literary portfolio

i just came out of the showers when doc harvey texted me and wanted to know the exact address of the website he asked me to do for him. since im not quite sure, i went online at tripod to check the URL. i chanced upon the site i had way back 2001 (nrqpapa.tripod.com). i was 19 then and experimenting with macromedia flash (plus its always been my dream to join and win a carlos palanca). i was a biology student back then but unlike my classmates who's reading bio buks, i would buy techie books and how-to's. god knows i was so close to failing my subjects back then coz i pay little attention to my accademics. ive always thought back then that i could make some money doing animations and web designs, which i did not coz everyone who would ask me to do it was all for favor's sake.
i have made a lot of animations for a web design project way back premed, flash animation for a sorority in school for their anniversary, flash presentation for our FM class, websites for residents for them to get promoted and an AVP for the department of ENT's 25th anniversary. all of those i did not recieve any amount of remuneration... except for some isolated cases were i was given a chocolate. hehe. that was generous. but above it all im happy seeing my work and being appreciated.

its suprisingly to know that that website was still up after years of not handling it. there's another website i made for my friends at orangestar.8k.com, i visited it and found it to be crazily unformatted... it was arranged so bizzar i didnt recognize it. its still worth to laugh at. hehe.

so much for my artistic idealism... i got to get back to studying "real" books. :)

for my love...

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

worry is the antithesis of faith

it was a benign day for me... less than 10 patients came at the er, which gave me a lot of time to read for my upcoming exam on monday. after my shift i went straight at harbour square to meet tim and the rest of my third year med stud friends who had just finished their finals. when i came, they all screamed "intern namin!". mga gago talaga. they were all drinking and i had 2 bottles. as a senior to them, i talked about all the do's and don'ts of clerkship and what they would expect in thier clinical rotation. i suddenly remembered the way i was back then, very anxious about clerkship, afraid that i might not survive. but i did. its wonderful seeing their eyes with great anticipation just like i was before. i told them to make it good and be confident about their knowledge coz OM clerks are far far better than anybody else... even UP-PGH people. i told them to love clerkship and to treasure every moment of it, coz everything you'll learn in your whole medical career you'll learn in clerkship, all the skills you have to learn only OM training is generous enough to teach you. it is only at OM that a clerk could do paracentesis, appendectomy, intubation, epidural tap... coz at OM, they won't just train you to be a clerk but they would train you to be independent. time will come that we'll have our own training and by them no residents will be there to teach us, everything will rely on the things you do during clerkship. and im glad i was trained confidently. we may not have the advantage of knowing all the theoretical aspects but skills wise and clinical eye will get us a long way. parting ways i congratulated and hugged them for a job well done. it would be great if i get to work with them as their intern but sad to say, id rather choose to venture in a more ideal hospital setting. id like to have a benign internship to make time to study and make a lot more time for my love.

tim drove me home and at the car, he told me things going on with his life including his family. i told him that one of the greatest pleasure i would ever recieve is to see him happy and in love. since we're first year, i havent seen him talk about someone with uttermost "kilig" and love until he told me about this girl she's dating. what's the problem with that? my friend is married. i cannot blame him for seeking someone else. the roots are deep and i know it so well. another thing is, one of our bestfriend, is pregnant again... problem? she's married too. i havent talked to her yet but soon i will. it feels as though im a fulcrum between the two of them. they think and act the same way... which was insane. im the only one holding their pieces together. and tim thanked me for that after telling him how things should and could have been. i love the two of them, and i never get tired caring for them.

at the beginning of our nursery audit this afternoon, our consultant let us read one of the passages of the bible from the book of paul. its about being anxious about nothing. there's a big difference between having a concern and worrying about something. it was told in that passage that worry is an antithesis to faith. worry is like a rocking chair, it allows you to do something but it doesnt get you to somewhere. it opened my eyes to everything. sometimes i worry a lot, i think of a lot of stupid things. im worried that i might not graduate, im worried that im not pleasing everyone, im worried that im not doing so much about my relationship, etc. little did i know all my insecurities would come and hunt me. i have so much insecurities in myself that sometimes i just wish i was perfect. but im not. people say im lucky i am they way i am, but deep inside im afraid. knowing the passage helped me to understand things. to give faith to myself, the people that surround me, the relationship i have, and the one that i love. having faith doesnt give me the right to be over confident though, but i learned that having faith is knowing things about yourself and loving it.

i miss my "mahal"....


(FYI: my car has been stripped off me... for days i dont know how long... bummer! maglalakad na naman ako hanggang US Embassy para makasakay lang or pipila sa sobrang habang pilahan sa lawton. haaaaay buhay!)

4 days straight

its nice to be back home after four days straight of duty (uhmm minus tuesday night though). being away from home makes me realize how i miss it so much. when i arrived i felt like i've been gone for weeks. suddenly the images of the hospital seems to vanish as i enter our gates and saw construction piles in what seemed to be for our roof-makeover. i was greeted by my nephew, who knows nothing but asks "ninong may bobong(pasalubong) ka?" and my frequent reply "wala e" and his witty response would be "duti ka?". it relieves me... hehe. sometimes i feel guilty for not giving my nephew and inaanak pasalubong. i hate being an allowance-dependent jerk. i've always thought to myself that when that time comes i get to earn a living ill buy him whatever he wants... by then he wouldnt get tired asking if i have bobong. hehe.

today was just tiring... luckily my 60 pesos got me through my lunch (sinigang na lasang nilaga and a cupful of rice c/o the hospital canteen). we're four in my day post, the two other members were absent, so it just me and kandi who's manning the er (unmindful of a handful of interns who seems to not know the difference between an OPD patient and an ER patient, palibhasa di sila ung gumagawa e... like what crizzy would say... "nakakabuwisit!"). thats the reason why for the first time in my entire hospital stay i didnt got to brush my teeth and take a bath. during the daily duty census with the consultant i had several bloopers:
1. in the middle of the discussion while our consultant was telling us about neonates, i suddenly let out a noise of someone who's nauseated (nasusuka), which i was coz i felt something stuck up my throat. they all looked at me and laughed.
2. it didnt stopped there, as i was about to endorse my two admitted patients, i cant help but laugh for some odd reasons i dont know. well maybe coz i remembered my previous nauseated act. hehe
3. still with the feeling of something stuck up my throat, i fought my way out of speaking, which led to me saying "due to lack of financial contraints" - i just negated a negative; "harsh bresh sounds" - thats admittedly unthought of; "chest eshray" - pure ridiculous enunciation; "jayanosis (cyanosis)" - dubwitted. hehe.
in the end, it was an endorsement we all enjoyed... so much for that formal, boring type of conferences where we all die of cerebral infarct. plus the fact that i made our consultant laugh. that's something.

tomorrow its hospital work again... im nearing the homerun...

(nostalgic note: i decided to re-read my testimonials over at friendster awhile ago and it left me a touch of sadness... i miss a lot of people. i was touched when i saw the profile of regina, it reads in her profile affliation "PLM BIOSOC - Prexy enrique and blk 3 rules", it was so sweet and it has only been now that i saw it. im glad i made a lot of people happy during my leadership)

got to sleep... :(

lakehouse not lakeshore

i have this post where i pseudo-reviewed lakehouse (bullock and reeves) movie, which i accidentally typed lakeshore instead of lakehouse for it. wala nga namang shore ang lake. hehehe.

anyway, since my last post (september) i have already finished my minors and surgery rotation. where i got sick from a duty-from-duty-from sked. during my minors i felt na umuuwi lang ako para kumuha ng brief then matutulog ng onting oras then papasok na. i didnt went to work one day and got reprimanded by the patho chief resident that the only reason why i coudn't come to work is if either im dying or if im actually dead. hmmm...makes sense. my surgery rotation was a blast. suture dito, suture doon, OR dito, OR doon. i love surgical work.

actually, the highlight of it all is that someone has found me... or should i say i have found someone. the wonders of a smiley. hehe. its such a great feeling that after two years, after all those times i thought i dont know how to love, after being contended being single, i realized that im ready to make someone mine.

let me tell you some things about him. well... he may not be the most romantic person, but for me he is the sweetest. he's someone i dont have to pretend being someone else. we could make fun out of the littlest things, makes jokes around each other. he taught me how to drive in places ive never been to. he's the one i talk to every night with closed eyes imagining were close to each other's arms. he's the only person i was proud of bringing home. he's the one i think of everyday, i fetch with every free time i have. he may not be the perfect guy for me, but hes the reason why i smile everyday.

though i may not be the one who could take the other ring off his fingers, i can always put a different one on him. i love him every minute of my day.

doctors to be