband's need, i thought that my training would soon be of use to him. i have always imagine, that id be doing all the work for him once i get my own practice. i guess thats the only solace i could give for my husband for all the effort he has put in his own life. but that would entail a lot of hard days and nights to get through.
since day 1 of residency, i have always thought of my husband as my driving force. i always look forward for that day that we would be together. unlike any other MD's who's main goal was to be good at their training, i for one think of being a good husband to my nani. well i guess, being good at my training is also a requirement but everything that i do, i always attribute to him. i dont know if thats a selfish move, but thats what keeps me going. i never felt like this to anyone. i would be even willing to quit when he says so. i love my husband so much that i have made him my life. and i can feel that he too is the same. thats why i dont want to fail him.
funny coz we havent fought or argued these past few months, for that reasone we even came to play that we do argue and fight. he would text me: "ang mga anak natin wala nang makain dahil puro ka patiente" or, "sbi mo lalabas mo kme magaama at pupunta tau sa parke at mamamasyal tau pero hindi lagi ka na lang nagoopera" or, we even argue who would take our future kids to skul. those texts always put a smile on me. he is so kulet. and i know that that is his way of relieving his tension from work. hes a kid at heart. he can live with pancake, lemonsquare cheese cake and voice combo as diet. one time he texted me how his tummy is increasing in size, i told him dont worry coz i myself cant see my pototoy on standing. hahaha. im so lucky to have my nani tlaga.
sometimes i wish i lived in the same pace as my husband. but as what he tells me countless times, that everything that has happened in the past, made its way for us to be together. im still in the query of not knowing how to make my husband happy, but i know from the fact that my very existence in his life is as important and as rewarding as my love for him.
i love you honey! thanks you for being my husband.
though ENT-HNS training has put me into the advantage of having time with my family and husband, still the longing of being together with them is limited.
my husband has been there all through those times. he would drop by the hospital on my duty and bring me foods or just to linger at the ER. i miss those times when i was an intern where i was free to go about my life. but i guess that cant stay forever. i have to grow. thats why i appreciate my husband in times like these. the fact that i cant go out as often as i would like to, he makes it a point that he gives his own time for my cause. quite selfish of me at times when i wanted even more. but as days go by and as i feed on the fact that my husband will never leave me gives me the courage and hope that soon we will be together in one house and spend each waking day together.
sometimes during my duties, i think of quitting. i have questioned myself why am i doing this whole thing. why cant i just go spend my entire life with my husband. my nani kept on telling me that its for our future. countless times my husband would tell me how burned out he is with work, how pressures in his family, work and in me sometimes makes him want to quit as well. we havent spent long hours together for almost 3 weeks now, the last that we were together was a week ago which was a good 2 hours landian, but realizing my husband's need, i thought that my training would soon be of use to him. i have always imagine, that id be doing all the work for him once i get my own practice. i guess thats the only solace i could give for my husband for all the effort he has put in his own life. but that would entail a lot of hard days and nights to get through.
since day 1 of residency, i have always thought of my husband as my driving force. i always look forward for that day that we would be together. unlike any other MD's who's main goal was to be good at their training, i for one think of being a good husband to my nani. well i guess, being good at my training is also a requirement but everything that i do, i always attribute to him. i dont know if thats a selfish move, but thats what keeps me going. i never felt like this to anyone. i would be even willing to quit when he says so. i love my husband so much that i have made him my life. and i can feel that he too is the same. thats why i dont want to fail him.
funny coz we havent fought or argued these past few months, for that reasone we even came to play that we do argue and fight. he would text me: "ang mga anak natin wala nang makain dahil puro ka patiente" or, "sbi mo lalabas mo kme magaama at pupunta tau sa parke at mamamasyal tau pero hindi lagi ka na lang nagoopera" or, we even argue who would take our future kids to skul. those texts always put a smile on me. he is so kulet. and i know that that is his way of relieving his tension from work. hes a kid at heart. he can live with pancake, lemonsquare cheese cake and voice combo as diet. one time he texted me how his tummy is increasing in size, i told him dont worry coz i myself cant see my pototoy on standing. hahaha. im so lucky to have my nani tlaga.
sometimes i wish i lived in the same pace as my husband. but as what he tells me countless times, that everything that has happened in the past, made its way for us to be together. im still in the query of not knowing how to make my husband happy, but i know from the fact that my very existence in his life is as important and as rewarding as my love for him.
i love you honey! thanks you for being my husband.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)